If You Must

All That We Are Is Missing

Baz

I don't know where we land, but it isn't Earth. Dark blue grass sways around our ankles, and two suns set in the cerulean sky. I stare at my soon-to-be-husband, utterly nonplussed.

"What the fuck did you just do, Snow?" I ask, trying not to laugh. Simon's still staring around us at this strange new world.

"I have no idea..." He says, and I can see him resisting a giggle of his own.

"Shall we continue?" Says the priest, who seems oddly unaffected by our sudden, otherworldly change in setting.

I look at Simon. He looks at me.

"Shall we then, Si?" I ask. Simon beams at me, taking my hands again.

"I suppose this is a good a place as any," He replies.

The priest clears his throat again, starting to speak.

"Gentlemen, this is the most serious and Magickal vow any mage can take. Do you both understand the responsibilities and maturity that a marriage entails?" When we both nod, he opens his mouth to continue, but is interrupted by a deep, thunderous rumble that shakes the ground beneath our feet.

The ground begins to undulate, rolling as if it were made of water. Then, something huge bursts forth from the blue grass, spraying red dirt everywhere.

Whatever this creature is, it's about a hundred feet long and covered from head to tail in slimy grey scales. A huge, gaping mouth turns towards us with a monstrous roar, the great maw lined with jagged green teeth.

"Run!" I shout. Just in time, too. As soon as I move, the beast's head collides with the ground where I stood not three seconds before.

We tear through the blue grass. Simon's got his sword in his hand, and as the beast makes another lunge for me, I shout at him,

"Sword!" Getting the idea, Simon tosses it at me. I take a swing at the monster following us, managing to leave a gash in its neck. Nothing deep enough to really hurt it, however. It just swings its head, roaring so loud my ears literally begin to bleed. It smashes its tail into the ground.

"Si, you've got to get us back!" I yell, tossing Simon his sword back.

"And if we could continue with the vows, please, gentlemen!" The priest shouts, hiking up his robe to his thighs as he runs. "I'm a very busy man!" Simon shoots the man a look.

"All right, Baz, I'll try!" Simon screws up his face, sending forth a golden jet of magic. Sure enough, a rip appears in the air before us. We leap through, still running. The monster behind us pushes its way into this world.

We're still not home. In this world, it's nighttime, and the stars are as red as droplets of blood. An ominous hissing issues from the ground.

"Keep trying!" I say. Quickly, I start shouting every spell I know at the monster, waving my wand over my shoulder as we run. Simon keeps opening up rips in the fabric of the universe, and we dash through each, the beast never far behind us.

"Your vows, please!" Growls the priest. Aleister fucking Crowley, what is this guy's problem? We're a bit busy.

"I, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch," I snarl between spells, "Take you, Simon Oliver Snow, to be my husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward," I grunt with effort as I catch Simon's sword again and swing it at the beast's head, "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and--" I duck to avoid a wildly swinging grey tail, "--cherish always! Simon!" I toss him his sword again, simultaneously shooting a Helter Skelter! spell at the monster. Its scales peel up in patches, but no other lasting damage is done. We jump through another space-time-continuum rip. Simon utters a long stream of curse words as his nose begins to bleed with the effort of world-jumping.

"Your vows, Mr.Snow!" shouts the priest.

"Give him a fucking breather!" I growl in response, "He's in the middle of saving your pathetic arse!" I hear Simon laugh beside me.

"Have I ever told you I love you, Baz?" He teases. I grin, using a spell to stab a spear made of hardened air into our pursuant's side.

"You might've mentioned it once or twice," I reply. Simon grins, opening up another world rip with a snap of his fingers.

"Boys, please!" Says the priest.

"All right, all right! Jesus!" Yells Simon, "I, Simon Oliver Snow," his nose is bleeding harder now, and so are his ears, "Take you, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, to be my husband, to have and to-- sword!" He throws his sword at me, and I catch it just in time to deflect a blow from the creature's tail I wouldn't have otherwise have been able to stop.

"Thanks!"

"Cheers! Where the-- fucking hell," He stumbles on a tree root but straightens up quickly, "Where was I?"

"To have and to hold!" I shout, sending a Ladybird, Ladybird verse flying at the monster.

"Right! To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish always!" We rip through into another world, and I see a sheen of sweat beading on Simon's forehead. My own magic is running dangerously thin, I can't imagine what his is doing.

"Riiiiiings!" The priest's demand turns into a shrill scream as we pass into a world that seems to have no bottom and begin to fall. Quickly, Simon zaps us to another world (this one with solid ground), visibly straining with the effort.

"Simon, catch!" I shout, tossing Simon his ring. He catches it deftly before swinging the Sword of Mages at the beast. "I, Basilton Grimm-Pitch, Give you, Simon Snow, this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you!"

"Catch, Baz!" Simon says. I swipe the ring out of the air as it arcs towards me, sliding it on my finger as I shoot a jet of fire from the tip of my wand in the direction of the beast. I hear it scream in pain, nearly drowning out Simon's voice as he says, "I, Simon Snow, give you, Basilton Grimm-Pitch, this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to-- fuck!" He swears as our entrance to another world has us surrounded by glittering, deadly, crystalline spikes. Quickly, he zaps us out of it again. "To you!"

"Do you, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, take Simon Oliver Snow to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Asks the priest, still aggravatingly unbothered by our current situation. Is he not human, or something? I mean, Aleister Crowley, I'm a goddamn vampire and I'm at least trying to direct my terror into trying to kill the thing that wants to eat us.

"I really fucking do!" I shout, trying to aim another jet of fire down the thing's gullet.

"And do you, Simon Oliver Snow, take Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch to be your lawfully wedded husband?" The priest ducks to avoid a low, oddly rubbery tree branch.

"I do!" Simon yells in reply, finally managing to stab the beast deep enough to do some actual damage. The monster screams again as its head falls away from its body, which slams to the ground in a crumpled heap.

"Then by the power vested in me by the grand country of Great Britain, I now pronounce you--"

We are falling again, but the air smells familiar, and there's only one sun in the sky. I know before we hit the ground that we are home again.

We land, Simon and I piled on top of one another, the priest caught on a tree branch a few feet away.

"--Husband and husband! You may kiss the mage!"