Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 6: praise

"Nathan," my dad said. I snapped my head in his direction, though I felt like jumping out of my chair with how badly he'd scared me. As I listened to him talk, I shuffled the schedules and charts that I was filling out for the day into a neat pile, and swiftly tucked it beneath my school notebook. "Sorry bud, didn't mean to scare ya there. I just came to say that dinner's ready, so come down when you're done." 

I nodded and waited for him to leave, then brought the papers back out and scribbled the rest in before tucking it away in its respective folder. Having an organized folder for a voluntary hobby would have seemed out of character for me just a few months ago. But with a routine being implemented into my day-to-day life by my own freewill--and not from some outside source thrusting it upon me like school or a job--I began to take a liking to having a little bit of structure in my life. I was a little hesitant to put my new way of living on display, however. I wasn't ashamed of it, I just didn't want anyone to think I was getting obsessive about getting gains. 

And it's not like all of my hard work was in vain. 

I pushed the door shut and opened the one to my closet, turned on my phone's camera, removed my shirt, and took a photo. I didn't want my stomach to be stuffed when marking my progress, so it was best to take a picture before dinner. I did myself a one-over before closing the closet again. 

Oh yeah, it's definitely paying off. 

And it wasn't just me who saw it. Over the past few weeks leading up to that point, I'd been getting compliments left and right.

I skipped downstairs to the dinning room, and after a day spent at the gym, I was ready to stuff my face with whatever my mom made. Well, almost anything. If she'd made clam chowder again, I'd probably ask to skip out on this one and make myself a sandwich. 

Luckily for me, it wasn't clam chowder. 

Jamie's face contorted the second he laid eyes on me. "Coming down to fish for compliments, I see." 

I looked down at myself, just now realizing that I was still shirtless. Well shit. "I can't help it if you feel threatened by the sight of me shirtless, Jamie." 

I smirked, and he rolled his eyes.

"Really, sweety, why are you shirtless?" my mom asked.

What could I say? Because I was taking my weekly photo to mark my progress? That just sounded way to awkward, and even more self-obsessive. So I just shrugged and went with the first excuse that came to mind. "It's warm in my room."

I silently thanked God that it was nearing the summer, making that a fair reason. But I also silently prayed that my dad wouldn't question why I had my shirt on when he saw me just minutes before I came down.

Let me tell you, God is real.

My father listened silently as my mom began talking about how we need to enjoy the spring weather while it lasts, or something. He didn't utter a word of questioning toward me besides the simple ones that came and went with the conversation.

The conversation somehow came full circle back to me, and my dad was given the platform to say something. But this wasn't a question, rather, a statement. And this statement was one I liked.

"I think that gym membership has been put to good use, huh?" he said, nodding his head to me. "I wasn't sure you'd follow through with your word, but you proved me more than a little wrong." 

I didn't try to fight the smile that made its way onto my face. "So does that mean that...I don't have to pay for part of my membership?" 

He looked to my mother for her approval before turning to me again, my gaze burning through him with anticipation. "Sure, we'll pay for it." 

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I yelped before he could finish his sentence. 

"But if we see you slacking off, we aren't going to keep paying for it," he informed me. "We aren't going to pay for a luxury you don't use." 

"I won't," I assured them. 

And I wouldn't. I would make sure of it. And those efforts would end up steering me in the opposite direction. It would end up driving me headfirst into a more dangerous, toxic place than slacking off on a workout ever could. 

~

I hate to admit it, but I'm a severely vain person. I love receiving compliments, and get a thrill when people look at me in awe or admiration. It's a peculiar trait to have when you're a more easygoing, reserved person. Maybe being so frequently in my own mind is what makes me so vain. Think about it: if the person you spend the most time with is yourself, how could you not be somewhat self centered? 

 But my buried vanity wasn't something that other's saw. I saw it as a flaw, and because I was so vain, I didn't want my flaws on display for everyone to see. Since nobody saw it, they didn't see how much their compliments went to my head. And because they went to my head with no one to keep me in check, they became food to my harmful train of thought. 

With those simple ingredients mixed into my mind that was slowly growing all the more toxic, my ego became a recipe for a poisonous disaster. 

But nobody knew that when they complimented my progress. Hell, I didn't even know it. I thought I was just having my confidence boost. As it turns out, I was only feeding the notion in my mind that my self-worth came from my looks. 

Every compliment only reiterated it. 

Every "You're getting really strong." 

Every "Keep up the good work." 

Every "Nice abs." 

Every "You're making progress." 

They were all snapshots to the collage of my journey. My torturous, lonely journey. 

~

A/N 

Hey guys. I wasn't planning on doing any author's notes on this book, but I don't want you to feel like I'm simply slacking off on this book when I abandon it for almost two weeks. I've been going through a little bit of a rough patch the past few weeks, with my depression trying to surface again. But do not worry, I've learned how to cope, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I've been able to be pulled out, and it hasn't affected my life in a vast measure. I was just mostly uninspired and in my head. But I have a community of people in my life now who are involved, and they make sure that if you need someone to talk and pray with, they will be there. 

What are some struggles that you've had that you've managed to break free from, or at the very least, not let control your life and learned to live with? Feel free to share. I'm happy for you, whoever you are, and whatever it is. :) <3

Love y'all.

--Trin