South Park Oneshots

Delicious (Cartman x Food)

This is a joke oneshot so don't judge me please 😂

PURE SHIT ⚠️

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Cartman's POV

It's been three months since me and Heidi broke up. I mean, she was a great girlfriend but I think I finally found my true love. She didn't seem fine when I said "I wanna break up bitch!" but now she told me she found her true love too, and I don't even care about that.

Well, you will probably say that I'm crazy or stupid when I tell you who my true love is but I don't care. I'm not the freak here, you are.

I didn't tell anyone about what I'm feeling because everybody at school would laugh at me. One day, I'm sure they will be jealous of how me and my love will be.

I know you are curious so I'm gonna tell you. I'm in love with... food (Kyle *COUGH*) . I discovered that all I need to be happy is eat (Kyle *COUGH*). I'm in love with specially one food: Cheesy Poofs. I don't know how to explain, but I found out when I was dating Heidi. Cheesy Poofs has always been with me. I don't even know why didn't I realize before.

I bought a special limited edition Cheesy Poofs and I called it Sarah. So... basically, me and Sarah are dating for almost a year. "She" was my mistress when I was with Heidi and fortunately, she never found out.

Our love is strong, pure and perfect. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I pretend to propose to her today, and I hope she says yes.

I dragged Kyle, Stan and Kenny to a random 99 cents store and asked them which ring I should pick to propose to someone. They all got shocked.

"You are going to propose to Heidi?!" Kyle asked.

"Of course not, jew."

"So to who are you going to propose?" Stan asked.

I blush a little when I think of Sarah.

"Well, it's someone really special to me, and if "she" says yes, you're all invited to our marriage"

"What the hell Cartman? You're going to get married?" Kenny said.

"Duh. I wanna get married, so I will get married" I said.

Kenny ignored what I said and turned around, trying to leave the store. Then, he tripped on the stairs and fell on a knife that a random guy was holding. I have no ideia why was he holding a knife on front of a 99 cents store but yeah... he was probably going to rob the store.

"Oh mah god! They killed Kenny!" Stan yelled.

"You bastards!" Kyle yelled too.

I just laughed a little because I thought that even though Kenny died like, a thousand times, he still wakes up on his bed at the morning, and he is completely alive. It's like he is immortal or anything like that.

"Back to the ring, which one should I pick?"

Kyle pointed to a pretty ring with a small fake pearl in it. I have to admit, he really found a pretty ring. And it was also very cheap, so I could buy it easily.

I went to my house and got on my knees in front of Sarah.

"Sarah, you are the most beautiful and amazing "person" that I know, and I want to spend all my life with you, so... will you marry me?"

"...."

"Really?!" My face lit up and I pulled "her" into a passionate kiss.

*Two days later..*

"Do you, Eric Cartman, accept Sarah as your wife and blah blah blah?" Craig said, a little annoyed.

"I do" I answered happily.

"And you, Sarah, so you accept Eric Cartman as your husband and blah blah blah blah?"

"..."

"I will consider this as a yes. So... now you two are married. Yayy. Now you can kiss the bride" Craig's "yay" sounded really annoyed, and he spent the whole ceremony with an angry expression.

I kissed Sarah passionately and held her.

"Sarah, you are delicious, cute, sweet and... you are just perfect. I love you and I wanna eat you right now." I whispered.

I swear I heard something like "You're as delicious as me and I wanna eat you too." But I ignored.