She Should Feel

Dear Josh,

Dear Josh,

This is my goodbye.

I couldn't go without saying this.

You are the most stubborn person on the planet. Besides from me.

Kennedy was right, I am an anchor. You didn't see it but you were killing yourself. I couldn't let that happen. You don't deserve that. I'm not angry at you, so you can't be angry at me. Promise? I'll explain it all right...now.

Truth be told, I despised that you saved me. But something funny happened as I was on the edge ready to jump. I feared that you'll become like me. That you'd stop being the Josh I wrote about in my letters; the you that sent me those letters.

I don't want you searching for a knife in the house because your mother hid them. I was afraid that you'd have to shower with an open door, or sit in uncomfortable chairs as you discuss your feelings. Or have to get your stomach pumped.

I was afraid for you.

Nothing you did was going to stop me.

This wasn't your fault.

It was all me.

So I'm sorry that you feel—whatever you're feeling. But just know that you weren't the problem or the solution. You were a chest to lay on when I couldn't breathe and a terrible teacher on how to skate. To simply put it, you were Josh.

Thank you Josh.

The only thing I will ask of you is to take that love you felt for me and give it to someone who loves you back. I thought that if someone loved me I would be fixed but I didn't need love. I needed an out. This is what I needed. I know what I did was selfish, so just do me a favor, love. Don't let what I did stop you. Be selfish and love. Don't let go. Don't give up like I am. Stay who you are, Josh. Love someone who will save you like you wanted to save me and never let go of them. You two would make a pretty good couple. You deserve better than anyone at that school. Josh you deserve someone who will be there for you just as much as you've been there for me.

Josh, it was an honor to skate my last skate with you.

So with this I dedicate the last thing I write,

To you.