Always is not. Every day is.

chapter 4

I get up and stare my reflected image in the mirror. This time I see something different besides a masked layken.

This time I see the real layken looking straight, deep into my eyes. I see that ruined layken who has no purpose to be in this universe where she landed as a result of the mistake without anyone's will. The real layken who suffer always. Who compromises for the sake of her mother knowing this fact that she just doesn't have any more potential to go through further afflictions. The one who just can't tolerate the torture on the daily basis.

The one who wants to float and flow with the tides but can't help herself as she is pushed deep inside. The one who wants to see all the possible and impossible dreams but all she see are the nightmares. The one who wants to explore the colors of her life but all she see is the darkness with no light to illuminate the dullness she has to face every time, every single day. She wants to fly but her insides are not hollow enough to keep her up all time or for anytime and so she crashes to the ground. Broken. Bruised. Injured.

But is there any solution to that?

Any solution to put an end to this worse life that one never wishes to get.

I am still looking at the reflected image as all the thoughts rushes in my mind. I look at that body which doesn't belong to me. Which isn't the real body I was born with but the body which has been a result of the tenderness of my father-by-name.

It's enough.

Just then my eyes land on that one thing which can help me out in this worst situation. The blade that's lying on the table unaware of the fact of its usefulness. Unaware of the fact that how can it simply help a hopeless girl in the best manner.

Without hesitation I pick up the blade and right then the battle between the two phases of me starts.

"Going through all the pain and dying every single day mentally doesn't mean to put an end to your life that has been given to you" the first side screams.

"Dying completely at one time is far way more better than dying every day and going through the pain all over again and again" the other side argues.

"You can't just do this and give a prove to this world that you are too weak to tackle the situation any other way."

"We came here in this world to live for ourselves and not to set or erase proves for the world to deal with." The other replies

"There can be other way around to overcome all this shit inside instead of taking the most erroneous decision of your life. You have one life to live. That's it. If it's gone then it is gone"

"Well I don't see any other way and this isn't the life we deserve. We deserve things better than this. We have to let go of that one life that isn't meant for us."

The argument and the contention continue between the two unless one becomes dominant over the other recessive.

The part of me convincing to end my life wins and then I slide that blade over my hand that pierces my skin.

It might look like it will bring pain but then I am not naive to this word,

I keep pushing the blade inside my skin feeling the trembles of my flesh inside as the stream of blood starts flowing out dropping on the floor beneath. My blood is red just like everyone else but I see disgust in it.

I keep pushing it deep inside scratching, my hand, my legs, my stomach, my foot and every other part of me wherever I can reach trying to find that one nerve. And then I move to my wrist finding the right vein. But before I take an action I decide to leave something back for my mother. I owe her that much at least.

The blood is still flowing and my floor is now all covered in blood. But that doesn't bother me. I reach to my study table. Take a pen and a piece of paper and manage to write my last word before I depart.

Mom,

You think that life is just calm and going where things blossom and bloom. You see that smile on my face and I know that your inside melt. You hear the voice of my laughter and you think that you are just too lucky to have me. I know because it's clearly visible. You love me more than anything else and I love you for that. But you can't see the real me because I don't let you see that part of me. I am too scared to be transparent and steal your happiness and contentment and leave you broken and I just can't do that. But now as I have decided to go away I want you to know the reality. I can't bear this thought of you living with someone who doesn't even deserve you a bit, ever. You deserve so much better and your daughter, I, also deserve so much then a man who always mean a father-by-name to me and nothing more than that. Who fuck me in your absence. Make me scream his name. Who took my virginity, my believe, my trust, my faith and everything that one needs to live and not survive. And now I am all empty. You say that I don't make friends and don't go out with boys like other girls of my age so the reason behind is your husband. He left me with nothing. One second he is with you on your bed and the other second he crawls to me to fuck me up. He left me empty leaving me capable of nothing. He doesn't accept you more than a whore, mom and thinks the same way about me too. He think of himself lucky to have two sluts who can fill his desire of sex. That's it. He only needs the pleasure and he can do anything to get that. And so he did everything to get that from me. And I feel disgusted by this fact. I can't have him trace my naked skin and push deep inside me anymore mom. I cannot do that. I cannot compromise anything anymore. That's the end. I hope that you understand the reason behind me quitting this life that doesn't deserve to be called as a life. I want you to make decision for yourself mom and leave that bastard. You deserve love despite all your past and I want you to do everything to get that. Don't live a single second with that monster who ruined you and your daughter completely. I had my life till here and now I am leaving to another world that will be different from here. I love you mom and all those days that I spent with you. We will meet in another world free of him.

Love you.

Your world, layken.

I complete my note that is half covered with blood coming out from my deep cuts and then slide it inside the drawer.

I walk back to the blade with the complete freedom to end this mess.

I walk back with an intention to depart and leave this world without layken.