Star Crossed: Forbidden [larry]

Chapter XXVIII: Transparent

I begged my parents to let me stay home from church. It didn't work. So here I was in my church suit, trying to hide from pastor Tomlinson in the bathroom of the church. The service hadn't started yet and if it was up to me, I would stay in here the whole service. It didn't feel right to be in a church anymore. I'd been thinking about God and religion a lot. I read the entire bible, trying to make sense of everything and finally I came to the conclusion that I didn't believe in a god. Not anymore. I did some research on different religions and beliefs and how religions were formed. In the end, I found I was atheist. It didn't make sense to me that there was a god that created a Universe as corrupt as this one. If there was a God the world wouldn't be this way. People made up religions to give themselves a security about the afterlife and answer the question of how. They wanted something to believe in so they created a God. But I don't need some invisible guy in the sky to believe in. I don't need people judging me based off some book written thousands of years ago. I don't need religion nor a god. I glanced down at my cross necklace my dad got me when I was fourteen, I had never taken it off. It didn't feel right wearing it anymore. I stood from the toilet as I unhooked the gold chain from my neck. I then lifted the cross over the toilet and dropped it into the bowl.

"You never were much help to me anyway," I whispered as I flushed it.

I joined my parents in the service room. I hid my face behind a bible, trying to look like I was reading it.

"Harry!" I turned around to see Gemma. I smiled and ran into her arms. It was the first time I'd seen her since she moved out.

"I missed you, Haz," she told me.

"I missed you too." We pulled apart and she just stared at me, taking in my appearance. I had bags under my eyes from not sleeping in weeks now, my hair was disheveled and greasy, my fingernails were bitten to the bone, my lips were dry and beyond chapped, and the usual gold chain was gone from my neck.

"You're not wearing your cross," she said looking into my empty green eyes. My parents turned to me, noticing my bare neck.

"Yeah, I lost it," I lied. Her eyes read into me, understanding the ununderstandable. Mr.Tomlinson took his place and we all sat down. I couldn't look at him. And when my eyes dared to creep to his figure, they saw a completely different person than before. What they once saw as pure, powerful, and admirable was now immoral, bastard, and deplorable. His eyes that I once saw of light and happiness, were now dark and unworthy. I concluded that he was illusive. He made people believe that cause he was a pastor he was someone to look up to when he was shameful. He stopped mid sentence when his eyes met mine. He just stared at me as his lips curled up in disgust. People started to turn around to see what he was looking at, they were soon all exchanging glances between the pastor and I. I shot him a smirk and he returned to his bible only to return his gaze to me.

"We tend to deceive others into thinking we are one thing when we are another. Murders claiming they are fathers, rapists claiming to be the smartest in school, and homosexuals to be the ones who just can't find love." His eyes met mine when he spoke the last part.

"I did find someone to love," I whispered to myself. The thing was that he was deceiving them too. He made them believe he was holy and accepting when he abused his own fucking son. We all hide, we hide behind a mask. One that we create on our own. One that shows what we want others to see, not what we ourselves want to see. We do this, to lessen judgment and to feel better about ourselves, to feel part of the crowd, to feel like everyone else. But we cannot hide behind these masks forever. Sooner or later, the mask will fall off or be torn off, exposing our true selves and getting more judgment than we would have in the first place.

After church, everyone gathered outside for refreshments and to socialize.

"How you been Haz?" Gemma asked me with a soft smile.

"I've been okay," I said truthfully. She smiled at me, the sun lighting up her eyes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing at my church?!?" a voice yelled from behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. Everyone was staring at us as he continued to charge towards me, his face scrunched up in anger.

"This is a place of worship, I will not let bastards into my church!" he shouted. Behind him appeared the blue eyed boy I had grown to love.

"What point of never wanting to see you again did you not understand, kid? Did I not make it clear enough for ya?" Louis lowered his head, his eyes a dull, doleful blue.

"Sir, please calm down, there are guests around," Niall said in a calm voice as he tried to usher him away only to be pushed out of the way.

"I will not calm down until that bastard leaves!" He was yelling and pointing right at me. People stepped away from me in disgust.

"I'll advise you to leave now, Styles unless you want me to expose your true identity."

I locked eyes with Louis, had it would of just been me he would be exposing, I would of stood my ground. But it wasn't just me. And I knew that by exposing me, he'd be exposing us. I couldn't let that happen to Louis. Louis' eyes read into mine, understanding. I put my paper cup down and walked down the grass hill. I could hear the silence spread as I made my way to the pavement. I looked around seeing people still staring as they whispered to each other. I watched as Louis was dragged by his father to talk to someone. The hot sun was shining down on me in my black church suit. I sank down to the side of the sidewalk, loosening my tie and unbuttoning my jacket. I didn't even try to hold back the tears that poured down my face. I placed my head in between my legs as I sobbed, letting out muffled screams. I didn't even care about getting kicked out. It was the realization that at any moment, that man could turn Louis and I in, sending us to the gallows. As much as I hated the people in this world, I didn't want to die. I had so much life left to live. I didn't want my life to be cut short by the gallows.

"Why can't I just love him?"