What Was Ours

4h. What it is to be a father

"Hello," she said shyly. I can't comprehend her sudden shyness when we used to run around the backyard without any reservation. She was free, giggling, screaming at the top of her lungs, everything without a worry in the world. Jin must've tried to explain the situation to her, explain who I am, and why she's here to spend time with me. I don't know what was said but I hoped it didn't sway her opinion of me. I wanted her to remain that free spirited child with me "My papa said we were going on a playdate."

"Did he tell you who I am and why we're doing this?" I ask trying to coax a little more out of her. She was a chatterbox when her siblings were around and she'd included me in her talks. Today she's someone different but I have hopes to hear her call me papa, dad, daddy or whatever she wants. I just want to be recognized for who I am to her. It may take some time to get there but I'm willing to put the work in, gain her trust, her love, and affection because I know it'll be worth it. I want to prove Jin wrong, show him I'm willing to change for the better. That I can be a part of her life too.

"Papa Jiminie and papa Jin said you're my dad but I don't need anymore. I've got three. Why do I need another one? You have three babies! I'm my papa's little girl. I'm their princess and we'll have a prince too." She shows me with her fingers how many fathers she has and I'm not included there. She sets her hand down and looks at me attentively to try to straighten everything out. She looks as if she knew what she was talking about but it's not that simple. I don't think a child her age understands the complexity of it all.

"Jin and I are your birth parents which means that we are the ones who made you. We we're the ones who send a letter to the stork to give us a beautiful baby girl." I try to simplify a complicated situation. This has to be simple enough for a six year old, right? Because how else can I explain to a six year old that I'm her real father? Hell, how do you explain it to anyone? The truth is never easy but it's liberating. I messed up badly that I don't think she'll forgive me when she gets older and knows the whole story of how Jin and I met and how I let them go. How cruel I was to let my greed win over my love for her father.

"My papa Jinnie made me with lots of love, I know! He told me!" She gleems in excitement. "I don't remember you," she says as if she were present at the time we made her but I won't deny she was made with love. Every time I was with Jin, it was full of love. He took our intimacy as lovemaking— a love I didn't show him. Yet, it was the only time I felt love.

"You don't remember me because papa Jin and I had to go our separate ways for a while. During that time he had your papa Jiminie and papa Hyungie help him raise you. They did a good job because you're growing up to be a good girl. But, right now, we can finally be together and create wonderful and fun memories. We can make up for lost time and create memories. How does that sound?"

"I don't know." She's hesitant and I'm not sure why. It's probably her young mind trying to make sense of a complicated situation which she knows little about. A normal child doesn't have four fathers. Could I make myself welcome as they have? Can she find it in her to one day call me dad?

"How about we go eat while you think about it?" I stand up because my thighs are shaking from my time being squatted down at her level. It doesn't take long for her to say yes. I look around to see if he's still here. At an "appropriate" distance stands one of her fathers. It makes me uncomfortable because it feels like they're expecting me to mess up and because I can't spend time with Jin as well. Jin can't give me an hour alone with my daughter without me having to think twice about my actions. It would've been better if he was here, I could indulge in a scenario where I did the right thing and was able to obtain his forgiveness. One where we are a family doing normal things like family outings but that's not the case. I'm being watched by this man who has more history with my daughter and Jinnie. He knows them better than I do and I don't like it at all.

Our time together ended rather quickly. One hour turned into two until it was impossible to prolong my time with her. She had been hesitant at first but she slowly warmed up to me again. She referred to me as Mister Jeon and it's a painful reminder of years ago when Jinnie began to call me that. She won't be calling me dad anytime soon but the time will come when she will. I hope to live until that day comes.

By the end, she was "picked up" by Jimin who finally made himself present. Jisoo happily jumped into his arms as if she hadn't seen him in years. The smile on her face said volumes. That man was a man who provided comfort, love, protection, and more. It hurt me to know she saw all those things to someone unrelated, someone who's not. But I had to comprehend that I didn't have the years he spent with her, that I missed out all the little things that molded her. Jin took that opportunity away from me.

The drive home was quiet. There were no giggles, no screams, no pouts, she was just like Jin in many ways; the gestures—their way of being was so similar that it was uncanny. The only thing she had gotten from me was her dark hair and thin lips. Yet, she was the very image of Jinnie. It hurt to think she could've been more like me or the both of us if I had owned up to the responsibility of being her father but I didn't. Regrets are all I seem to have.

"Daddy!" My children greet me enthusiastically. In the end, I had them, I had seen them grow.nI can feel how strong they're becoming with every passing day. They grow up in height and as people right before my eyes but I can't say the same for Jisoo. I can look back at these three children and remember certain times or events in their life. Memories of the time when they were mere babies that needed all this love and attention, when they had their first steps, said their first words, and many other firsts. I'm fortunate to say I met her but I wanted to be there for her like I had been for her siblings.

"You had your dinner? Did your homework?" I look at each one. They all nod yes to both questions. "I guess, we have time to play a game before you have to get ready for bed." I see them run but in my mind there's Jisoo and Jin. I think of the life I missed out.

"Daddy! You won't find me!" I hear JinRyung scream. It's times like this that I have to remember that in many other ways I was lucky. I might've not been there for them but I was able to be there for these three. JinRyung needed me to stay. He and my girls needed me when their mom wasn't well. Therefore, I shouldn't wish for another life. Things happen for a reason and maybe one day I'll have an opportunity to make it right for Jin and Jisoo.

"Daddy!" Hani screamed. The little impatient child.

"Ten, nine, eight," I countdown to let them know I'm coming. I'll always be there for them but soon I hoped to be there for my second family. There will be a time when I can be with Jin and Jisoo freely but like all things it's only a matter of time.

August 26, 2019
Why do I come up with more story ideas? I'll never post/finish any at this rate 🥺