Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 55: skeletons and mirrors

The weather was warm in mid April, and was only going to get warmer. I, however, was determined to wear long sleeves for the rest of the year if I could. Fate would have it that I'd succumb to the heat and expose my arms up to the elbow, but for now, I was too ashamed of my arms to do that just yet. 

Sitting alone in my room all weekend was more than enough to push old habits back into my life. 

Who am I kidding, most of them never stopped at all. It was only the things everyone saw as being "dangerous" or "toxic" that I was forced to give up. Everything else sort of fell back into place within the first two weeks of getting home. One of those habits which was taken away was measuring myself with a tape measure. But I had my ways to work around it. 

Suddenly, a lack of tape measure was less of a concern than making this voice in my head stop screaming at me. So, I measure my wrist with a dollar bill. It's simple, I look up how long a single bill is, and as long as my wrist is too big to wrap it around, I feel better. How about my calves? I just wrap two hands around them, and as long as my fingers don't overlap, I'm okay. 

Funny how smart my D average mind became when something I wanted was on the line. 

Another habit that quickly found its way back into my life was picture taking. No, I don't mean photography, unfortunately. I mean stripping off my shirt, standing in front of the mirror, and taking a picture that I would end up almost crying over. Each time, I looked as horrible and ugly as I remembered. 

I look just as horrible as I did last year, I thought. I bet there's no difference between last year's photo and how I look now. 

So I began scrolling through my phone's gallery. It was littered with almost all pictures of myself over the past year. Oh, my torturous vanity. A love-hate dynamic. But as I scrolled further and further into the months, something made me do a double take. I scrolled back a little ways before continuing, this time more slowly. 

This has got to be my imagination. Seriously. 

But it wasn't; it was only reality seeping in. As I scrolled down, I could see myself getting smaller, thinner, skinnier, when I scrolled up to the most recent pictures, I saw myself bulking up, little by little. I could spot the peak I hit right before I became injured, and only then did it go downhill. 

My mouth sat agape. I had no idea what to think, and quite honestly, was questioning whether or not what I was seeing was real. 

It should have been relieving, right? I should have been happy that I actually did make all that progress, and it wasn't all in vain--even if I did lose it in the end. 

But I wasn't relieved, and I still wasn't happy. If anything at all, I was confused. Everything I convinced myself of the past months, I wasn't working hard enough, that I was still an ugly pile of sticks and twigs, turned out to be...not true. 

Mixed emotions ran through my veins. I wasn't sure if I wanted to scream, or cry, or laugh, or just keep staring in awe while scrolling back and forth over and over again. 

It was in this subtle moment of epiphany that a switch went off in my head, and it finally clicked. I knew that I wasn't okay, but it was in this moment that I knew what was actually wrong with me. 

All those times that everyone was frustrated with me...it was all because I couldn't see what they were seeing. It was the same reason I was angry when they couldn't see me the way I saw myself. 

Maybe the way I've been seeing myself was actually...really wrong?

I wasn't sure what to think, and for the most part I didn't. At least I might as well not have. For the most part, the only thoughts running through my head were blunt, blurry, overwhelming, and confusing, all at the same time. 

At some point I'd put my phone down, and was quickly swept away in a stream of thoughts. I stared out the window at the spring blossoms growing on the trees. Like the tulips in the neighbor's garden, my eyes were opening. Like the water settling in the ground after the morning showers, I was soaking in the truths. The same truths I'd managed to avoid facing for so long with excuses and odd rationalizations, were now being exposed in the sunlight. 

Because spring was finally here, and with it comes growth. With it comes the sunshine, shining over all you wanted to hide. All those skeletons in your closet were now being shined on by the spring sun. 

It's time to face the skeleton I see standing in my closet. 

Bringing my eyes back into focus, I made a beeline for my closet door, opened it, and looked at the mirror. My skeleton was a reflection. The bones I've been seeing were only my imaginings. I flashed the mirror a look of apology, knowing full well what I was planning on doing. 

Mustering all the strength I had in me, I yanked the mirror from the adhesive tapes on the inside of the door, walked with it in my hands downstairs, through the front door, and right past the questioning looks from my parents. I dropped it on the grass before heading back inside to grab one more thing. 

Jamie had left his room to see what my parents were asking confused questions about, and just in time to see me grab our emergency bat we kept in the coat closet. It's meant for the scenario that someone breaks in, but I had other plans for it today. I said nothing to answer my family's questions, simply walked back outside, stopping only when I got to the mirror. 

Looking down, I spared it one last glance before raising the bat over my shoulder, and giving it one good swing. My shoulder stung, but the sound of metal shattering glass made it feel minuscule in the grand scheme of things. So I sucked a breath and took another swing, and another, and another. Eventually I grew tired of the bat, and let it lie with the strewn pieces of glass. 

But I wasn't done quite yet. 

I started snapping the frame, throwing the large chunks down into tiny shatters, kicking, hitting, throwing them. I probably started cursing it out at some point. I wanted this thing gone. I wanted it out of my life. 

Finally, in the midst of my fit of rage, I heaved in a few deep breaths. I wiped the snot and tears dripping down my face. 

How long have I been crying? 

Taking another freeing breath, that feeling on weight on my shoulders somehow alleviated, I peered up at the sky, squinty eyes landing on the shining sun. 

Maybe...it's going to be okay. 

Maybe I'm going to be okay. 

"Nathan, sweety? Are you okay?" a confused mom stood in the doorway, dad behind her, and Jamie not-so-subtly watching me through the window. 

"Yeah," I said. 

"What are you doing?"

I looked at the remains of what was once a mirror, then back at her again. "Catharsis, or some shit." 

~

Hey there. Long time no see, huh?
(You can skip this next little section. I'm basically ranting, hoping that I'm also giving clarity.)

Let me be honest here: the month of May was rough. I'm talking changes at work that have affected me, pastor announcing he can't afford to be both a pastor and work at the same time. His wife was working three jobs to keep the church going, but they just weren't bringing in enough money. It was more than just that, but I know they've been without pay since last year. My grandparents, aunts, uncle, and cousins are all leaving state most likely, and I've never lived away from them. Then I got sick last week, and I'm getting ready for a trip I have coming up, and I'm studying to take my GED. In other words, it's been crazy.
I've been unmotivated with writing and yeah. Sorry.

I don't have a teaser, but hope that I can make better material than this.

Thank you all so much for your continued support. I love you all so much.