Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 31: when longings conflict

As you probably expected, the first week back at school after winter break was awkward. And I mean getting a talk about the birds and the bees awkward. Every class was filled with murmurs the moment I walked in, and the people around me whispered as I walked through the halls. All eyes were on me, waiting for me to make a move. I felt so small under their gazes, but not small enough to hide behind my backpack. Suddenly, the idea of being little didn't seem so bad after all.

I now realize it probably wasn't as bad as I remember it being. Maybe kids had always murmured before class began, and maybe there were always people who whispered secrets to their friends in the hallways. But whatever the reality was, it didn't matter, because to me, people were all watching.

It was awkward when Henry would pass my in the halls or in class with an unreadable look on her face, and I would have to avert my eyes for lack of a better response. It was awkward when I'd see Matt in one of my classes, and saw his girlfriend pointing at me once or twice before. I couldn't help the slew of mean thoughts that would surface every time we made eye contact. 

Look who's judging now. Well, where were you all these months, huh? Too busy clinging to your girlfriend and her friends to hang out with me and Garret? Too good for us now? 

I thought the dumbest things about him. I knew he was busy with soccer, and I knew he was involved with multiple friend groups, and he did reach out to me between soccer seasons, and sat with us at lunch for the most part. He had a lot of things happening in his life, and still managed to check in with me. He was the perfect guy, and I was jealous of it. So that jealousy manifested itself into spite, and spite into anger. 

It was awkward to receive countless dirty looks from Sandra, but I forced myself to pretend she wasn't there. It was especially awkward, because I could only guess she was still good friends with Chelsea. Chelsea hadn't contacted me since we broke up, which was weeks before the end of school break. That meant that she had had all the time in the world to tell Sandra her side of the story, and because I never felt the need to explain myself to anyone about anything going on in my life, Chelsea's side was the only one she would know. 

Most awkward of all, though, was sitting next to Garret in one of the classes we had together. We we chose to sit together at the beginning of the year, but now, it didn't seem such a good idea. I put up with it the first few days, pretending he wasn't right there beside me. I tried convincing myself at one point that it wasn't him in my periphery, only a kid I've never met before, or better yet, just some inanimate object. That didn't last long, though. I knew him too well to convince myself otherwise.

I lasted four days before caving in to my childish side, and asked the kid behind me if he wanted to switch seats before class started. He must have heard about what happened, because he readily agreed. 

People aren't scared of me now, are they? And if they are...is that really a bad thing? I mean, if I'm intimidating, doesn't that mean I look big and tough? Or do they just think I'm a douche?

Regardless of why he switched seats with me, Garret ended up walking into class that day, doing a double take when he saw someone else next to him.

He threw me an indiscernible expression. Maybe sadness, maybe confusion, maybe something else. I didn't stop to think that, even though I'd given up on our friendship, he might have been trying to save what little bit of our friendship was left.

~

January left without a trace, save the footprints in the snow. There was one thing I brought with me, though, and that was a lesson I had to learn.

Sometimes, as much as you want to be alone, it still hurts to be isolated. Nothing makes you feel more isolated than seeing an old friend getting close with someone else. It hurts to know that you're lonely, and as much as you miss them, they've already moved on. That was the lesson I learned by the time January came to a close. 

But what could you expect of someone that you abandoned for so long? What could you expect of somebody who you hurt? For them to mope around, watching from a distance, because that's what you do? That would be selfish of me.

Besides, why would he miss me? He's better off without me. Plus, now nobody's getting in the way of the things I need to focus on.

As much as I tried to convince myself to move on with my life and forget about my friends, deep down, I missed them. Sure, I may not have missed all the messages, and their frequent questions about what was wrong (how could they think such a thing?), but I missed knowing that there were people who cared. I missed having people in my life that I could turn to if I needed to talk to them. Granted, I never did talk to them, but it was still nice to know that I had the option. 

Carson was someone I knew of, but never knew personally. Sure, we talked on class on multiple occasions, but he wasn't somebody I would willingly hang out with. All I knew was that he took the same digital art class as Garret, and that when February arrived, they were walking the halls together like old pals. Perfectly acceptable, but I couldn't help the feeling in my gut that my best friend was being stolen from me. Despite how distorted my thinking was at the time, I still knew it would be unfair of me to expect Garret to stay hung up on me. 

Sometimes my eyes would linger on Henry, often catching sight of her with Matt. They started hanging out around the same time that Garret and Carson began conversing, so I assumed it had something to do with Carson. 

He still hangs out of Henry a lot, but he also talks to Carson. I don't think Henry knows him. Maybe they're not that close. Or maybe Carson is a horrible person, and Henry can't stand to be around him. 

All these wild imaginings were ironic, really. Here I was, assuming the worst of people, assuming that Carson was the horrible friend that Garret would try to fix, when all along, I was that horrible friend.

Keep your eyes on the prize, I told myself every time I saw them laughing together in the hallway. These are the people that have already broken their New Year's resolutions. What do I need that they have, anyway? 

Friendship. 

Support. 

Laughter. 

Happiness. 

Need I say more? 

But none of that mattered at the time, because all that mattered to me was going on with whatever the hell it was I was doing. I didn't know what I was doing then, and I still don't know now. 

And no, don't you dare think I was doing something without cause or purpose, or that I pushed away the things that really mattered for no apparent reason. I had a reason why I was doing these things to myself. I had a purpose, and a main goal that was driving all of this. 

I just couldn't remember what it was, is all. Believe me when I say that I asked myself the motives to my actions all the time. I spent countless hours in class (that I should have been using to do my work), staring at the backs of the people I used to talk to, asking myself those very questions. When I wasn't thinking obsessively about how I looked, or if my hair was messed up, or if my acne was noticeable, I was asking myself why I was so caught up in worrying about those things. My answers were always conflicted, and my mind was always split on what was wrong and what was right. 

All people could see on the outside was a moody teenager sulking around. On the inside? I was a confused, conflicted mess who, deep inside myself, was screaming for someone to help me out of these drowning thoughts. 

I was isolated, no doubt about that, but I was far from alone. The thoughts that were drowning me wouldn't let me be even when I wanted to.

~

So I'm really not all that proud of this chapter. I feel like it's mostly Nate droning on and on with internal dialogue. 

But I still wanna know your thoughts on it. 

Teaser: has Nate pushed too hard this time?