Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 9: pool party

The smell of burgers filled my nostrils, and the sound of kids screaming or splashing into water came from every direction. Normally, a barbecue and pool party would be enough to get me excited. Hey, it's my kind of scene, especially when it's at my best friend's house. But this year, the annual end-of-school barbecue had a different feel to it. It was no longer a thing reminiscent of my childhood, nor was it a time that I could let loose and thank God that school was done. This time around, I was too antsy, too preoccupied and stuck in my head. 

Even though I wasn't busy that day at the gym, my mind was still there. I knew that I should have relaxed and had fun, but the laughter only sounded obnoxious now, and the smells were only reminders of me being off of my food schedule. I couldn't count calories here. I couldn't sneak the box of pasta out of the trash to check the nutrition label. I couldn't research and estimate the amount in each dish, and then add it all up. I could easily under or overeat. 

I was terrified. 

The yearly Rubin pool party and barbecue was nothing foreign to me, and going to it was far from new to my family. However, I felt like a new person; so of course it felt new to me. Maybe the barbecue itself didn't feel particularly new, but the little, annoying details that I had neglected to notice before. They had always been there, but I was just always too caught up in the fun to care. Things like the smoke from the grill burning my eyes. Or things like pool water flicking from kids' swim trunks and landing right on me as they carelessly run by. Each little detail that was just now being noticed was one more thing to send me on edge. 

I had to make a conscious effort to not roll my eyes or scowl when I saw Garret. 

Of course he's here, it's his house. I didn't care if this was his home or not, I didn't want to see him there, or better yet, I didn't want to be there. We weren't exactly on speaking terms after our big blowout. I was more than irritated with him, and his texts had stopped coming entirely, proving that he felt similar. 

Be civil. Don't make a scene, I told myself as he slowly approached me at the picnic table full of food. I popped a chip into my mouth, pretending not to have seen him head in my direction.

"Hey," he said. 

"Hey," I said back. 

We both looked away as the awkward silence ensued. He busied himself with straightening out the dishes, and I went to grab another chip, but retracted it when a bowl was placed in front of me.

I looked up at the owner of the hand that held it out to me. He was being polite. I found it in me to return the offer with a smile and a polite "Thanks." 

It was a peace offering of some sort. It was causing a war in my mind. 

I can't refuse it, but I can't fill it up with chips! I'm not supposed to eat this much junk, it'll make me feel full! I'm supposed to fill up with some of substance, not junk food. I could just wait until he leaves and but the bowl back when he isn't looking. He isn't leaving, I can't just stand here and stare at the bag. 

I reluctantly fished a hand full of chips from the bag. 

Why did I grab that much? Why did I even grab a single chip to begin with? I'm such an idiot. I am such an idiot. 

Seeing in my peripheral vision that he was looking at me, I forced a chip into my mouth. It was oily, salty, and utterly repulsive. 

Maybe it isn't that bad. Just read the nutrition facts and count how many you eat. I can't read the bag, he'll see and question me. Anyone could see and question me. 

Just don't think about it! Eat them, like a normal person, and don't think about it! 

I ended up eating two more before giving up and sneaking the rest to the dog. 

Snapshot.

Fifteen minutes into the party and I knew I had to do something to stop my feet from tapping. I didn't like sitting around for a long time. I preferred to exercise to fill my time up, but any physical activity could do, really. So the obvious option was to swim, of course. It did look a little fun the more I watched everyone else enjoy the water. 

As if reading my mind, my mom spoke up. "How about you go get into the pool for a bit before we eat. I brought some towels this time," she said, referencing last year's barbecue where we forgot the beach bag. Not only did we go home in damp clothes, but sunburns as well. 

"Okay," I replied. I got up and shed my shirt, kicked my shoes off, and hopped into the water. 

The less time people can look at my body, the better. 

I took a deep breath and submerged myself into the water, letting it wash away my thoughts and rinse my hair. When I came back up to gasp for air, I caught sight of a little someone staring at me from across the yard: Wilson. The golden retriever I was sneaking food to just minutes earlier. He was sniffing around, scavenging for more treats, but as soon as he caught sight of his food friend, gave up and ran toward me. 

I propped myself up onto the side of the pool and pet him, but as soon as he realized I was sopping wet and he was in the splash zone, he left for cover. I watched him sniff around where I was sitting earlier until he found the shirt I was wearing when I was feeding him. I had put it in the beach bag to keep it from getting wet, but he managed to get his nose inside of it. 

My eyes widened when I realized what was happening. He associated the shirt with me, and me with food. On top of that, there were probably crumbs left on the shirt. No matter what brought him to do such a thing, he still ended up grabbing my shirt in his mouth, and trotted away with it. My mom caught sight of him in the act in just enough time to start chasing him, but the damage was done before she could intervene. By the time she picked it up from the puddle where it was dropped, it was already dripping a puddle of its own. 

We exchanged grimaces when she looked at me. 

And that was how I ended up eating lunch shirtless and exposed, my only shield from the scrutiny of others drying in the sun. 

Not even the words of encouragement offered to me by Garret's uncle made me feel better. "You've grown a lot since the last time I saw you, boy. You've been lifting, huh?" 

I nodded my head. 

He gave me a pat on the back. "Keep up the good work, kid." 

"Will do." That's what I said, but what ran through my mind as I pushed his encouragement aside was Am I becoming numb to compliments? 

It was like they didn't matter to me anymore. His words, the flirtatious glances and smiles from a girl there that I was too embarrassed to act on, neither of them mattered. 

None of it mattered, because in the end, I still looked at myself in the mirror, especially around other people, and saw the same scrawny kid I started out as. The affirmation of others was both something I longed for, and something that meant nothing to me, because in the end, I was never content with myself. 

Snapshot. 

~

Hey guys. Thanks once again for reading. I can't believe how much attention the book has gained in such a short amount of time. 

School has started for me. Being homeschooled, I legitimately enjoy learning. What's your favorite subject? I'm not sure if I could pick just one.

Be honest, do you mind the author's notes? Do you prefer to not have them?