Emo Trinity x Reader

Gerard Way - Smiling Depression

Requested on Tumblr
Warnings: Trigger Warning: Description of depression
Word count: 2 531

It started out with one bad day. You were incredibly down and Gerard was mad at Frank for always being late. You had always been very empathic and therefore it was no real surprise to you that you felt bad because of Gerard's bad mood.

But the next day it did not get better. You continued sleeping more, you were always crying, you noticed how the world passed you by while you seemed to walk in slow motion. When you did not spent time with the band, you were in bed.

You had no appetite, and enjoyed none of the dishes you usually loved to cook. In the mornings it felt like the world came crushing down on you and you could not move, not even to pick up the phone when Ray called you, probably wondering where you were. Sometimes even breathing seemed impossible. It felt like you were suffocating, barely able to breathe in, because it felt like a weight was pressing down on your chest.

Meeting with the others was the only thing that got you out of the house, apart from the occasional trip to the supermarket to buy a frozen pizza. But you stopped enjoying their company and every time you left to meet with them was a battle whether you really should go. Your apartment slowly sunk into chaos, but you were too busy fighting thoughts to notice.

Those thoughts were always the same. 'I am a burden on the band', 'I contribute nothing to the music', 'I only make the music worse', 'they just accept me, not like me', 'I am a disappointment'. And with all these thoughts came a paralyzing guilt that made it almost impossible for you to look at one of them.

The drum set in your living room slowly dusted over and sometimes you realized that you had eaten nothing for the past twenty-four hours. Those were the moments you made one of the pizzas, and munched on the hot dish halfheartedly.

And all this time you smiled when you met with your friends. They did not notice what was going on with you. At least not at first. You were always freshly showered when they saw you, not knowing that you had not showered at all the previous four days because you just could not do it. You were wearing fresh clothes, and smelled nice of deodorant or perfume. You smiled and listened to them talking.

The only thing you were lacking at was the contribution. At the moment the band was preparing for a new album and spent most of the time at Gerard's living room or the studio to write texts and melodies. Usually you only had to drum a simple rhythm under the melody they were trying out, and when they asked you to do something more extravagant, and your mind blanked and you barely remembered where the base drum was. You told them you had a bit of a creative hole at the moment. They accepted that excuse with a smile, telling you not to worry. You nodded and they left you alone.

You tried to spend as much time with the boys as possible. Sure it was a war to get out of bed in the morning, or even get out of the door, but once you had managed that, you felt better. You were smiling and laughing, even though your insides were frozen and cast over with a shadow of indescribable sadness. When you were with the boys, you were also eating and drinking enough. They made regular water breaks in which you were reminded to drink, and you always cooked together, or ordered food. You still did not enjoy any of that, but at least you were eating. You had already enough on your mind, the last thing you needed right now was an eating disorder. When you came home you went straight to bed. You were drained of all energy and if you did not fall asleep immediately, you cried because you felt like you had let down your friends.

Of course it had not taken you long to figure out what was going on. You had seen it with your friends before, more than once. You had seen Gerard stay in bed for days or trying to drown out the screaming thoughts with alcohol. You had seen Mikey crying because he felt so dead, and nothing was worth anything anymore. And even Frank sometimes had a few weeks in which he was bad. You knew he was never really good, but those were the weeks it showed the most. Still you were hesitant to tell them.