Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 26: all things lost

"Oh! Look what comes out next week!" Chelsea said, pointing to the framed poster on the movie theater wall. I smiled, glad that she was unaffected by my showing up late. She liked previews, I knew that. They got her excited for more movies, and as she said, "more dates in the future." She had no idea how reassuring it was to hear that, to know that she saw a future in our relationship, and had no intentions of leaving anytime soon. 

It was also reassuring to know that she wasn't mad about missing the first few previews, and if she was, she was really good at hiding it. But even though she wasn't mad at me, I was mad at myself. The least I could do was show up on time to a date I asked her on, and I couldn't even manage to do that. I was too caught up in double checking my hair over and over again that I'd lost track of time. I couldn't tell her I why was late when I picked her up, I just couldn't! So I had the audacity to give the most cliche excuse in the book. Traffic. 

Oh yeah, because there's lots of traffic on these suburban roads. 

I gave her hand a squeeze as we entered the dark room, finding our seats in the dim light. We settled into our seats, nestled together as close as we could over the seat divider, and relaxed as the movie began to play. 

At one point during the movie, I lost focus on the screen in front of me and looked over at the beautiful girl beside me. Her curls lie astray on my shoulder as she clung to my arm, holding on as though letting go would mean the end of something amazing. We stayed like that for a while, my eyes occasionally flickering to the screen for a moment or two, but focused on her for the most part. I rubbed circles on her hand. 

She's so amazing, I smiled to myself.

That smile didn't last long. 

I don't deserve her. She deserves someone better, someone nicer. She deserves someone who can be there for her, someone who can be strong for her when she can't. Not just physically strong, but emotionally; and I'm...I'm just weak in every way. 

Something sunk inside my chest, and something else replaced it. Whether it was sorrow, sadness, guilt, fear, or all of them, I don't know. All I know is that I had trouble focusing on the rest of the film, and even more trouble discussing it afterward with Chelsea. All I could think about was her, and when she would eventually give up and leave me. 

Oh Chelsea...what ever happened to you being the one who took away my fears? 

~

Most of fall passed in a blur. All the time I didn't spend doing the things I wanted to focus on, I mostly spent in my mind. It was hard to focus on school when I had my mind on other things. As one would expect to see happening when you can't keep your attention on the teacher for long, my grades dropped. 

For two months, I managed to hold a facade of being involved with my friends, participating in school, and having a hobby outside of muscle building. I kept as much of a distance from my friends as possible. Most of them pulled away a little. The texts and calls became more and more infrequent, until eventually, Garret was the only one who texted on a regular basis (if you can even call it that), and Henry would talk to me outside of school maybe twice a month at best. 

The only person I kept in constant contact with was Chelsea...but we'll get to her later. 

Some nights I would stir beneath my covers grasping for sleep, but kept awake with the thoughts and hurt of knowing that they'd basically given up on me. 

As much as it hurt, I reminded myself that it was for the better. 

I'm barely there when I'm with them. They all notice it. So why should I expect them not to give up on someone so stuck in their head--someone who never bothers to say hi first? 

But it still hurt to see your old friends drifting away, and knowing that you have no reason to blame them, because you made absolutely no effort to reach out to them. It hurts, because it's nobody's fault but your own. It's your own fault, and there's nothing, not a single thing, that you can do to reverse it. 

If you somehow by the grace of God find a way to make amends, it almost never goes back to the way things were before you drifted apart. You've both changed, and reconciliation is like meeting them all over again, but with the looming fact that you were once so much more than strangers. 

~

Thanksgiving break came and went, filled with the horror of excessive carbs and far too many sugars. I had everyone convinced that I was obsessed with my aunt's turkey. In reality, I deliberately filled up on meats to get as much protein as possible, and to have an excuse to skip dessert. The poor woman was so flattered by all my compliments and extra servings, but honestly, it was nothing but a decent turkey; nothing special. But I couldn't risk eating too much sugar.

This was my life. Nearly every part of it being dictated by my insecurities. Those very few parts of my life that weren't controlled by this small part of me were still clouded by the looming sounds of the demeaning voice in my head.

The people around me may not have been completely aware of what was going on inside my head, but they weren't immune to my obsessions. I was constantly asking Chelsea if she thought my legs were too small, or asking Jamie if he thought I'd gotten smaller. Mom couldn't tell you how many times I'd asked her if my acne was noticeable, or if my hair was messed up, or really any other minuscule, minor detail that I believed affected my entire complexion.

If I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't going to be the person who would settle for less. I couldn't even if I wanted to; I was too far into this. It had become my identity. Once again, I know how narcissistic I was. I was self-centered and I know it. 

I can't begin to explain how horrifying it is to look back on that person I once was. To know how many relationships I destroyed in the grips of self-obsession, how many opportunities I turned down in the name of vanity, how many experiences I missed out on for fear of showing my insecurities. But I had no other choice. I didn't dare disobey that voice in my head. For one, it was hard to pick it apart from my own, and for two, I tried. Believe me, I tried. 

Maybe we're not meant to always succeed.

~

I know, this chapter was a little sad. But drifting away from friends is something we can all relate to, and maybe you've also mourned the loss of friendships you neglected, or didn't properly nurture.

Trust me when I say that you're going to want to read the next chapter. And you'll also want to read it with the song playing that's attached to that chapter.

Question of the day: who would you imagine playing Nate? Is there an actor, singer, youtuber, some famous person you could imagine depicting him?