What Was Ours

2C. Decisions

The night had been cold and lonely. Mostly, it was bitterly alone. I had woken up several times hoping to find hyung next to me. He never was. I wanted to search the house for any sign of him but it wouldn't have done me any good. He wasn't here, he made that clear last night. I was tempted to call him, to ask him to come back but I didn't. I was too afraid to be rejected. Was it too personal to ask him to come lay down with me? To ask for a hug? Some sort of caress? It probably was. Before I could receive those things without asking but now they're something of the past. I wasn't sure if it was his decision to stop or my unwillingness to maintain that level of intimacy. All I know is that I miss those days in his arms.

I don't think I can be in his arms without thinking he holds someone else. That he loves someone who isn't me. I hurt myself by thinking this way. I hurt myself worse by staying by his side. Last night, I made the decision. It wasn't the right one but I have no way out. Until, I can find my way out I'll stay. I'll, eventually, leave without looking back. That's what I should do, leave.

The morning sun shined brightly in this lonely room. The warmth should've been present but my cold body cried for warmth. I hesitated to get up from bed but I did. I took a shower and dressed warmly. It was summer but my body shivered. It was probably something psychological because I couldn't be sick. The doctor said I can even have children. How much more healthy could I be?

The moment the doctor told me about my possibilities of bearing children, I dreamed. An impossible dream of us together and having our own children. I hoped for a minute that we could have children together but then reality hit me. Then, I recalled that he had a family already. He didn't need me. That small dream, or hope died quickly. It didn't matter if I loved him because he didn't love me. He would never leave his family to be with me. If he hadn't done it by now, he would never do it.

The bedroom door opened up revealing Jungkook-hyung. I wished I was paying enough attention to my surroundings so I could pretend to be asleep or hide. I didn't want to see him. I'm embarrassed for he saw how vulnerable I was, how I reduced myself in his clutches. He saw me at my lowest. There would be no point lower in my life than that moment there.

I've suffered the worst of it, haven't I?

"I brought breakfast," he said. No good morning, how are you, did you sleep well...no consideration. Or he was sparing me from my own feelings. He didn't need me like a leech.

I didn't move an inch from the bed. I only stared unable to comprehend. I'm lost in a world far from here. A world where things were fair and full of love. There is no such world. This world has its hardships. We must learn to survive each challenge or die.

"Jin? You need to eat." He shook me. He pulled me up from bed. I followed him, willing my body to continue living. One man, one person, was all it took to take my will to live. How did I come to this?

We made it to the dining table where I sat. I didn't have the energy to eat. I was spent. I'm not sure how I managed to walk here.

"Jin, you have to eat."
He pushed the plate in front of me. I stared at it. It's as if I was trying to make it disappear from sight like many other things.

"We have to talk. I need to know what you're thinking," he said. He grabbed my chin to make me look at him. His face looked soft, worried. I wanted his feelings to be genuine. The problem is they were but not for the reasons I wanted.

"I, I don't want to." I wasn't sure if I was trying to say I couldn't continue this lie or I wasn't ready to talk.

"You don't want to? What is it you don't want? If you're with me, you don't have to worry about anything. I'll provide you with all the necessities, and more. All you have to do is be with me," he reminded me. He didn't show any emotions. He was trying to hide behind this façade of a strong-willed man.

"I know, but it's not just being with you. It's going against what I believe in...I would never want my husband to do that to me. And to be the lover...I hate myself." I ended up saying what I know, how I feel right now. I hate being in this position. I feel like I betrayed who I was, who I wanted to be. I couldn't look at myself without disdain.

"You have a choice." Jungkook said but it felt like empty words to me. Like he had forced himself to say it.

"Do I? Did I ever have a choice? Didn't you just play me until I had nowhere to go?" I looked at him wanting to know the truth. And I wasn't determined to get any answers or determined as I should be to walk out of here. Where was the me that survived alone all these years? Where was he? I need him.

"I know I did things the wrong way but I want you in my life. I have taken care of you and I'll continue to do that. I just have somewhere else to be. I have someone...I have a family at home. I know what I did was wrong but my desire was too strong."

No apology. Would there ever be? I need a real apology. Is it another thing I'll never get from him?

I didn't know what to say. It was clear that I didn't want to fight. I had no energy in me. I had nowhere to go. I had no family near by. My first college semester was almost over. My first year in college has been hectic. I had no money besides the one for school. I needed to continue school if I wanted to be someone. Should I stay?

Why am I lying to myself? I know there's no way out for me. Not if I want to continue school. Why act like I have a choice? That was taken from me.

"I want to be on birth control. I don't want you to stay beyond our nights together. You're not allowed to talk about home— your family. I don't want to hear it. It's like we're strangers."

This is for the best. These will help me not hurt too much. It will help me survive my time here. I plan to leave soon. I just need time to gather the money.

"Alright, it seems fair. I do have a condition too. I don't want you to work," he said. It's as if he read my mind. "I'll give you an allowance. It should be enough for food, books, clothes. I expect you to have nice things. It's not because I hate what you have but you deserve better. You've outgrown your clothes. We'll talk about it more in detail.

"I'll be paying for the apartment and it's utilities. Those will come straight to me. I'm not sure when I'll be able to come but I expect you to make time. I'll call or text you when I can."

We continued to talk about his expectations. If I was lucky enough I could still work and just call off when he wanted to come. Also, we agreed on the birth control. He had no reservations there. He'd take care of the medical bills. It hurt to know he didn't want any more children but I knew he meant with me.

He left as soon as his phone rang an alarm. He had work or maybe he had to be with his family. He probably lied to me about work when he was really with his family. The thing is I'll never be able to trust him again.

I had to take care of myself before I lose who I am. I already lost part of me and I didn't want to lose the essence of myself.

August 18, 2018
I know it's been like three weeks. I already started working on the next chapter. Hopefully, I'll finish it within a week.