Always is not. Every day is.

chapter 1

           

"Shut your f mouth. A single scream and I am gonna kill you, you flawed piece of slut." He said while covering my mouth with his other dirty hand sending tremor up my spine. Just like always I didn't dare to allow a single scream escape my mouth and instead obey him while he started slapping me on my face.Just like always I didn't dare to scream out all the pain that's trapped inside of me while he trace his cold fingers over my rosy cheeks. Just like always I didn't push my father-by-name away.Just like always I can't do a single thing to stop this dirty man. Just like always I am supposed to sacrifice my body for the sake of my mother. "God it feels so good, Opening my frustration through your rosy cheeks feels so good." He whispered obnoxiously. His words are the last thing I'd want to hear, his repulsive breath is the last thing I want to smell and feel. He is the last person I want to see, the last person I want to be with.

"Why the hell can't I have you all the time at my office because you're my anti depressants ?  "He said beating me hard with his leather belt.

Because God damn it I am your daughter and not a punch bag. How the hell can you compare the two different things?

"Believe me it feels like heaven to both of us,right?."He smirked.

You can only show me the pain that one experiences in hell and believe me you are just doing your best to make me feel like that.

He kept beating me with his leather belt . Until there is a knock.

Thank god.

"UGHHH!!!! SHE ONLY KNOW HOW TO RUIN A SITUATION. "he breath. "You stay in your room and just don't come out the whole night because your shit face is telling really easily that you just had a good dose of punishment . Why the hell don't you smile during all of this layken instead of crying the entire time" he said while wiping the tears off my face that always find their way out whether I allow it or not. I hate it when he say my name and hate it even more when he wipe the tears off my face when he is the only reason behind them.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

"WAIT I AM JUST COMING JULES." He screamed while pushing me hard against the floor. "Goodnight layken hope you have a great night after all of it. Sleep tight. Okay? And now I am gonna treat your mother. "And just like that he exit shutting the door. He is nowhere yet his smell is all what I have in my room. I grabbed the air freshener from the table and emptied half of the bottle. No I am not psycho. I just want to get rid of him if not for always then at least for tonight.I stepped inside my bathroom and allow the water to wash every traces that he left on my body. My throat is sore and my body is aching. I walked over to the mirror to look at the damage he brought to me. I didn't see anything outside except his print of the fingers by the side of my mouth and the tears that are still flowing like a stream leaving my eyes red and swollen. That's it. I don't see anything. However this isn't the same from inside. Only, only if this mirror could show the inside of me it would have cracked by now in millions of pieces seeing the disgust.

Just when I am trying to escape, this world isn't allowing me to or at least my father-by-name. All I can hear during my shower are the screams of my mother coming from next door.He likes or let's say loves leaving everyone sweaty and love filling his ears with those voices let it be of his daughter or of his wife. I quickly wrapped the towel over my body .shut my bathroom door because I can't bear the thought of him beating my mom just after five minutes or less than that when he seriously tortured his daughter. I found a pair of shorts and a tee and quickly wore them. He can walk into my room anytime, who knows? And with this thought I locked the door and threw myself on my comfy bed. Yeah that's the only comfortable thing in my life. I stared at the ceiling. And as much as I want to sleep I can't. He took my sleep from me. It isn't the first night that I am not having any sleep. I can't even remember the last time I slept more than three or four hours. I want to block everything but I can't. He is all over my mind occupying every possible space. His laughter echo in my ears. I can still feel him say "I love your rosy cheeks turning blue " "I want to beat you day and night" "I want you for breakfast and for the dinner"and all those things that completely ruin me. I wonder what will be my mother's reaction after she know that her husband is far less than that and more of a monster that only wants his daughter fearful and afraid of him.
I have to bear all this because I can't take the only happiness of my mother, her husband, even though he is a disgrace to humanity. I can't take away the only person that my mother have in this world except me. She is a babysitter and most of the time she is hell busy running here and there for her work and that's how my father-by-name steal the chances to abuse me. She is busy in her work not because she really need the money but because she love it. Money is not a matter of problem. We have everything a big house. I won't call it a home especially with my father-by –name living in it. We have two cars and enough money for our basic necessities including my university. But I wonder from where my father brings this much of money when he spends 20 hours at home or being free and spending time with his friends. I don't know from where all of the money comes. But am I anxious? Yes. Can I ask him? NO. Do I really want to ask him and get any closer to him by my will unless he force me to be around him and threaten me? HELL NO. What should I do about my anxiety then? Shut it forever.

I have everything yet I have nothing. I have no friends because I don't have the courage to trust anyone when my own father can be a shit. I have no boyfriend. Again the same reason behind that. And I think that I am really different from the majority of the people on this planet because I am not born. I am just created my Him after the sexual intercourse between my father and my mother who was slut. Yeah. She was, I will repeat WAS but after me coming in this world she changed for my sake. She changed but my father-by-name didn't. She became like a wife but he never changed.

My head is rested on my pillow that is now completely wet while I stare at the ceiling as if it's the map of my life and I am trying hard to look for green or blue places but all I find are those barren lands and deserts.my eyes are wide open with no hints of sleep as I keep thinking about the reason behind being in this universe. And do you know what my brain and my heart answers each time?

Here it goes.

To give the pleasure to your father, Mr. Dillon Shaw.