Dabbling in Danger

I Can't Love You

Adeen

For the last few days, I've been avoiding Malina. I'm ashamed of what I allowed myself to do with her.

I'm the biggest dumbass around. I knew I wouldn't act on my feelings that night, so I got inebriated so that I could.

How stupid of me, so fucking stupid.

It wouldnt be so bad if I didn't remember. But I remember everything. And I remember loving it.

For the last few days I've found myself waking up earlier than usual in order to get ready and out of the house for work before Malina wakes up.

I left Malina with a debit card I hardly use to grab an uber to get to and from school.

When I'm at the office, I'm safe to let my guard down. But being here doesn't stop the thoughts and fantasies of Malina from piling in.

I really took to looking Christina up and down today. She's dressed in a tight jean skirt that's cut just below her knees and a low V neck shirt to match.

When the paperwork got to be tedious, I'd call Christina in for no real reason. Once it was to ask about an account I knew very well was explained in detail on my computer. Another time she asked me if I wanted coffee, I said yes but for her to come back in a few minutes. I only requested that so I could watch her walk through the room again. After a while I started to feel like a dog and said goodbye to my staff for the day.

When I get home, I sit a while in the driveway, the truck still running. It's after three so there's a chance she' in here. If she is home, there's no avoiding her.

There's no way I can keep up with this all weekend.

"I could stay out all day tomorrow," I mumble to myself.

After mulling over the idea of where I'd go, I conclude that the idea is asinine.

"I shouldn't be running from her, this is my house. If anything, she's the one that should be hiding from me... God this is fucked," I punch at the steering wheel, the horn sounds with a quick toot.

I flash my eyes to the windows of the house hoping no one heard and comes checking. To my dismay, the curtains shift and I curse, shut the truck off and get out. The walk up the stoned pathway to the heavy front door, I'm giving myself a little pep-talk, convincing myself that next time I see Malina we're going to have a talk.

I punch in the door code and go inside to be greeted by no one, I sigh full of relief.

Swift and silent I get to my bedroom and wash the day away in a nice warm shower.

The water blasts from all five shower heads, the warm beads pelting me all over.

I groan as the tension in my muscles release from rough sleepless nights.

"I need to rest," I say to myself.

My stomach grumbles and tightens.

I'll sleep as soon as I eat something.

After scrubbing and rinsing I hop out of the shower and dress in my thick long black robe.

I throw together a sandwich with three pieces of turkey and some mustard. I stand there leaning against the counter and nearly swallow the thing whole.

I'm headed to the room, so close to being able to lock myself in the room for the rest of the night, when I hear sniffling coming from the living room. 

I peer in to see teary eyed Malina who makes eye contact with me.

She looks skittish, like I've kicked her in the side and killed her new puppy. I go to say something but hesitate. She bites her lip and turns away from me, darting for the hallway.

I take a few steps in her direction, "W- Malina.... We need to talk," I say, avoiding eye contact.

She looks like she's about to object but, instead closes the distance between us, waiting for me to speak.

I sigh audibly and tighten the robe around me.

She's just standing here meekly, I fold my arms and turn on the authoritative persona.

"We know what happened between us was..." I try to think of a way to say it so she won't take it the wrong way. "A weird occurrence and that we were going to have to talk about it at some point."

Malina just stares at me, observing, I feel the beads of water running behind my ears and down my neck like sweat.

I continue, "what we did was wrong."

I watch as she processes the words I just spoke. Malina swallows, pulls her eyebrows together and shakes her head in disbelief.

"What do you mean it was wrong?" she asks in a pained tone.

I'm thrown off by her response, "what?" I ask, almost confused. "We can't- Malina you're my wife's sister!"

She shakes her head more, unmoved by the obvious.

"It doesn't matter," she says. "My sister's a drunk," Malina states matter of factly. "She isn't around ever, you- You need someone in your life ready-"

"Malina stop!" I order.

This isn't how this conversation is supposed to go. This isn't normal.

She is your wife's sister, I angrily remind myself.

I'm getting visibly frustrating, "Stop fucking talking like that right now," I command.

Malina'a defensive now, burying her  sadness to unleash full anger.

"You know Tiana's no good for you Adeen! You know you don't-"

"Malina!" my voice is getting louder.

She's desperately wanting me to agree with her. "You want me, I know you do! I want you too Adeen," her voice quivers as it rises.

I start to scold her when she pushes up against me and tries kissing me and guiding my hands to her hips.

It takes everything in me not to do what we both want. Not to squeeze her ass, pick her up and wrap those dark legs around my waist like I've fantasized about over and over.

Instead I snatch my hands from hers and keep her at arms length distance, holding her back by the shoulders.

"Malina, what the hell is-"

"You just keep teasing me! You and Tee, always flaunting in my face of what I can't have! Why'd you kiss me back?" she's yelling.

She's also full on crying between her screams.

"I was drunk," I say softly. "You know you don't actually feel this way about me! You're young, you're confused about your emotions."

"Yes, I do!" She snatches away then she punches at my chest. "I know you feel something for me! You kissed and touched all over me! You flirted with me, complimented me and bought me shit! You had me spend time with you! You made me fall for you and now you're just trying to make me pretend shit didn't happen! You want me to forget, but I'm not going to Adeen! All of it actually meant something to me!"

I try really hard to ignore everything she's saying but it's all hitting me like bricks. I try my best to stay stern anyway.

"Malina," I speak slow and low. "We will never ever be able to be anything more than in-laws. I made a mistake."

The look in her eye makes me think she's about to attempt to tackle me.

"Fuck you Adeen!" she screams at the top of her lungs, runs off and up the stairs.