Always is not. Every day is.

chapter 10

I open my eyes a bit to see the atmosphere around. It is 3 am and nothing but darkness loom me. Darkness that covers my soul from pit to pole. The dimness that runs in my blood and is pump through my heart. The obscurity that refuses a vivid morning. I turn my head a bit. Allon is sleeping peacefully. She look even more endearing with those heavy eyelids covering the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Although since birth I've been praised for the exquisiteness of my eyes. But they aren't striking. They have seen abhorrence. They have experienced impurity in the purest form of relationships. These pair of eyes has experienced the darkest spare of night and still they call such eyes attractive? All I know is I will be the last person to praise anything about my own self. There is nothing beautiful. Nothing worthy in a slut like me to be extol about. I close my eyes shut again and try breathing normally. I know if I will open my eyes again I won't be able to stop these tears. They'll blemish everything. From my flushed cheeks to the white tank top I am wearing and all the way down the bed sheet. But moreover they'll stain my promise to Allon that from now on I won't snivel myself to sleep.

I push back the gulp of tears forming inside my throat and try opening my eyes again. The vision is less haze. So going through a life like this you at least learn how to control your tears .Or how to push them back real quick. So to all of you out there sympathetic for my sordid life it isn't that dire. It is kinda give and take phenomena. You give your inner splendour. The transparency of your soul. Your virginity and you learn how to fight back your tears. Fair right? Well at least for me it was all fair and that's why here when I've fugitive all this, my heart isn't at respite. Still I cannot find harmony. I can't see myself flying in the auroral clouds. Neither is there any tenderness in this blanket. This pillow may be supple for Allon but I feel as if I am lying on thorns. Maybe because I am so used to his filth before sleeping every night that now even wrapped in this girl's arms I cannot find reconciliation. It isn't meant for a psyche like me.

With all these thoughts I open my eyes again and slip out of Allon's comfy blanket. I gently unwrap myself from her grip. Even If I would get a thousand lives to bestow my existence and thank this little girl out here for everything she's done for me, I know for sure that I'll fall short. I can never thank her enough. Maybe she doesn't even necessitate one.

I close my eyes again and try composing my shattered soul. I slid my phone from the side table and glance at the lock screen .In this era where girls manage to have eye captivating stuff on their lock screens, mine's kinda different. It isn't colourful. It is dark and bleak. Maybe a bit lesser than my soul. There is nothing colourful or captivating .All black as if showing the impurity of my soul with just these words written on it with a colour my eyes are very fond to .Yes with a shade of red that is much similar to the blood that heaps out of every new scar my body experiences. So whenever I pick up my phone these words always shine so bright. These words give me an unrevealing sort of riddance. All black and shining in blood red pigment these words are

HER HEART IS UNRUDDERED IN A DEMORALIZING STROM

BUT SHE HAS KEPT THE WALLS TOO SKY-CRAPING

My eyes lose its focus from the blood red words for the tiniest part of a second. There is something more unusual on the screen .Something so disquieting. Something so demoralizing that all of a sudden my eyes became too weak to even take a 360 glance. Maybe too weak to even blink. There is something smirking in this blackout. This something I wish I didn't notice. This something that is the bitterest reality of my existence. This something that is a reality I can never flee, a reality nobody can escape.

For all out here wondering what the hell did I see on my lock screen that made me this stumpy? When a few minutes ago only I said there is nothing on my lock screen except these words printed in blood red tincture. So yes sorry I just forgot that this is my life. Layken's life. It can't be the way I want it to be. It can never be one because I don't want it. I don't fancy life anymore. It has gone long ago. I am just breathing till death welcomes me. And a girl who's just breathing cannot fancy life for sure. Oh yes I forgot telling you what is this I am staring at with tears all over my face. I am staring at today's date. Trust me I would have removed my glance but this date is smirking. Smirking quite evilly. So yes today is my day. The day body came into existence. The day their gaffe turned into lament. The day he got a new slut. The day a soul was thrown from paradise to a hell. The day that is black and will always be black. The day that marks my smudgy past. So yes today is this day that I have been experiencing since the last 17 years of my life. Still I feel no affection towards this day. I can never feel any.