My Difficult Life As Louis Tomlinson's Sister

Chapter 48

I turned around and sighed. I knew it would happen. I knew he would found me like that, I just knew it.

I swallowed and looked sadly everywhere but his face. He will hate me. He will send me back home. He will kill me, but I deserved it. Why couldn't I just love my self?

"Lizzy?" He whispered and I looked shocked on the mess in front of him which was - me.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say. I didn't know what else to say because it's true. I really was sorry, but I just couldn't change. I was who I was. I never could love my self. I'm too messed up.

He slowly came closer, his eyes glossy.

"You promised you would stop." He breathed and I looked ashamed on the ground of the toilet.

"It's not that easy, Louis." I whispered and he sighed.

"How can I bring you to stop and to believe yourself that you are worth living?" He asked me and tears streamed down my face.

"Nobody can bring me to stop. I'm too messed up, Louis." I sobbed and leaned my head down on the toilet.

He didn't say anything. He just sat down next to me and brought my head gently on his shoulder so that I was crying in his shoulder.

"You know-" I started to say but I couldn't find the words. I sobbed and tried to calm down.

"As I was trying to commit suicide - I felt free and happy. I had a flashback to good times. I saw us playing. I saw us laughing. It was beautiful - so peaceful. It was the luckiest moment I had in ages. I never felt that free, Louis. It wasn't black for once. It was colorful. I heard the birds. I noticed the sun. It was like I am on ecstasy or any other drug. I drifted in a peaceful sleep where I didn't have to watch my weight. Where I was - how I really am. It was me. I miss that feeling so much, Louis! I want to go back in that sleep! It was better than any kind of drugs! The rehab clinic was horrible but also so relieving! I was always watched. It was like a jail - but I needed this. I needed the watching, the caring, the non being in media. I liked that people listened to me and cared about me. I wanted to die so bad but they kinda helped me out of this. They taught me that I am worth that all, but as I got out... The media was everywhere. They started analyzing me - what I totally hate. I don't want people to analyze me when the truth is I don't even know myself what's wrong with me. People talking about my mental disorders when I don't really know if I truly have one. People tell me that I'm depressed when I'm not. I don't know who I am, Louis. I need to find that out but I don't know how. I don't have an graduation and I don't even know what to do with my life. It shouldn't be like that. I don't want to get gifts and money just because I'm your labile little sister. I'm my own person, but I can't find it out like this. I need to go and fine my self, Louis. I need to be away from all that fucked up mess." that got deeper than I thought it would be. I didn't know what I wanted this conversation to end like, but I guess that's the truth I want it to be. I want to be away from him. I want to go and find my self. I want to think about everything on my own, without media watching me 24/7.

"What is that supposed to mean, Liz?" He asked me serious. I think that was the most serious conversation I ever had with Louis.

"Maybe I should go. Do internships and find out what my life should become. Find the right way, you know. Because right now I'm living your dream, not mine. I never wanted to be on tour with you guys - I wanted to find out who I am. How I could be happy again, but it isn't working like that. I can't find my self like that. I need to find it without reading about me in newspapers. Your fans and media reminds me on my breakdown all the time. It brings me back to throwing up. I can't think about anything else while I'm here." I whispered and Louis nodded. I guess he understood me. I guess I made my point of view clear.

"I don't think that's the best idea, but it's true. You need to think about things and find out who you really are. You need to distract yourself from your eating disorder and depressed thoughts. I accept under one condition." He said and I looked confused at him.

"You aren't going all on your own. I don't know how you'll do that but I want to make clear you aren't doing anything stupid. I want to know where you go and with who. I prefer a friend of yours because I don't want any male- sorry that's not the point. I mean please don't go on your own." Louis said and I nodded slowly, but with who? I don't really have any friends.

"I'm thinking about an internship by a fashion label. You know I love that kind of thinks." I said smiling while whipping my tears away.

"Sound cool, little sis." Louis said smiling and kissed my cheek. I smiled weakly and hugged him.

***

"Liz! I told ya it's totally fine if you go with me on the fashion week! I walk for shows like Burberry, Chanel, Topshop, Victoria Secret and that, you know. It's front or second row I think you'll sit. You are kinda famous so all the designer said it's okay that you'll come." Cara said as I was calling her.

"That's so cool! You don't believe how happy I am!" I said to her as I was on my way to the backstage area of the boys show in LA. My mental breakdown happened a few weeks ago and I told Louis I would just end with them the US tour before they would start with the Asia and Australia tour.

"You are 100% first row in the Chanel show, because Karl adores you! I think you are kinda his muse." Carla said giggling.

"Hah! That's pretty cool! I have to go now. Two of my friends of the rehab are going to come any minute! See ya at LAX." I said and hung up.

The other boys didn't know about my mental breakdown and about me throwing up again. I pleaded Louis to not tell anyone and he promised me he wouldn't. It was a weird atmosphere between us since then but yeah I can't change anything.

"So I'm going on the Burberry, Chanel, Topshop and Victoria Secret fashion show." I said grinning as I sat down on the sofa in the boys changing room. Lou styled Harry's hair and nearly let the hairdryer fall on Harry's head.

"Omg!" She cheered and I giggled.

"I'm coming as well on the Burberry show." Harry told me calmly and I smiled.

"I think we have seats next to each other in the front row." Harry said and I grinned. As much as I wanted to go on my own, I wasn't that sad about Harry coming with me.

"That's cool." I said grinning and unlocked my iPhone. Cara sent me some pictures of her sitting on a chair getting her make-up done. I think she was on a shooting for Topshop but I'm not that sure about it.

"When are your friends coming, again?" Niall asked me while drinking a coke.

"I think one hour before the meet and greets start. So in two hours or so." I said while sending Cara a selfie.

"I'm going to smoke one." Zayn mumbled and I looked up from my iPhone.

"I'm in." I said and stood up taking out my cigarettes and lighter. I stood up from the comfortable sofa and walked towards Zayn. He smiled at me and we walked together out of the big stadium.

"What are their names again?" Zayn asked me as he lighted up his cigarette.

"Nela and Gina." I said and he nodded.

"It would be really embarrassing if I wouldn't know their names." Zayn chuckled and I nodded.

"I would have slap you." I said ginning and the same did Zayn.

"I could totally understand you if you would have done it." We both laughed and talked about a lot stuff before we walked back in the stadium. We walked back in the changing room where Lou did now Louis' hair.

"Nela texted me a few minutes ago that they are now in the limousine and on the way to us." I told the boys and they nodded. Louis looked distracted and I feared that he noticed the hidden cuts on my arm.