What Was Ours

2D. Self-doubt

Hyung and I were listening to all the birth control options. Here, I was with hyung going a step further. We were making this affair official. It has always been an affair but now I'm fully aware of our relationship label. Nothing more than lovers.

The doctor was recommending ones which would better suit us— our lifestyle. It was so much to take in. My head was jumbled up. I wasn't sure which was which. I didn't even know what to think of them either. All I'm thinking about is that I'm doing everything wrong.

After listening to all that overload of information, both, hyung and the doctor, expected me to know which I would prefer. They waited for my approval on one but I looked at Jungkook to make the decision. One look was enough for him to understand he had to decide. He began to ask some questions to the doctor. Meanwhile, I spaced out because I couldn't help but look at the doctor and everything around me. I saw my surroundings, wondering if I would have to come often. I didn't like the idea of coming more than I had to.

"Thank you, NamJoon-hyung," Jungkook said once he decided which one was best. I'm glad he made the decision because that took pressure away from me. It scared me to select one which would fail to protect me. Also, it petrified me that this was the doctor hyung wanted me to attend. This man was one of his friends. Doctor Kim knew who I was to hyung. He judged me. I just know he thinks the worst of me. It wasn't because he did or said anything in particular; but I would judge me, if I was seeing me as I am.

~*~

"You're quiet," hyung said.

We were sitting at a table outside the restaurant eating our food. I was still debating whether I should go back home or try and finish what I started. I had come here at such a young age to try to obtain a degree. I, along with my family, would be disappointed, if I came back empty handed.

"It's hard to see you, to be with you." I decided to say what was on my mind. "This isn't what I expected."

Somehow, I thought those dumb set of rules would provide some barrier—a wall—against the hurt. I find myself getting hurt, regardless of what I said. I don't like where I'm at. I hate that it has turned out this way. I hate my life.

"What did you expect? I'm being as involved as you want me to be. There's distance between us. You're the one giving me mixed signals here." He sighed. "It's like you want me to be here and the next to be far from you."

"I hate that I depend on you. I hate that you got me caged!" I burst. I calm down seeing there's people staring at us. "Can we just leave? Why are we pretending that we're okay eating together? Just take me back," I said taking my backpack and walking out of the restaurant.

I wait outside the establishment hoping that some miracle happens. That there is something that gives me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. The only thing I get is coffee spilled on my new shirt. There is no positive sign. Only hyung comes out and takes my hand to walk to the car. I let my hand slip away from his.

The car ride is as silent as the first one was but not as tense. At the end of it, I wouldn't give him a kiss running away. This time I would watch him leave me. I would know that he left to be with his wife and kids.

"Can I trust you to eat on your own?" He asked, as he stationed the car in front of our building.

I looked up at the tall building. I could barely see the top of it. I wondered if one day I'll be able to see the sky from this view. The answer is not likely. I would have to change my point of view before I can see the sky clearly. I needed to change my position to see the rays of light.

"Jin?"

"Yeah?" I had quickly forgotten why I was here.

"I know you're on the fence with this. I'm trying to take care of you but I don't know how to without hurting you. Regardless of what you think of me— I want to look after you. Please, eat and take care of yourself because I can't promise that I'll be able to be here everyday. I don't want you sick again," he said.

I understood that he needed me to take care of myself because he couldn't. He didn't have time to worry about me. I nodded avoiding looking at him. He didn't need to see the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Okay."

I was tired from this roller coasters emotions. I couldn't control them. I was running low on energy. All I want is to go to bed and never wake up. Never see the cruel reality that has become my life. A life I never wanted for myself.

I stepped out of the car before listening to a reply. I needed air. I needed to live. I needed so much but I don't know what I need the most. It's slowly tearing me apart.

When will this be over?

I step in the big apartment which is too much for just one person. Such a big world for someone who feels so little. I'm reminded that I'm like a caged bird with broken wings— unable to fly away. Unable to step outside these walls until I'm set free. Only, I know that he's not the only one not willing to let go—it's me. I'm imprisoned in my own sea of emotions. I won't live until I make this tempest in my heart and soul settle enough to calm the waters. Just long enough for me to swim ashore and live to see another day. To see the rainbow which is supposed to show after the storm. Can I keep trending these dangerous waters of my poor broken heart?

August 30, 2018
Sorry, I know it's a bit shorter than usual but I wanted to update.