What Was Ours

2E. Seeking for normality

It feels like I'm slowly coming to routine. My days are filled mostly with school work and my part-time job. Hyung isn't aware that I still work. It's my secret. He clearly said that he didn't want me to work but I have spare time. In my mind, I still think about leaving him but my resolve to do so has become null. It feels like I'll never make enough to become independent. Yet, I'm alone.

These days I hardly see him. It's as if he disappeared. I don't get messages like I used to. The first few days I waited for them but I came to terms that this was my new life with him. Things have changed between us. It has changed drastically from one day to another. There was no anticipation on how my heart would feel. The warnings were made but my heart was weary and stubborn. My heart couldn't take any more punches. It's as if he wasn't here to begin with. For all I know, he could've left me but my credit card continues to function with every use. I'm sure the day he no longer wants me I'll suffer the embarrassment of having it rejected and cut into tiny pieces in front of me.

I know I act like months have happened when in reality it has only been a short few weeks. He's only come to see me four times in which he comes and leaves as soon as he's done. It's like we no longer know each other. There's only a brief hello before we go to bed where the inevitable happens. That part of me which disgusts me. I no longer cry but the showers after it are longer. There's not enough soap to wash away my sins. I've also come to terms with that too—I'm a sinner.

I'm no longer that boy who dreamed carelessly. I've become a man aware of the realities that occur in this world. I had grown from this experience but I was still stupid enough to stay. There's no doubt in my mind that this is only a small part of the cruelty that goes on in this world.

In three weeks, I've managed to convince myself that this is the best way out— out of living in that small town where I came from. I coaxed myself out of bed on days where guilt was threatening to eat me up. Slowly, I'm starting to live among people. I'm trying to live as normal as possible.

There's no normal. No two people are the same but I don't want to be discovered. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be casted out as sinner, as someone who doesn't have a place in this world. As someone who was willing to take a man away from his family. I didn't want to be known as a dirty hidden secret.

"Hyung?" He shook me to draw my attention.

"Yeah? Sorry." I shake my head, trying to concentrate again on the project in hand.

"Are you okay, Jin-hyung?" He looked at me worried.

"I've got so much in my mind, Hoseok-ah. I'll try to concentrate better." I smiled. He smiled at me which made me smile sincerely.

Hobi, as I sometimes called him, was someone that genuinely was a good person. Hobi seamlessly became friends with everyone he met. He was someone who didn't have to try hard to appease people.

We continued to talk about the project in hand. I had to talk about it in order to avoid any more mindless thinking. Going through everything again and again didn't change my status. It didn't change that I still needed Jungkook-hyung for money. He's using me and I'm using him. It should make it even but it doesn't. It still feels like shit.

My mind comes back again when the door bell rings. I'm too distracted these days. This has to stop. I know it's taking so much from me. I need to concentrate on important matters.

"I'll get the door, Hobi," I said. I knew very well it could only be my grocery delivery. I grabbed some money and walked to the door. To my surprise it's hyung at the door. He's already stepped inside with the grocery delivery boy behind him.

Hyung doesn't hesitate to pay him and have him leave it in the kitchen. He closes the door once the boy steps out. I don't know how to greet him. I have a guest here and it's not something I want known.

"Hyung!" I squeak once he leans in to kiss me. I swerve him and hug him. "I didn't think you'd come. My schoolmate and I are doing homework," I state. It's enough for him to compose himself. I can tell he doesn't like the idea of me having someone else in here.

"SeokJinnie-hyung! Are you okay?" Hobi comes into the living room to see me. Bless the boy for being so caring. "Who's this?"

"This is Jungkook-hyung," I say. I'm not sure how else to introduce him. I can't be spilling around that he's my lover. "Hyung this is Hoseok-ah," I introduce them. It's awkward for me and I can tell their hesitancy, as well.

They shake hands. It's more because of Hoseok's effort than that of the grown man.

"SeokJinnie-hyung? I didn't know you had a brother." He smiles. There's nothing more than I can do but smile. If he only knew.

"I'm not his brother," Jungkook-Hyung corrects him. He takes me by the waist. He's so possessive. I want to cry due to embarrassment. "He's my boyfriend."

"Oh!" It's all I hear from Hoseok. His lips form the perfect "O". There's no way to explain myself.

I know if I move from hyung's arms it will only cause anger. These days have been testy for both of us. It's as if he fears I'll leave and I fear he'll do the same.

"Hyung? I've got a project. We're almost done with the first part. I'll be with you shortly," I say. Finally, I move from between his arms and take Hoseok with me to try and reschedule this project.

"I hope I didn't make your boyfriend mad. I feel like I've seen him somewhere." My heart drops at the last sentence. It's only a matter of time before he figures out I'm a freeloader, a person without morals.

"How about I call you tomorrow to reschedule?" He says as he packs his things.

"Yeah, and next time I'll have some snacks ready." I try to calm myself but I'm afraid I gave myself away because Hoseok-ah looks at me with pity.

"Yeah, no problem. Take care." He caresses my face before he leaves. I hear him bid adieu to hyung before the front door closes.

There's no way out is there? I'll constantly be reminded that I'm nothing more than this. People will find out and some will look at me like Hoseok-ah just did...

Worst of all I was treated like a prized possession. This is what my life has come to. I'm nothing but a mere doll to display. A trophy of some sorts. Things are just not looking up. I don't think they'll ever be.

Do things have to get worse before they get better?

October 18, 2018