What Was Ours

3e. Guilty

"I don't know what else you want me to do. I told you from the beginning that you were making a mistake with that kid!" Yoongi hits his desk. He's going insane by my demands but he's not feeling what I'm feeling. He's not desperate to know where the light of his life has disappeared to.

The situation seems to have gotten out of hand. I'm not sure what I need to do, now. Was there other ways to search for him? It would be easier if I could use the Choi last name to get things done but it was impossible. I'm getting agitated, and anxious to know where Jinnie is at. My mood is not helping my already moody friend. He's frustrated with me but he's got to understand why I am demanding answers. I've lost my Jinnie and my child. I don't know where they are or how they are. Jinnie is alone in this big city. He's got no place to go and I'd be less worried if I knew he was swiping the card, then I'd know his whereabouts and that he may be alright but I know nothing. It's the worst feeling.

The feeling of uncertainty has made it almost impossible to concentrate on things that should matter. I should be worried about my job, my wife, and my kids but they come in second. When did he become my first? Jinnie was my light in the dark world I live in. I'd like to blame him for taking his light with him but I can only blame myself. He doesn't want to be a part of me or my life. It's hard seeing that I lost everything we ever had. It's hard to move on when I know I want him next to and be together. It's only a dream because I can't be with him the way I want. And it's because of me that we can't be together. I can't lose everything I worked so hard to achieve. I'm selfish and guilt is clouding my mind. I'm trying to make things right but he's not making this easy for me. My guilty conscious has me awake most nights, and I'm losing track of the days worried about him. All I know it's been days or maybe weeks in which I can't reach Jin. He's not answering my calls and he hasn't returned to the apartment. There's no way to track him down.

"You don't understand!" I scream back. "He could be hurt! I'm worried," I bite back.

It seems like I've tested the last of his patience because he makes his way over to me. He looks furious which shows in every inch of his body. He pushes me against the wall. He's gripping my collar tightly and it's painful. I'm out of breath but I won't back down.

"I understand that you were stupid enough to get involved with a kid. You kept shit from him and it's your fault all of this is happening. So, don't come in here and tell me what I'm doing wrong with my job. I'm fucking doing you a favor you ungrateful piece of shit. I could've reported this whole incident to Mister Choi. You're only trying to feel less guilty by helping the kid out. Isn't that right?"

I hate that he knows me too well. Yes, I admit that I'm trying to make myself feel better by trying to help Jinnie out but is it bad that I still want him beside me? I want to be able to know where he's at and with whom. Yoongi knows he's right when I can't say anything more. He's right and I'm not gonna deny that this guilt is eating me and digging at me.

"But you already know that. I'm not gonna go tell on you and make it easy for you to leave that family. Own up to your own mistakes and admit your wrongs. You're Jeon Jungkook the kid who came from nothing and you're not going to be with that kid. Now, you're going to keep your mouth shut and listen what I have to say. Got it?" In the end, there's a tone of compassion and pity in his words. He knows me better than I know myself.

For once, I'm not scared that he can read me so easily and I'm relieved for him being straightforward with me. I keep quite knowing very well that his next words could turn out to be comforting or at least advice me on the matter. I nod in agreement. Min Yoongi could be a scary guy when he wanted but he was also a very comprehensive guy when he wanted. All I asked was for him to try to understand that I'm deeply worried about Jinnie. My baby is out there and he could be suffering or worse dead. Death is the worst thing that could happen, for me. I'm afraid because Jinnie's too pure for this world. They could've tricked him easily. And I know it's hypocritical for me to think this way when I had done some deceiving things myself.

"Okay. We have to be patient. If he left town, we would've known by now. There's missing poster with his face in train stations, bus stations, and airports within a thirty mile radius. Every driver, every employee knows how he looks. No reports have gotten back to us so we're probably going to have to search this area. But we've got a problem. Your name can't be involved in this, it would help if we could. Unfortunately, we can't because that could tarnish your reputation." He lets go of me and steps back. He sits down on one of the desk chairs. He's thinking, I'm hoping he comes up with a faster solution or something that can locate Jinnie.

I try to relax by breathing in and out. I have been too tense these days. It's been hard on me. I'd been to harsh with him. The words I said had been too cold, and too cruel for someone like him. I should've worded it better, I should've not panicked, and there's a lot of things I should've done or said, but I can't take none of it back. My reactions had done more harm than good. My harsh exterior and words pushed him away from me. I shouldn't have been surprised when he wasn't home but there was hope he'd return. I didn't care if he came back because he had no place to go—I'd treat him better this time around.

"I don't understand why you're looking desperately for him, it makes no sense. He's nothing but a kid who ran away from you. You're better without him." He looks at me for some sort of response. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. He's right but it doesn't change anything.

"And you know it, right? Your ass is saved from being sued by your wife and her family, and taking everything you worked so hard for. What are you planning? Keep the kid in an empty apartment filled with hopes that one day you'll leave your family and make him your husband? I know that's not it. You wouldn't be that stupid to hope your family never figures out you bought and apartment for your lover? I'm really trying to understand your logic," he sighs. He's tired of my bullshit. Tired of covering my tracks and I know he's only helping me out because we're all we got. If I go down, he comes with me.

That's why the next words that come out of me are shocking, liberating but also hold a lot of unwanted weight in my complicated life. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never planned to feel this way about him, he wasn't supposed to mean this much to me. I have a family to take care of, and projects to worry about. Where does he fit in my already busy and hectic life? I don't know but all I know is...

"I love him."

January 21, 2019
You can thank @rheii_lei for the double update.

First time in a long time— JK POV 🤭