Skinny Boy ✔

Chapter 42: where nightmares and reality meet

Dad got ready to leave the hospital that evening, which was probably a good thing, considering Jamie was home alone nearly all day. It would be too much to expect him to stay overnight when mom already was. It was enough that he'd go straight to the hospital from work, and mom skipped work altogether when I wasn't home in an hour. It was enough that Jamie had to come home to an empty house. How could I expect more from them? 

I didn't want to be there, facing the consequences of my actions, so how could I expect that much from them? 

I'm a burden. I'm a disappointment. I'm messing up their lives, and it's not fair that they have to deal with my shit. Why would mom want to stay here with her selfish son when she can be with her good son at home?

"You don't have to stay," I blurted out.

Mom gave me a funny look. "Why would you say that? Of course I'm gonna stay."

I looked away from her gaze, focusing on the fistful of sheets between my fingers. With a sigh, I said, "I know you don't want to be here, and I don't blame you. You don't have to stay."

"Don't be silly, of course I wanna stay."

I only sniffed at that, still unsure if I wanted to believe her lies. I don't want to be here either, so why would you?

Dad left the hospital and came back with overnight supplies and a hot coffee for mom, and left with little words to spare. 

Mom might have run out earlier, but at least she's the one staying. 

We watched in silence as he walked out the door, shutting it too slowly behind him, but no glance back. 

He's ashamed of me. He hates me. Why did I expect them to be happy for me? My accomplishments are nothing to him, and they're only a burden to my mom. 

Seconds later, the door opened again. I half-expected him to come back for whatever reason he could find, and half-hoped he would try to make me talk about what was going on, because I knew for certain that I couldn't figure it out alone. 

All hope was lost, however, when a nurse walked through the door, carrying a tray with two plates on it, both stacked with a standard lunch order. She greeted us with a warm smile, which my mother gratefully returned. I greeted her with the numb expression that masked the storm going through my mind. Mom thanked her, and she was on her way, too busy to care about my pitiful problems that now seemed so small. 

While mom dug into her food, I picked at a few chips, forcing myself to take a few bites here and there to appease my mother. I couldn't stomach a mouthful. 

Forcing myself to eat far beyond my comfort was once an easy thing, but not anymore. Before, I had my gains to keep up, and now, I had nothing to eat for. Sure, there was survival that gave me a need for food. But that was survival, that's all. So what's the point in forcing it when you're not hungry, and there's no longer anything to gain from it? 

All my progress, down the drain. All this hard work and dedication, only to miss the one year picture streak by a hair. 

Mom let out a sigh, placing her nearly-finished plate down beside her. "Could you at least try a bite?" 

I considered it for a moment, but the knot in my stomach decided against it. My whole body was still aching, still filled with an overwhelming heat. "I'm just not hungry," I shook my head. But when I looked at her pleading eyes, I found it in myself to force a bite, chew it, and swallow it. I looked at her and again said, "I'm just not hungry." 

Other than the sounds of the monitors, silence filled the rooms for a moment before she spoke again. "Why did you do it?" 

I gave a confused look, even though I knew exactly what she was talking about. 

"The run; why did you run a marathon?" 

It all made so much sense in my mind, but when it came time for explaining, my reasons seemed irrational. Most of my rationalizations never made sense when I put them into words. They just sort of...felt right. That's the only reason I need, right? 

"'Cause I felt like it," I said. 

"People don't just up and run marathons because they feel like it," she ran a hand across her tired face, and into matted strands of hair. Here I was, thinking about how exhausted I felt, when she had spent the whole day worrying about the safety and health of her son. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how selfish I was being. 

My time of selfish acting was not over yet though, folks.

"Well, I guess I'm just special then, now aren't I?" I glowered.

She flinched, sending the guilt rushing back as quickly as it left.

"I didn't mean that, you know," I said.

"I know," she assured me. "It's been a long and stressful day."

It was bound to be a long and stressful night, too. Sleepless night of tossing and turning, filled with growls of a nauseous stomach that couldn't handle the food it asked for. Worst of all, I think, was the thoughts I couldn't appease. I couldn't give in to the overwhelming desire to get up and do jumping jacks.

I felt so small...so fragile. 

It took me a while to go to sleep. Despite my bed being much comfier than the cot mom slept on, she was the one who slept soundly through the night. When I did manage to shut my brain off, those torturous thoughts found a way to torture me in my sleep. 

The bones in my body are sticking out. I look like a starved man. I look like I haven't eaten in days--no, weeks. Every inch of fat, of muscle, of extra skin, it's all gone. My hair is gone. I look like a cancer patient. My eyes are sunken in.

My elbows are sharp enough to dent wood if I set them down hard enough. My shoulder blades could injure someone if they bumped into me. My knees are ready to break at the slightest touch. I'm ready to collapse into myself with the next breeze to blow by. I'm ready to collapse into my own body at any moment now. I'm ready to break into myself.

I'm ready to break into myself.

I'm ready to break.

I'm about to snap. 

~

I awoke with a start, covered in a layer of sweat. I could hear the distant sounds of employees on the night shift, all mixed with the beats of my erratic breathing, and beeping machines.

Everything was so silent, so still. No commotion to distract me, no people to turn my attention to, just me and a still room.

And then it all came rushing forward.

I'll never reach my goals. It's all gone. It's all down the drain, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I broke out into a shaking fit of sobs, trembling, squeezing my eyes as I wished it to be untrue.

All my hard work, is gone. All that time spent, was for nothing, I'll never get it back. Everything I did, it's gone. It's all disappeared, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I clasped my hand over my mouth to muffle the cries. I did my best to stay quiet as I took it all in, eventually calming down enough to uncover my mouth. My sobs became sniffs, and my sniffs became little hiccups and silent tears.

As the tears subsided, truths remained: I did this to myself, I ruined everything, and now I have nothing left.

~

Guess whose birthday is almost here ;)

Thoughts? (On the chapter, not the birthday.)

Not sure how the update schedule is gonna be this week, so we'll see.

Teaser: a certain truth is revealed.

Also, question of the day: how has your week been? Anything new? I genuinely enjoy reading your comments.