Always is not. Every day is.

chapter 5

But again, not every intention can be implemented. The same happens with me.

I walk back with the intention to end things and drop this world here without me, without layken in it.

I pick up the blade and bring it closer to my nerve, my heart beating wild inside my chest. Not because of the fear of dying but because of I-don't-know why reasons. I guess that's what happens in such cases. I don't know because I haven't experienced anything like such before.

With determination I bring the blade further close, which is now touching my skin and just with that slightest touch I feel an ocean of thoughts entering my mind making me confuse all over again.

Are you sure layken?

This, this life of yours will be gone for forever!

Are you too coward that you are taking this step?

It will be gone.

Etc. etc. etc.

I am still too perplexed, my mind is running over things that I don't know how to deal with, my brain is asking me questions whose answers are something that I just don't have, my senses are pushing me over this belief that this decision of mine is to stupid, too stupid for layken.

I am confused.

The blade is still touching that very nerve externally that with a slight scratch my life will be gone and I will lie here dead. Cold. Perhaps like a statue.

I try to gain the determination and press the blade lightly over my skin and just then, just then something made my belief stronger about what I am doing is wrong. Completely wrong. And this time I lose all the determination that I once gained

Ryle Kincaid's lyrics

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
that you're gonna make it through another night.
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
because you're not done.
You're far too young
and the best is yet to come.

So you're tired of living
Feel like you might give in
Well don't
It's not your time...

Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even if you have to
find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for yourself then those around who care like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue
beyond the gray sky...

Oh, my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh, my crazy baby
don't put out the light...

You need help
Look at yourself you need help
you need life
so don't hang yourself
It's OK OK OK OK...

Oh, I'm begging you, no
There's more life left to go
Oh, I'm begging you, please
Cause I, I don't want you to leave

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
you can make it out
you will live to tell...

But, I won't let you make the great escape,
I'm never gonna watch you checkin' out of this place
I'm not gonna lose you
'Cause the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
Gonna keep you alive someday

I try to ignore all of it but the words echo loud in my mind. Now I cannot hear my heart beating wild or my two phases arguing with one and other. I only hear the words, Ryle's songs playing over and over in my mind. Over and over. Over and over. And I get lost in them like always. Sinking and drowning deep down in them.

I drop the blade on the ground.

Yes I drop it down.

I look at myself in the mirror, look at the scars that I have given to myself. I look at the blood dropping down on the floor still. I look back in the mirror and I see that coward layken that I haven't seen ever.

"You are gonna make a difference,

I believe you will,

Because, I believe you." – Ryle

"You are not doing anything like such layken. Anything like such. You are gonna make a difference. You are going to look for the other ways to avoid the things you never wanted in your life. You are going to look for the solutions to your problems, yourself. You are going to resolve it and come out as a fresh piece with no expiration. You are going to make things happen the way you always wanted to be now. NOW. It's time to give a meaning to your life." I said to myself while staring the mirror looking intensely in my eyes.

I trace the scars, the bruises and the blood coming out of them. I walk to the sink of the washroom and wash away the blood. The other minute I grab the piece of cloth and wipe away all the blood that I wasted. While cleaning it I realize for how much blood I wasted. It takes me half an hour to wipe the floor.

After taking a shower and changing the clothes I lie on the bed and look at all those marks that I left on my body. I decide not to cover them with bandage even though the cuts are deep but the only reason is that it reminds me about my own mistake and motivates me to change my life every time I look at them. Because this isn't the life I deserve.

Just by looking at the scars I regret the past hours of my life.

But that regret brings positivity in me.

I have to change myself and my life.

I have to change things.

It won't go like this.

I am supposed to make a difference.

Because I am supposed to believe myself.

And that's what I am going to do.

I will believe myself for the rest of my life.

With this I closed my eyes half smiling for no reason. Maybe, just maybe I really think that I can make a difference.

Layken will believe herself till the day she die.