Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 19: grocery list

I searched through every pocket of my wallet and twice through. Fun fact: checking for money over and over again in the same place and expecting to see something there is like repeatedly opening the fridge and expecting to see something you like. It only leaves you disappointed and asking yourself what you're doing. No matter how many times you look in the same three places, nothing will change unless you change it.

With a frustrated groan, I shoved worn out material in my pocket. Lately, the smallest things will push me over the edge. I knew why, but poor Jamie did not. So to him, I was just more posses off by his little antics than usual. Same goes for Haley, who grew to expect my impatient banging on the bathroom door in the morning.

But this...this was something I could not deal with. I had to buy my protein powder, and wanted to add some more supplements to my grocery list.

Guess I'll have to ask the neighbors if I can mow their lawns.

I let out a deep, long sigh and collapsed onto my bed. I was mentally drained after dealing with so much anxiety yesterday, and going to the gym that morning on top of it all had me wanting to stay in that same spot all day. I glanced at the digital clock perched on my bed. It was only me and Haley home as the moment. Jamie, mom, and dad weren't supposed to be home until around 2:00, so I had at least an hour of being unbothered.

My gaze drifted across the room, and settled on the closet door. I found myself mindlessly walking toward it, opening it wide, and staring at the boy in the reflection. The skinny in the mirror.

I hated him.

I just sorta stood there for a moment, staring, scanning my clothed body up and down. Finally, I took my shirt and pants off, hesitated, but eventually stepped closer. I was afraid to get too close, afraid to see my flaws up close and personal, afraid to see the little details I didn't like and usually didn't see unless I stared long enough.

You know how if you say a word enough times in a row, it starts to sound weird and unnatural? That is what was happening between me and my body.

I stared at it long and hard, and the more I looked, the more unnatural, the more awkward, the more ugly and uncomfortable it looked and felt. The longer I stared, the more I hated what I saw. The more I hated what I saw, the more disgusted I became with myself.

I hated it. I hated what I was doing. But I knew I would hate myself with a passion if I didn't look for my flaws and find a way to fix them.

I pressed my fingers in every dip and crease visible and in reach. I turned around and stared at the acne on my back. It was getting bad, and I knew exactly why.

For a split second I questioned if these side effects were really worth the gains I got from the steroids. As quickly as the thought came, it was stopped by a louder voice in my head. It was aggressive. It was blunt. And it demanded that I didn't think that. It shamed me for even letting such a thought cross my mind.

It was almost like hearing another person talking to me than listening to my own conscience. I was half-tempted to look around the room for where it came from.

Am I getting thinner? Has my progress stalled?

I was ready to go to the bathroom and get the scale out when I heard actual voices downstairs.

They can't be home already! It's only... I looked at the clock again. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head. 2:26?! That has to be wrong! I couldn't have been here for the last hour. Right?

I shook my head in disbelief.

But I didn't have time to wonder how the time had slipped past me. I was too busy throwing my clothes back on and shutting the closet door.

I lie back on my bed, phone in hand, and no sooner than when I got into that position did mom just so happen to walk in. I beat her by a hair.

"Hey, bud," she smiled warmly. I returned the smile, hoping it didn't waver when I saw a missed call from Garret. It must have been on silent. "Guess what we got for dinner?"

That had my ears perking up. "What?"

"One of your favorites: lasagna."

Oh great. So many carbs, not nearly enough protein. Guess I'll have to drink an extra protein shake to compensate.

I hated those days when I'd have to drink extra for compensation. But what else could I do? Risk losing energy the next day? Get sore muscles because I didn't get enough nutrients to repair and grow muscle? "With meat and cheese?"

"Of course." She smiled, shaking her head to herself. "You and your meat. You're such a teenage boy."

I plastered the most polite smile onto my face. "Is that all?" I said, because she was still in the doorway, looking at me expectantly.

"We just went grocery shopping. You didn't. Guess who's un-bagging them?"

~

I looked around the dimly room, nothing to guide me but the stove light. This was very risky business. Haley's room was the basement, which meant enough loud creaks in the floorboards could wake her up, and if that happened and I was caught, I was a dead man. Realistically speaking, my heartbeat would probably wake her up. And it's not because she's a heavy sleeper. At the moment, my heartbeat was just that loud. I wouldn't have been surprised if it woke sleeping giants from their thousand-year slumber.

You never realize just how heavy you are on your feet until you're sneaking around. As I slowly crept toward the front door, I couldn't help but be weighed down by guilt for what I was doing.

I stopped at the key rack, looked atop it, and my guilt was overshadowed by focus. I snatched the leather wallet from the shelf, opened it up, and grabbed a handful of bills. A simple task, but hard to do when your hands are trembling. I squinted at the money in my hands, trying to read what they were in the residue light that fizzled out of the kitchen.

I got a little more than I estimated I need. If I had some leftover after, I'd save that for the next time.

My heart pounded in my chest the moment I closed the door behind me. Guilt and relief were equally pumping through my body.

The only other time I'd stolen money from my parents before that was when I was 9. I stole an extra quarter from mom's purse to use the 75 cent vending machine to get one of the cool toys. My quarter got jammed, and I got caught. But this...this was different. This was so much bigger. But I felt I'd had no other choice. I needed those supplements and protein powders, and I needed them as soon as I could get them.

The longer I waited to obey, the louder and more frequent the voice got.

~

Hey guys! What's this? An early update? Dang! Maybe I'm just trying hard to kill time before I go see a movie I've been excited for for so long. It's called beautiful boy, and it looks so good! It's based on a true story, and I'm a sucker for movies based on a true story.

Thoughts on this chapter?

On him reaching a new low?
What part got you the most? Gave you the most 'oof' if you know what I mean.

Have a lovely week, everyone. Love ya <3