Demi-Angel

chapter twenty two

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Song: Beautiful - Bazzi

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I don't know what time it is when I get home. I straight into the kitchen, grab the paper to dad and rip it into a thousand pieces. 

I look around the room like I'm searching for a way to get this agony in me away. He's out there, but he's gone. 

I put my hands over my ears like it would ever silence my thoughts. Silence the obvious. He's out of my life and will suffer forever and it's all my fault.

I need to get out of the kitchen, out of the house, out of the city, world, solar system, galaxy, universe. I can't stay here without him. I can't.

I run upstairs nearly choking on the sadness and anger in my throat. I step into my room feeling my body scream in agony. I walk to my desk and throw things off it, books, papers, my schedule, pens.

I open the drawers and throw out everything I can find. I want to burn the house down, get rid of everything that reminds me of what I've done. It's just that I can't. I sit down on the bed and start crying again.

The sadness in me takes me back to when I lost mom. The thing is that this is worse, because I know that right now Quinn is trapped in his fear, his personal nightmare. I'm having trouble breathing, hating myself, feeling angry with myself because I can't take his place.

He was in on this because of me. He only joined because of me. This is all my fault and no one can tell me otherwise. Because they're wrong. I did this to him. I forced this on him and now he's gone. Forever.

I lie down and cry uncontrollably, so much it feels like I can cry forever.

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When pain appears it's like a trap. It's worse than torture because it never ends. At least it feels like it never does. The pain keeps reminding you of what you've done, what you've lost. I've been through it once before and this state feels so impossible. You're only thinking of what has happened and that can make me cry any time of the day.

It's like it's infinite. There is not past, no future, just this present feeling that is sucking everything but sadness out of you. 

I've been crying for what feels like years but it's only going dark for the first time. I can suddenly hear the door open and close. I close my eyes wishing I could sleep so that I don't have to face dad.

Tears still continue to add to the stain on my pillow. 

I hear him call my name but I can't respond. Just hearing him makes me cry more. I start hiccuping and sit up to breathe better. Just then dad comes into my room. He slams it open and first stare at the mess I've made on the floor. I had almost forgotten about it.

He runs to my bed. "What's going on?"

Dad saying that to me makes me relive it again. Quinn disappearing like he never existed. I can't look dad in the eyes and just hug him. I hug and I sob and when I let go I lie down and continue to cry.

"Aurora?" he whispers quietly.

I just continue trying to breathe with tears streaming down my face. I can feel his weight shift on the bed. He sits closer to me and places his hand on my arm. 

"Talk to me."

I never thought I could get out words at this point but I hiccup and breathe in. "Quinn."

It's more like a painful whisper. Like I'm weaker than I've even been. Which I probably am. Dad leans over, trying to meet my eyes but I'm just staring at nothing.