The Free Pass

Chapter 37

Shawn

I was in a constant state of flux.

On the one hand, in so many ways I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. Gracie was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Every single morning I woke up happy knowing that I'd get to spend time with my baby.

I honestly couldn't get enough of her. There were times when I'd hold her and she'd look up at me with her beautiful blue eyes, she'd smile, and I'd feel such euphoria. Nothing had ever given me that feeling before. I'd often pull her up to my face to give her kisses on her increasingly chubby cheeks or her neck, and I'd get lost in her scent. My mom had said babies smelled good, but I wasn't prepared for how amazing my daughter's smell was.

Now that Gracie had started to interact with us more, she was even more fun. She smiled at me constantly. Even better was that she'd talk to me. Okay, obviously she wasn't really talking, but when I'd talk to her, she'd coo in response. When I sang to her, she'd make funny baby noises. I'd read in one of the baby books that Mal always left laying around that she'd start laughing soon. I couldn't wait for that.

I was damn proud of my skills as a dad. I'd been terrified throughout most of Mallory's pregnancy that I wouldn't know what to do and that I'd be totally inept. It turns out that your instincts really do kick in. When Gracie was first born and was fussy, I just kind of knew how to hold her and gently rock her to calm her down. Now I could read her like a book. She had a certain look and cry when she was hungry. She had a totally different reaction to a dirty diaper.

And diapering...I had that down. I was also really good at picking out cute outfits, though now that Mal and Grace had moved into their own room, I didn't get to do that as often.

God I missed them. Sure it was nice to sleep a solid eight hours at night now, but I'd actually enjoyed getting up with her. I tended to be a lighter sleeper and would wake up the second Grace made noise. I'd change her and hold her, telling her how much I loved her, until I woke Mal up to feed her. Now Mallory was doing all that alone in another room.

I missed having my wife in bed with me. I missed the noises she made, of all things. I'd grown used to the rhythmic light snoring she'd do when she was deep asleep. I also missed how she'd find me in the middle of the night and curl up against me, even though we no longer had that kind of relationship. I was sure she thought I was the one initiating the contact in bed at night, but it was all her. Not that I minded.

That brings me to the other hand. I was miserable having a platonic relationship with Mal. There was nothing I could do about it, since she refused to even discuss it. On her birthday I told her outright that I wanted her back. She'd ended that conversation abruptly. And yet, later that same day she'd kissed me, which was totally against our rules. I get that part of it was a show for the parents, but it wasn't a fake kiss. I felt something.

I had no idea what to do about our marriage. I didn't want to push her too hard, because what if that pissed her off and she left me? I lived in fear of her leaving me and taking Grace with her. She'd promised me that when the time came for us to officially split up, she'd stay in Toronto. That wasn't good enough for me, though. I wanted Mallory and Gracie in my life every single day. I didn't want to be a part-time dad. I sometimes had nightmares about that. Even the separation while I was at the studio was hard on me, so what would it be like to go days without seeing my family?

Things at the studio were kind of strange. Quite a few of the songs I'd written recently were songs about heartbreak. My collaborators joked with me all the time that they were expecting to work on an album reflecting the fact that I was a newlywed, and instead it felt like a break-up album. I responded that not all of the songs were written recently. I also made up some bullshit line about how things with Mallory were so new and still so personal and private that I didn't want to share it with the world. That was met with some skeptical looks. They knew me and knew I was typically an open book, so withholding sharing my feelings for my wife seemed out of character for me.