* Book two of "I should feel like:" please read the first one before this.
This book focuses on the aftermath of the book being release into the public eye.
More importantly, El's mental health.
Josh trying to save her by the only thing he knows...
El laid in her bed breathing softly. The doors lock had been taken off, the only time she could ever shut that door was to get changed. Even then she had a time limit, her mother not allowing her to keep it shut for more than a minute. El found that one minute rule ridiculous. She found the whole situation ridiculous.
Her mother knocked on the doorway, El sat her weak body up. El's mother, Joanne, looked much like El, brown hair except it had some strands of gray. Her tan skin was nothing like El's pale complexion.
Josh stood there, looking at the floor. It was as if he were ashamed to be here.
"I'll leave you two to talk, you know the rules El." With that she left down the hall, once her footsteps disappeared Josh entered her room. He stood until El signaled for him to sit beside her.
He let himself fall slowly onto her soft bed. El laid down, Josh did the same. He wasn't sure why he was here, something just told him to come. So he did.
"Why are you here?" She finally spoke, unable to control the wavering that lingered in her voice.
"I'm not sure. But now that I'm here would it be alright if I lay here? Maybe we could talk."
"We have talked. I said what I needed to." She curtly stated.
"I haven't, not even close. It's just so hard to get my words out." He whispered, El wondered why he was so stuck on her. Josh took the silence as an opportunity to speak.
"Reading your feelings, it made me want to help you. The one about you wanting to feel useful, it really hit me. El—just let me help you. Please." El sat up, irritated.
"No. Don't you understand? I don't want you here. Josh, you made everything worse." Josh pushed himself off her bed, he frowned.
"I didn't mean-"
"Well you did!" She cried out as tears gathered ready to fall.
Josh looked towards the floor defeated; he was unable to say anything. He felt El wrap her arms around his body, he moved his arms to pull her closer. El remembered how his heartbeat made her feel more calm in the hospital. Ever since that heartbeat left she's been nothing but calm. Instead of saying something Josh decided to say nothing at all. El was grateful.
They stayed like that for awhile, when they separated Josh grazed his thumb against her cheek. He couldn't fathom the idea of anyone hurting her anymore. Including himself.
"I want to kiss you so bad but I'm not going to." Josh turned around and began walking away.
"Josh—wait." El called out, a tear silently falling. He stopped in his tracks. "Why me? Huh? You could have picked anyone but instead you chose me. Holding me back from what I want. Keeping me here due to your own selfish needs." Her voice rose slowly until she knew her mother could hear from downstairs.
"I don't know why I chose you. But I don't regret it; I will never regret it."
El took a few steps towards him and pushed him as hard as she could, egging him on. Wanting to see him get as angry as she was at him. Instead he just stood there and let it happen. So she tried again and again. Each time getting weaker.
"Don't ever say that. I fucking hate you." Josh watched El as she went to go push him but fell to the floor instead. He sat down next to her and held her as she cried. Then helped her into bed, his heart squeezing as her mother came in and took over.
Josh felt that he didn't deserve someone as good as El.
No, he knew.
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