If You Must

All That We Are Is Okay

Simon

I sort of nuzzle Baz awake, bumping my chin and nose against his jaw. It's four in the afternoon. He fell asleep on my chest at three (I think). We haven't done much today-- after I calmed him down a bit, we watched a movie and snogged a little (a lot). I actually succeeded in making us lunch (bacon butties. Easy enough), and Baz fell asleep right after. I dozed off for a while, too, and I probably wouldn't have woken up if it weren't for my mobile buzzing on the ottoman.

"Baz," I murmur. He groans in reply, not opening his eyes, "Darling, wake up." I feel the soft brush of his lips against my neck before he mutters,

"Only because you called me 'darling'." I grin, pushing my fingers through his silky black hair (even when it's knotted by sleep, it's still ridiculously smooth. Like, shampoo commercial smooth).

"You're a prat, you know." My voice is low and affectionate-- flirtatious. Warm breath tickles my throat as he chuckles.

"And you're an Extra-Special Idiot, Simon," he replies, his own voice deep and sultry. I laugh a snorting, giggling laugh. Like when a little kid starts laughing and can't stop. Playfully, I poke his forehead.

"I'm your Extra-Special Idiot, Basilton. Now are you getting up?" Baz only groans again, sliding down to bury his face in my chest.

"Do I have to?" I poke him again.

"Yes. Penny and Micah want to have dinner." Baz shoots me a pathetic thumbs up, still not lifting his head off my chest.

"Good for them. Glad to hear it. Food is important." I try lifting his chin with my hands but he won't budge. Just presses his face closer to me. The petulant child.

"With us, you wanker. They want to have dinner with us," I insist, trying to hide the smile from my voice.

"Fine, I'll get up. I need to go hunt, anyway," he grumbles, pushing himself up. I sit up too, pushing my fingers through my matted curls in an attempt to tame them. Baz goes to stand up, but I stop him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Baz," I say. He faces me. The lustre is back in those silver eyes-- a good sign.

"Yes?" He says it like he already knows what I'm about to ask. But not like he's pissed-- not like he would have been three years ago.

"Are you feeling better? We don't have to go eat with Penny and Micah, if you're not up to it." A soft smile tips the corners of those grey-pink lips.

"I'm okay, Si. Just... a bit wiped out. I'll be better after I eat." I nod, then lean in to kiss his cheek, just below the sharp cheekbone. And then I shift onto my knees to kiss his forehead (he's too fucking tall, even sitting down).

"Okay. Good. I love you, Baz," I reply, resting my forehead against his hairline. Against that knife-tip widow's peak. He presses his face into my neck. His warm breath in stark contrast with his cool grey skin.

"I know. I love you too." He presses a gentle kiss to the mole on my neck before disentangling himself from me and standing up. "I'm going to go hunt. I'll be back."

I nod. And then he's gone.

I shouldn't be, but... I'm still worried about him. Maybe I should follow him out. He could probably use the company. But I decide against it. That would be too Fifth Year of me.

Aleister Crowley, Fifth Year. How did Penny not realise I was in love with Baz before Eighth Year? I'm definitely asking her at dinner. That'll be a fun conversation: "Hey Pen, why didn't you realise I was gay? I was obviously very, very gay."

Yeah, I shouldn't ask that.

(I might, though. Some day).

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Author's Note:

I'm re-listening to the audiobook of Carry On (because I think I'm actually addicted to Rainbow Rowell's books) and I just listened to the chapter 60-64 section and MY HEART IS MELTING (*ahem* again). SNOWBAZ IS SO RIDICULOUSLY CUTE. EVERY TIME I REREAD THIS BOOK I GET TOO MANY FEELINGS.

Also I feel like my brain has turned to mush. I just took a four-and-a-half-hour long test that will partially determine the course of my friggin' future, and... yeah, it took a lot out of me. If you listen carefully, you'll hear me screaming and sobbing in the background of this chapter.

-- Lefty