What Was Ours

2A. All alone

I know it's pathetic to cry over someone like him but I find my tears falling down. They run down like cascades which were useless. My tears only soil my shirt which does nothing but make me feel sticky and uncomfortable. I can't help but sob like there is no tomorrow.

Just when I thought I found someone to be with me; I was wrong. I thought I had someone worth fighting for. I, no longer, felt alone but here I am again alone in this world. This big world which seems to be small enough to suffocate me. I'm drowning here. It's hard to breathe when my chest is hurting me. My chest or my heart are hurting me like no other.

What did I do wrong? Am I wrong to trust people? I thought, I had been careful but I wasn't. Here I am with a broken heart. My heart torn to pieces by a man who doesn't love me. That man was married. That man is the man I fell in love with. I fell in love with the wrong person.

I should've listened to mother and waited to finish my career and go home to find someone good for me. That small town where everyone knows everyone and everything. I didn't want that but it seems better than being lied to. He looked me in the eyes when he took me in his arms. I believed the sincerity which were portrayed frailty in them.

The only frailty here is me. I'm weak in every aspect. I had chosen carnal desires over what my brain said not to. It wasn't because I knew he was bad news but the fact that he was way older than me. I lost everything that was worth to me, the little I had to be with this man. He didn't lose anything. He is the only one who gains from this. He probably has a wife who isn't aware of his betrayal and a lover with nowhere to go. He has us where he wants.

He has me here living in this place which he probably pays with his "pocket" money. Meanwhile, I barely made ends meet before meeting him. Now, I barely had anything to my name. The only things I had where the little clothes and few materials I had. All I had could fit in my luggage bag and a backpack. Was that what made me an easier pray? Or was it the loneliness?

I had been alone for so long. I thought I was okay with being alone. It felt good feeling taken care of. I let my guard down. I let my guard down when I should've run away. There's no turning back. I did something wrong by being with him. He was married and he probably has a whole other life which he prefers. I'm just the you he plays with in his spare time. He's a rich man who got bored.

I feel like a low life. He was treating me like one too. He bought me things to ease his conscious, to sidetrack me. He blinded me, blindsided. Didn't I say that I never cared for material things? Hadn't I made it clear I only wanted him? But I can't have him. I can only have what he gives me: those materialistic things, no love. Never love.

I was one of those things he can set aside any time he wants. I was nothing but a toy for him.

The truth of the matter was I had no place to go, I had very little to my name, and only a few dollars in my bank account. An account which had money set aside for my school tuition and supplies. I needed to find a job which paid well. I needed to get out of here. The wolf wasn't going to eat me. I opened up my eyes realizing I had to act fast. I have to find the best way to escape this beast.

I sat up knowing that I had to leave. Knowing that I couldn't be some secret lover. I couldn't do it. I needed to call to see if my apartment was still available. I have to see if I can find another job. There is so much to do and so little time.

~*~

I was looking online to see if I could find a job and an apartment which could fit my possible budget. It was hard because nothing was within my budget and all these jobs required some years of experience. I applied to some which I only prayed to get an answer. I wasn't feeling lucky at all. They all wanted experience and I'm nothing but a freshman in college. The stress was building inside me. The uncertainty of how things will turn out.

I probably only had this weekend before Jungkook comes to this apartment. I needed to be quick because I couldn't afford to stay at a hotel for an extended period of time. The best thing to do was stay here until I can find a place but only if Jungkook doesn't come back. I don't want to see him.

For me, everything between us was over. It didn't matter if he loved me but if he said he loved me I would...I couldn't think like this. I can't go back to him. I can't cause any harm to a family. I wouldn't want that.

I needed a way out but it seems like he's built a trap from which I can't escape. He's got me trapped in his clutches. That innocent face concealed a beast. A beast which manipulated me perfectly according to him. I'd been a fool to believe him.

Naive. I had been naive...it's unfair. It's unfair that I had to lose everything but he stays there untouched. I lose. I lost because I'm in love with that beast. He's got me in his clutches which created my cage. A cage I'm not sure I can escape. I'm already broken, I feel smaller than before. What can I do? What can I do when the beast makes me feel protected?

July 15, 2018
Thoughts?

I know it's short but maybe next chapter won't be.