One Hell Of A Life

chapter fifteen: dear callum airey.

Em POV:

Sure, this is going to be hard to put into words and fully explain. I never said that this would be easy.

Cal and I... We're good with one another now. No awkwardness, no glances at one another, no more having to be careful not to expose ourselves.

All traces of everything are gone.

Physical evidence - shit that you can see - is non existent. Mentally, however, that's a different story. Well, for me, anyway.

I'm scarred for life; not really in a bad way, in fact, the whole fiasco gave me some sort of thrill. You'll find that in my family, we find doing wrong or challenging tasks exhilarating. I can contribute to that asset.

Grab some popcorn, ladies, gentlemen, and variations thereupon. Sit tight, this'll be quite a ride.

-

"CALLUM!" I shouted through my giggles, sprinting as hard as I could down the pier.

The pair of us were in Southend-on-Sea, around an hour's drive away from where we lived in Stratford. Cal and I had got the train down in order to shoot some football related photos that he wanted for Rebel FC. Silhouettes on the beach, keepy-ups whilst holding an ice cream; that sort of thing.

We'd lasted around two hours non stop shooting, happy with the photos that were being taken. However, we soon got distracted by the arcade place at the beginning of the pier, noticing it as we ran along the beach towards the steps that led to it.

If I'm honest, it had been quite romantic for the both of us, but in a weird friends with benefits kind of way. Cal had came up behind me at one point earlier in the arcades, and smacked my ass. I'd turned around, pretending to be horrified, and he laughed it off: "It's jokes, it's jokes," he said.

I'd found myself staring into his eyes often, and not just on that day. It happened, pretty much, on the daily.

"YOU DARE, CALLUM AIREY!" I tried controlling my laughter in order to keep a serious tone as the tall, grinning ginger threatened to flick my only bobble for the day out to sea.
"TRY ME!" He creased at my attempts to retrieve the black elastic, my peripheral vision blocked due to my afro hair running wild around my face.

"Damn you! I give up." I stuck my bottom lip out, sitting on the wooden planks that held us up.
"Your hair looks better when it's down, anyway." Cal held out his hand. I took it, gasping when he pulled me swiftly upwards, close to his chest. After a small embrace, he looked down at me, a sparkle in his eye.
"Was that a compliment, Callum?" I questioned, a smirk on my face.
"Take it as one." Cal whispered. Then, he gently brushed the curls away from my face, planting a kiss on my cheek.

I looked back at him with bright eyes.

"If JJ finds out..." I broke the silence.
"It can be our little secret, then." He smiled.
"Sure thing."

Cal's blue orbs flickered briefly down to look at my lips, and then back up. After I gave him a slight nod, we began to lean in...

-

You're probably wondering, y'know, the almighty question.

Did you bang?

Yes, in short. And I ain't gunna describe that, because it would be horribly awkward for the both of us.

Several times we made out, several times we kissed, several times we almost let our mates in on what was going on by accident. But for a period of months, it could've been three or four, we were sort of seeing each other. There were no dates, no Instagram posts captioned that we were 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend', and the fans suspected nothing.

It was an exhilarating adventure.

One night, however, Cal stayed round my apartment. He was sat on my sofa, and my head rested on his thigh. As the TV began playing Let Her Go by Passenger, I begged him the question:
"What are we?"

After a pause of presumed thinking, Cal looked up from his phone, and without meeting my eyes, gave me an answer.
"We're in some sort of relationship."
"Yeah, good job at figuring that one out, dumbass." I rolled my eyes, turning over to see his eyes meet mine.
"Then what's the problem?" He turned off his phone and placed it face down on the coffee table.

"D-Do you not think that, y'know, this has gone too far?" I chewed on my thick jumper sleeve.
"In what sense? We've gone too far in our actions, or us?" He said knowingly.
"The second one." I looked up at him with sad eyes.
"In that case, I do, yeah." Cal admitted quietly, however with a blunt tone.
"I agree." I nodded slowly. "It's been eating away at me for a week or so."
"I can tell; you wouldn't have brought it up." He smiled warmly.

"So?" I sighed.
"So..." Cal repeated.
"What do we do?" I rubbed my eyes.
"We... Go back to how we were before?" He picked up his phone, using fingerprint access to open Twitter back up.
"I suppose." I sat up, grabbing my drink of tea.
"Mmh." He muttered.

Here, it may come across that Calfreezy ain't the most caring man you've ever come across. However, he is a massive legend.

It's just men wanting to fit in.

Society tells us that masculinity is defined by a male who never stops looking himself in the mirror, with an an uncaring, IDGAF about you attitude, and handsome features. This is what every guy aspires to be. Coincidentally, this also happens to be the definition of a dickhead.

But, y'know, I can't help but think and reckon that Cal took me for granted and used me for pleasure. And on top of that, didn't give a shit when all of it ended.

Amazing, right?

That's why that song still haunts me. That's the reason why I cannot bare the sound of those iconic guitar strings being played in the song. Because everything that I tried to lock away and ignore every single day onwards, comes flooding back to me. My brain can't handle it, and fucks me over.

I loved him. I loved him more than in just a friend's with benefits way. I wanted to start a proper relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend.

And it hurt like hell when he let me down.

So dear Callum Airey,
In these words I say thank you. Thank you for holding my hand when times were tough; it comforted me. Thank you for the wild nights; they were exciting. Thank you for accepting the ending and how it ended; it was less of a let down than I expected it to be.

Dear Callum Airey,
Great memories, dude. I guess it was cool? I'm glad that we're still good mates, that nothing has come between us like I feared it would. It took me a while to adjust to the reality of it all, but I think I'm okay now. I hope so, anyway.

Dear Callum Airey,
It was fun while it lasted, and I'm just sad that it's over. And thank you for teaching me what love was. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

a/n:

3rd in #zerkaahd.

this probably wasn't as intense as youse wanted. same tbh, but this is the way that the story should go. i can't boot cal off the book, can i?

also, had the weirdest dream last night. just an fyi.

thank you for reading, love you loads.

lee x