What Was Ours

4J. What was ours?

"You look puzzled. I know, it's not what you expected. That's something I should have done a long time ago. Before, I had many reasons to be afraid and I'm still not sure what the future holds with you and Jisoo. All I know is that I'm getting a divorce. I'm getting divorced, Jinnie. I'm going through with it." He reaffirmed. Just because he says it various times doesn't mean I have to believe him. He steps closer to me which shouldn't take me by surprise but it does. Hyungie was right to distrust him. I knew all along too but I thought it was because of my lack of trust in him, my past experience. Yet, I wanted to believe that I was wrong.

Shock was the initial feeling but another feeling takes over. Before he touches me, I step away. It's not because I'm scared because I don't fear him. I'm not naive and he can't hurt me again. What he envisions is never going to happen. It's what could have been. Once upon a time. It's nothing but the past. There's no future for us. There wasn't one then and there's none now.

Anger is the emotion that takes over. He had so many opportunities to do what he wanted, to do the right thing by all of us but he chose to ignore his conscience. Now he's asking to leave the life I've known since leaving him behind. How could he assume that we'd ever be more than Jisoo's parents? Did he not remember what he did? That I was hurt by his lack of love? Hurt by his indifference and lies. I've left the past in the past. I'll admit that I haven't forgiven him fully but that goes for myself too. I learned from that and continue to live a life that makes me happy. Try to forgive a little more each day.

In some weird way, I was happy with him but it doesn't mean I need him to be happy. I can be happy without him. I don't need him. I don't need his love. I don't need anything from him.

"I know, I'm late. There's no reason for you to trust me when I've been a liar in the past. I want to do what I should've done years ago. Is there any hope? I'd like a future together. JiSoo, you, and me, we can build something that's truly ours. I'll try to make it up to both of you, makeup for all the lost time." He tries to persuade me with a promise.

Lost time? Time is intangible, once you lose it, it's gone forever. Time is never lost, it's always accounted for. We might forget certain details in our lives but it doesn't mean they never occurred. It just means we carry with us what's most memorable, important, precious, and life changing to us. The past won't change. It changes for no one. There's no time travel, no magic wish that can change it. We live with the decisions we make. Right or wrong, we continue to live. So was there anything to make up?

"Make up for lost time? What is there to make up exactly?" He doesn't respond. "I'm a married man. I've built a family of my own. A family consisting of those I love and hold dear to my heart. You talk about making things right but what is there to make right? Answer me." He looks startled. I notice that my heart is racing and I'm furious.

"Jin, you have plenty of reasons to be angry and demand answers. I don't blame you. I'm not sure I can answer those questions  to your satisfaction," he pauses. "All I wanted, since the day you left, has been to have you by my side and do things right with you, everyone. It meant building a family with you, getting married, having a home, and all of it. There was so much I wanted to give you and Jisoo but I was a coward. I still am. I fear you'll decide to leave once this conversation is over. Jin? I loved you then, I love you now. Is it hard to believe? I know my actions were contradictory but I do love you."

The silence is intense. Those words didn't answer any of my questions. There's still doubt and questions left. He can't expect me to be satisfied with it. Yet, he's right anything he says won't ever sedate the pain I experienced. I do deserve answers but some questions are better left unanswered. I'm somewhere in the middle of angry and trying to move past all of this. He expects forgiveness when he hasn't asked for it. Does he expect me to bend and break like before? I'm not a naive boy anymore. I'm a man with a family, love, and support he felt he lacked before. I've got so much more. I don't have everything and I don't have all the answers but I know what I want. I'm certain that all I'll ever need and want is where I am, who I am, and that is enough for me. I'm a man in love with his husband, his children, and his imperfect life.

Struggles we all have them. Some more than others but I'm blessed— here and now.

"Is it too hard for you to forgive me? I'm trying to ask for forgiveness. This—this is something that I'll always carry with me. Something I've carried for years." He tries to diffuse the emotions that are threatening to rise within me.

"You can't expect forgiveness when you haven't asked for it. You've talked about it but I never heard you say 'forgive me' 'I'm sorry' or anything. Do you know why you're sorry? Is it because you hurt me? Jisoo? Or is it because your guilty conscience can't bear it anymore?" I pause waiting for his answer. "Your silence tells me more than you do. It's always been about you and how you feel. Did you ever stop to think about Jisoo and I? We suffered too. Don't make this about yourself because you're not the one who went through hunger, felt like giving everything up, trying to make all the tough decisions: all the while not trying to feel disappointed in yourself and the world. You can't make this about yourself. You're not the only one who suffered. Don't you think your family would too, if they knew? My decision to leave only affected Jisoo and I. Didn't it?

"I tried doing right by her. At times, we struggled but I fought against all odds for her. I try everyday to be a better person, a better father for her. Can you?" It doesn't feel like a simple speech but a form of declaration. A soul liberating declaration.

The words broke through to him, he sheds tears. His body quivers due to the emotion. The dam has been broken and that's what I wanted to see. I needed to see if he truly meant his apology. Did I know the exact reason behind it? No. I want to believe it's because he knows he hurt us and because there's a part of him that will feel guilty for doing the wrong thing. I take no pleasure in seeing him break but I'm relieved to feel there's hope for him. Hope that he will grow as a person, put this behind him, and continue his life like I have.

"I'm sorry," he mutters. It's not a scene from a television drama or movie. He's not down on his knees but it's a heartfelt and heartbreaking apology. The residual anger washes away. I feel like I can properly let go and move on.

"Jungkook? I'm sorry for being harsh but I needed to get my point across. Understand that where I am is where I want to be. The life that you dream about having isn't going to be with me. I found my home when I least expected it and in the strangest of ways but it's mine. You and I, we never had anything that was truly ours. It was borrowed time. You talk about what could've been ours but that could never happen. You never gave me anything back. No love, real affection, your time was time that you should've spent with the family you built. So you see nothing was ours."

"Why does it feel like you've got this all figured out?" His voice is raspy from crying. His eyes red, watery but no tears are shedding now. "Did we never have anything that was ours?"

"I don't have it all figured out. I just had so much time to think, I guess. I used to think of the 'what if's' and the 'could have been'. One day I realized what was ours was nothing but a fantasy. How could I say ours when I'm the only one that gave myself into a relationship that had no future?"

He nodded. He didn't mutter another word. Instead, he stared at the picture frames on his desk— portraits of his family. Perhaps, he's making his own conclusions. Maybe he'll come to his own understanding of it all. And hopefully, he'll understand why I moved on and why he needs to as well.

What was ours...it's only a distant memory.

January 1st, 2020
It feels almost final. I'm sure some of you are wondering what the future holds past this conversation. There will be another chapter and that will be last one for this story.

Happy New Year! 🎊🎆