What Was Ours

3L. Welcome

How did I get here?

The tears stream down my eyes as the pains are only minutes apart. I hold onto the bed rail hoping that the pain will hurt less, praying that it's over with. This is not how I planned to spend my birthday. I planned on having a small family dinner and talk to Hyungie after. He promised to me while we both eat a slice of cake. It sounded like a simple but much awaited plan. Everything would've gone smoothly if my water didn't break. Jisoo was supposed to come until next week.

My plans haven't gone according to plan. I had hoped by this time Hyungie would be here but he's miles away from home and he hasn't responded to my messages. He's probably taking an exam at this time; while I'm here with birth pains.

There's so much going through my mind but I'm mostly in pain. I'm trying to overcome those shooting pains that happen so frequently. This isn't what I imagined, it never is. I'm not sure if I want to go through this again. Just maybe it'll be her and I. It could be first time jitters making me think this way but it's hard being in this position.

"Jinnie, you'll get through this and everything will be okay. I'm right here." Jimin-hyung tries to calm me, provide comfort when everything is unbearable and all I want to do is cry. He's an angel.

Jimin's the only one in here and the only one I will allow in the room with me. I know, it should be my eomma but I don't want her to see me like this. Actually, no one wants to be seen this way but I'm scared going through this alone. Honestly, if I could do this myself I would but I need someone with me. I feel so incompetent. I should be stronger than this.

"It hurts." I manage to say between pains. The pain won't be relieved for about another hour or so, the doctor said. It was too late to take an epidural or anything for pain. I had to get through this with ice chips and ice packs which didn't do much or anything at all. The drive from home to the town hospital was about half hour going full speed and it had been horrible. Everything had been a blur. I'm trying to be strong but this is uncomfortable and my own skin is irritating me. I feel so clammy and disgusting.

This isn't me.

This doesn't feel right at all. Time is the only thing that I know. I count down the minutes for the hour to pass by. It goes by slowly, it seems my sweat drips quicker than time passes. Only an hour has to pass by. I shouldn't have waited too long at home but the doctor had said it would take hours before actually giving birth. I had trusted his knowledge and waited. If I had come from the beginning, I wouldn't be feeling this horrendous pain and uncomfort.

"Breathe, Jinnie. It'll be time soon." He kisses my forehead. It's a simple gesture which is comforting but, at the same time, I wish he didn't get close to me. I probably reek and there's sweat all over my body. It's one of the few times I want to push people away but this uncertainty makes me want someone by my side.

I nod. It seems I finally found a position which is less uncomfortable and I can relax. I'm afraid to move and lose that sense of comfort I just found while moving around. The commodity is lost when I cringe in pain. This is so frustrating, I let myself cry out again. This isn't what I expected and I wanted Hyungie with me.

Why does it have to be him?

"Jiminie." I can't help but free his hand. The pain seems to get worse by the minute. Could I make it?

"Hyungie?" I ask after gathering some strength.

"Your eomma said that he called not too long ago. He's asking how you are and the baby. He was in class taking some exam and they're trying to convince him to stay there— he's going to try to make it." Jimin reads his messages. There's a sense of relief upon hearing those words. I could get through this.

It only took those words to provide me some strength. He's becoming too important. I have to many hopes and dreams on this man— I just hope I'm not jumping into shallow waters again.

"He's not going to make it," I realize.

"No, no he's not but you'll be glad to see him after months. I'm sure that's what you wanted too." He smiled and kisses my hand.

"How about we read her a story? That way she'll know we are waiting patiently for her." Jimin suggests. I nod because I welcome any possible distraction from these pains. There's nothing better than to listen to Jimin's soothing voice. Perhaps he'll sing her a lullaby every time she kicks too much or it's time for bed.

It is time like those that I'm grateful to have him in my life. I just know deep within my heart he'll be a great father and husband one day. He could've been mine but my heart doesn't seem to want him. He's the brother that will always have my back. I can count on him for everything. He's my guy.

We read the story together and do it twice. He sings soothing lullabies while we wait. He tries to smooth out my hair which is slowly sticking to me. It's getting too disgusting. It takes us by surprise when the doctor finally knocks to come in. Doctor Bae is kind and as gentle as ever, she doctor checks the progress on the baby. It's nerve wrecking waiting to see her response. I hold onto Jimin waiting anxiously. I'm ready to bring her into this world and something tells me it's time.

"It's time," she says. "I'll go ask them to get everything ready and we can start. Everything will go as explained unless any complications should arise," she continues to speak but I look happily at Jimin.

It's time, time to welcome my Jisoo into this world. My precious baby would be in my arms soon. I have waited so long for this moment and I'm scared that I won't be a good father. Or the father I want to be but there's hope; as Jimin squeezes my hand lightly— I know I've got great support. I shouldn't forget about them. I just hope that Hyungie will accept us too but in the end he shouldn't matter. All that should matter to me is Jisoo.

Time to welcome my reason to live into this world. She's everything to me. She'll be above everything and everyone. She's the one I chose to love over anyone or anything. And I'm ready to give her my life is she asks me for it. Let me welcome her to this world.

The loud cries of a baby are heard throughout the room. I'm so tired but I know it's her. My heart clenches and I can't help but let tears of joy fall. Jimin is still holding my hand and I'm thankful too. He gets to share this happiness with me.

"Welcome, my Jisoo," I say tiredly.

This has taken so much out of me, giving birth isn't for everyone and we should respect those that do. They go through so much for months and all of it comes down to this moment. Once again, I'm not myself, everything feels so heavy and farway.

Help me, I want to say.

"She's beautiful," I hear before I lose grip of reality.

February 19, 2019
I decided to wait before posting this because the goal wasn't met. I kinda wanted to prove something and it's gonna sound salty— don't ask me to update when that's all you do. I update when I can and want (sure it helps when I have love and support from you guys). In the future, if I have several chapters ready I won't be so salty like now, but understand that I'm not one to write chapters everyday. It's only when inspiration hits and one or more chapters are written.

Also, for those in the group chat I'll be posting a preview for the next chapter after I see everyone has read the chapter.

Thanks