We All Have Daddy Issues (Max Green)

I'd Rather Die Than Live With You Being A Whole New Person

With a small suitcase packed, I turned on a CD. Right now I needed something to relax me, and let me think. Everyone has those fucking days where they just feel like maybe they should give up because they are doing everything wrong, right? I hope to the god I don't believe in that it's not just me.

For starters, I'm not eating. The happiness I get from feeling my hip bones stick out is way better than any food has ever given me. As Kate Moss once said, "Nothing Taste's As Good As Skinny Feels."

Then there's the fact that the guy that I love... I'm not sure I even love him anymore. I don't know what the fuck love is these days. Surely Max means something to me, because he has such an affect over my feelings, and my life, and my everything. So I guess, yeah. I love him. But does that mean I'm in love with him? I used to think love lasted forever, and that when people were in love with each other they couldn't live without the other one. I keep living without him. He keeps breaking my heart. But maybe that's what being in love is. When you are so close with someone they have the chance to smash your heart into a million tiny pieces. In that case, Max and I are so in love. Because he keeps breaking my heart... and I just don't have it in me to break his.

Blake and Daniel left the band, but whatever. They were easily fixed. I just miss the two boys who saved me from my stupid, crazy, double ex boyfriend. How do you get back to that place. I want to know how to go back in time, and get those moments of my life back.

Grey and I were so close. I felt like we had the weight of the world on our shoulders, but we took it on together. I have NEVER had a friend like that. Someone who has had my back before. And it makes me so sad to think that it's gone. Things will never be the same. I can sit here and say that. "Things. Won't. Ever. Be. The. Same." and those words have been said so much that they've lost their meaning. Do we stop to think of what it means? Those six words mean so fucking much.

I never got over that whole Ronnie situation. I feel like.... possibly Grey was right about him still being in love with me. But then again, Ronnie really liked Mandy when they were dating. I don't think he still has feelings for me. I hope not, because I don't have those types of feelings back for him. He has always treated me a little nicer than usual. Even better than Max. But I still didn't fall for him. Why is Max so special to me when he always just fucked things up. Ronnie, he protected my secrets. He sang to me in the hospital. To begin with, he was smart enough to figure out my secrets without being told. He's goofy, and fun to be around.

I hope he never loses that child-like way of living. All of them. That's why I call them all boy's. They aren't grown up yet. None of us are. I'm just a stupid kid still. While it may seem that I am bashing myself by saying that, I am not. Being a stupid kid is great. Because then you grow up and realize you can't get that back.

When we were kids we all had dreams, cheapened by society. Rockstars? They don't live their dreams. Everything changed when they started selling albums. They become a label, and are bought and sold. Think about it.

Anyways, back to the whole Max thing. He always has, from the beginning, fucked things straight the fuck up. And I still care a lot about him, even if I fucking hate him for what he said right now. I'm not sure why, though.

I exhale the last of my Cigarette while the last track of my Bob Dylan CD plays. Taylor is in the next room over bitching for me to shut it off or turn it down. I won't, though. It's my house. He can go live with mommy if he doesn't like it.

"In the end we're all just fucked up kids." I flicked my cigarette into the ash tray. My door opened soon after that, Mandy coming in and ushering me out to her car. I feel like i'm going to cry, though. I can't handle going to a stupid meeting. Like what the hell kind of job expects you to pack up and leave for a week or two to go stay in a nearby city or state to shoot pictures.