South Park Oneshots

Cartman gets a divorce (Cartman x Food part 2)

Ok so I haven't been able to write anything decent in a while so I decided it would be a good ideia to write a part 2 to that joke oneshot I wrote a while ago

This is fucking terrible, I hope y'all forgive me for this :'D

Edits: fixed some spelling/grammar mistakes

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(please don't take this seriously lmao)

"Sarah, I'm homeee!!" Eric happily shouts as he steps into his room after a long day at school. He looked at his bed, and there she was: his beautiful, yet little bit moldy, wife. It had been two years since he married the bag of cheese puffs of his dreams, and you could say their relationship was holding on pretty well.

Since Eric had opened Sarah to do *ahem* things during their honeymoon, she was already starting to rot and smell quite a lot, but Cartman didn't mind at all. For him, it was just his wife's "special scent". As for Liane... she was kind of happy her son had found something to love and care for, but the things she caught him doing with it were not ok at all.

She had tried to get rid of the old bag of cheese puffs several times, but her son always managed to get it back somehow. Her last hope was to arm a situation where it seemed that her son's beloved "wife" had cheated on him. Was it stupid? Of course, but it was the only way she found to end the weird obsession Eric had.

And that's where we were just a second ago. Liane placed another bag of cheese puffs on her son's bed, right next to the precious Sarah, hoping it would get his attention. Cartman had just gotten home, and found Sarah lying on his bed. He looked at her seductively, as if he thought Sarah was somehow seducing him.

"Oh, hello for you too, beautiful" he wiggled his eyebrows.

He started walking slowly to the bed, moving his hips like Shakira the whole time. He pinned Sarah down, but when he pulled the sheets, he saw what he never thought he'd see: his wife was with someone else, another bag of cheese puffs! Eric gasped, offended and already hurt.

"Sarah, what the fuck is this?" He asked, his voice shaky and sort of desperate.

"..."

"What do you mean by that?!"

"..."

"Uh huh, now I'm the cheater??? I've always gave you my full love and attention and that's what I get?!? I've always known you were a bitch!!" He turned his back to the bed, yelling like crazy and crying a little bit, even though he was too ashamed to admit it.

"..."

"Yeah!! I called you a bitch, so what?? That's just what you are!" He kept yelling and yelling, each time getting louder.

On the meantime, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were heading to Cartman's bedroom to invite him to do what they usually do: anything special. When suddenly they heard their friend scream at the top of his lungs, so they rushed upstairs, worried that something could've happened.

They opened the door a little bit and peeked through the gap, and there was Eric: yelling and crying as if he was an irritated baby, but it seemed like he was taking to someone. Kyle was the only one to immediately realize what was going on there:

"*sigh* he's having an argument with that cheese puffs bag again. We should leave him alone for now." Kyle was prepared to leave when Stan pushed him back.

"No way dude, this is way too funny to miss. We have to know what will happen!" Stan said happily and Kenny nodded in agreement.

"I can't believe you cheated on me. You- you crazy bitch!!" Cartman screamed.

"..."

"Sarah... how could you say that just now??" Eric's eyes got more teary, and he started to cry genuinely. His three friends were shocked to sight of him have such a real reaction to a conversation he was making up on his head.

"..."

"Ok, if he's better than me just leave me and stay with him, bitch!"

"..."

"So you're not even going to apologize????"

"..."

"Alright, fine! If you're gonna be like that I... I-I... I want the divorce!" He yelled, proceeding to pick both of the cheese puff bags and throw them out the window.

Kyle and Stan were left dumbfounded, while Kenny cried watching the whole situation.

"Umm... Cartman?" Kyle asked.

Eric, panting and with a serious face, looked at him dead in the eye and said:

"It's all over you guys, everything is ok now. I just have to get rid of the bodies"

"Uhhh, what...?" Stan asked, kind of creeped out by the situation.