She Should Feel

Hour 3: Hyper-V

[A/N] Let me just say that I did not enjoy writing this chapter. Even though I'd love to erase it and change it, it's necessary for the story. I've never had a panic attack, but for those of you that have, if this is incorrect, please tell me. Everyone is different and because I've never experienced one I can't write it. When I wrote this chapter I was going through writers block so it isn't the best. That said, this chapter could be a trigger warning. It's nothing special but everyone has their own triggers as well. I just wanted to give a heads up. Also this isn't edited the best either.

The moment El got home she slammed her bedroom door shut. Her mother banged on it, telling her that if she doesn't open it she would have to use the key. Joanne wanted to give her the very little options she had.

"I want Josh!" El shouted through her door, sinking to the floor. The moment she got ahold of him she would punch him. After all, she considered this to be his fault.

"How about you come with me to get him? I have no idea where he lives sweetheart. Just open the door please." El unlocked and opened it slightly as tears fell down her face. This is why she didn't want to be here anymore. She was stripped of her freedom.

"I won't do anything. Please just go get Josh. Mom, please."

"Fine. But the neighbor will be watching you."

•••

El sat on the floor unable to breathe. Everything around her seemed a blur and she couldn't hear anything but a hum. She had no idea what to do to help it; she felt paralyzed. Her eyes focused on Josh as he walked through the door, her mother stood outside the hall. Josh shut the door. Her mother wore a baffled look toward his actions.

"You're okay El; I'm here." Josh sat down next to her and held her hand. "Watch me breathe and follow. Deep breaths."  Her body shook uncontrollably.

El mimicked his breathing, no change to her condition. Not only was her body unable to move but her lungs felt like it too. Her vision faded in and out. It was terrifying. Once Josh realized that it wasn't going to help he pulled El into his arms and laid down. El laid on his chest listening to his heartbeat. Ten minutes passed and El could finally breathe normally. Although her heart still raced and her body shook slightly.

"Your mother almost ran me over when she was driving down the street. Told me that you were asking for me. The fear I felt when she told me something was wrong. What happened?"

"Do you know Kennedy?"

"What did she say to you? Whatever it was disregard her statements she's nothing but a liar." Josh held the short haired mess in his arms tightly. Partially protecting him but mostly herself for what she was about to say next.

"She said that you loved her; that I wouldn't be missed. That I should go slit my wrists. It's like she was reading my mind." Josh sat up as El crawled off of him.

"That is not true. I would miss you every single day." El wiped her wet cheeks and took a shaky breath.

"You love her though, right? I'm just a weight that's holding you—everyone down."

Josh blinked in horror at how she thought that about herself. El's exhausted eyes that had shed too many tears met with his loving eyes. His thumb grazed her cheek, almost if it was a habit he kissed her softly on the lips, but only for a few seconds. There was nothing to say at her statement to prove that his heart was hers. That she was loved. This was the only way he thought she'd believe him.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that. It's not fair to you." He whispered as he rested his forehead against hers as he regretted his actions. The movies always made it seem easy. You show the person you love them and they'll stay. But now he was nothing but confused. This wasn't at all like the movies.

"Say something, anything, just distract me. I'm so damn tired." Josh laid down on the floor, El laid back down against his chest.

"I used to pull down people's pants, you know, attempting to make them wear it all the way up. Until one day, little six year old me pulled down a grandmas pants. I didn't know any better. From that day on I've never been the same, nor did I pull another persons pants down."

"Sounds terrifying."

"Oh it was. I can't even cry now because it burned my eyes. Or maybe it was all the soap I used." El sat up and rubbed her eyes. She climbed into bed and patted the spot next to her, Josh sat down where she patted and waited until she fell asleep. It felt like an eternity for her to finally relax and close her eyes. He got up, frowning as he exited the room.

Joanne sat on the floor the entire time Josh had been in there doing her job. She showed Josh out and sat down on the couch, crying for the girl sleeping soundly in her bed upstairs.

El wasn't the daughter she knew.

And that broke her.