The Free Pass

Chapter 42

Mallory

It really wasn't that I was mad at Shawn. Mad wasn't the right word. I was more frustrated. Or maybe agitated.

He was playing this game where he liked to pretend like everything was fine between us, or rather, that things would ultimately end up fine. There's this term called gaslighting. It's when someone slowly over time makes another person question their reality. I occasionally felt that he was low-key gaslighting me into believing that we were a happy couple with a future ahead of us, and that the idea that we were essentially just friends was all in my head.

It would be very unlike Shawn to be that manipulative, though. What was more likely was that he was just pretending for himself, because it's what he wanted. He wanted us to get back together and to be really married, so he enjoyed the fantasy of that possibly happening.

I don't think he realized that sometimes this pushed me away. I couldn't handle loving-husband-Shawn without him really being in love with me.

Because I still loved him.

In fact, I loved him even more now, which was exasperating. The better I got to know him, the more I loved him. We'd hardly known each other when we got married, but I knew him so well now after almost four months of living together. He was a better man than I'd imagined. He was principled and honest. He worked incredibly hard but gave everyone around him credit. He was generous to almost a fault. Most of all, he was the best father in the world. He loved Gracie so much and never tired of caring for her. She lit up the second she saw him. I may have been the food source, but he was her source for joy.

When I thought about all of his good qualities, I couldn't stay irritated with him.

Shawn knocked on the door an hour after I'd stormed off. I put the book down that I'd been reading and got up and answered it. He gave me a cautious smile.

"Someone's hungry," he said.

"Come on in and sit with me while I feed her," I said.

I sat in the rocker and he handed Grace to me. Shawn sat on my bed.

"I'm sorry I got so mad," I said. "I think you're right about looking at a bigger place."

"When I get back, maybe we can check out some listings," he said.

"I'm sorry I can't make the other thing happen, though," I said sadly. "You will have to find someone else to give you your other two children."

"It seems stupid to find someone else when we obviously make the most perfect children in the world. Our combined genes are pure magic," he said with a grin as he nodded towards our daughter.

"Gracie is pretty much perfect," I said as I looked down at her beautiful face.

"I'm leaving at 6 in the morning. I know it's early, but can I come in here to say goodbye to both of you?" he asked.

"Of course. Why don't I make you breakfast?"

"You don't have to do that," he said, but I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted me to.

"I want to do it. Grace can just take an earlier morning nap. We'll both get up to send you off."

"I wanted to tell you something," he started, his voice suddenly serious.

"What?"

"When Andrew was last here, I had him bring a will that a lawyer at Island drew up for me. If anything happens to me, like if my plane crashes, you and Grace are taken care of. I had the will stipulate that you'll be provided for even if we divorced down the road. Obviously Grace would inherit the rest."