Detachable

~ Chapter 17 ~

Dylan POV,

I don't have driver's license nor do I have someone to drive me, so I will just walk to the funeral home. Every step I make is one more step I want to take back. I know that when I reach the funeral home and the second I stand in front of his grave I will realize that it really is over. This is real life. The road there, the walk there, it just doesn't seem real. I feel like I am floating or someone is pushing me there. My heart and my lungs feel hard, stiffened. No one is coming with me or leaving with me. I want to be alone, to say goodbye all on my one, without anyone seeing my tears or showing me how much they pity me. I know that the guys and the mother will be there, but they are something else. If my mother came with me, I wouldn't think straight and will not be able to control my tears.

Emotions are not a problem. I lost them. I feel drained out and will go to this thing like that and come back home even worst because nothing right now can make me feel better. Everything is changing so fast and I, my heart, soul and mind can't stand it. This is too much damage to a person.

My heart stopped skipping a long time ago. My feet, they are not in my control. They are taking these huge steps, rushing to this place like they don't know what is waiting for them there. My hands, they are soaked with sweat and keep on playing with my pants, making my pants also soaked. My eyes half opened half closed, just trying to see if I will hit something or the other way around.

You can obviously see that I am extremely nervous and have a high level of anxiety. My knees are shaking, making that cracking noise. You know the one that wildfire makes. The weather is too bright and the sun is making sweat drops appear also on my face. Also is making me walk close to buildings, intertwining into the shadows. There is no cold breeze to cool me down and make my head not have a heat stroke. Nothing about this day is beautiful or relaxing.

I was close to the funeral home, finally getting some quiet vibes, since there isn't so much noise near it. I bought some flowers from an old lady that said I could use them if I am going to the funeral house. She was right so I bought them. They smell amazing.

I don't even know if John liked/loved flowers. We never talked about them, so I am not sure. But these are roses. Everyone loves roses. We didn't talk about those trivial questions and never spoke about the basic things, like what's my favourite type of dog, what's my favourite animal, what smoothie would I get at my favourite café... We only talked about serious, deep and goofy stuff. That brought me to not knowing what flowers he likes and walking to his funeral. Is it too late to someone run up to me and tell me that this is a joke/prank? If someone did do that, I wouldn't be mad at first. I would kiss them and thank them so much for making the truth come out and reassure me I haven't lost my mind and then be mad for a couple of days, but smiling in the corner of my room knowing it is not over. But no one was coming. Is it too late to hope?

I was the first one to arrive when it came to the boys. The mother was already there, with some guy. Seeing this different side of her, all broken, actually made me think about what my therapist told me. Should I apologize? Would John want me to apologize to his mother? She is the person who made such a great guy and if she didn't act like that John wouldn't be on that bus that day and we wouldn't meet at all. Should I thank her for giving birth to him and say sorry for yelling at her and calling her all of those names? I am aware that if I say sorry that those words won't vanish from that time and that her hate for me will probably just be a little less, but she will always know me as someone who was friends with her son, which is already a huge reminder to her soon and also be remembered as the guy who yelled at her and said all kinds of stuff to her. I guess that I should stay quiet and let the embarrassment of my past mistakes eat me up for the rest of my life. The guy approached me, scanned me and reached out his hand for a handshake. I took it and shook it firmly.