About Last Night

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Adeen

"Last night I cheated on you," I whisper the words into the silent air over and over, hoping her sleepy ears would pick them up.

Like a subliminal message type deal, my words would just stick in her head, maybe she'd have a dream about it and come to the conclusion herself.

For the first time, I cheated on you and I thought of your sister. This I don't whisper out loud, only think it.

Suddenly I notice a wetness on my bare chest. My heart weighs heavy because for a second, I wonder if she heard my whispers.

I sit up and take one of her hands, "what's wrong Tiana?"

She sniffles avoiding eye contact. "I'm so sorry Adeen," she cries.

I watch her blubber and can't help but wind my arms tightly around her.

She blubbers as she speaks, "I know I'm not doing right by you. I drink too much and it's everyday... You should've divorced me a long time ago..." Her cries begin to stutter as she chokes on her breath.

"Honey, take some breaths, calm down."

"How can I!?"she squeals. "I- I-" she starts to bawl, "I've been cheating on you... I black out and I sleep around with other men."

She continues to bawl in my arms and I sit frozen trying to process her words.

Well, damn.

Tiana goes on, "I know you hate me, I know my sister hates me. I don't like what I've become... I need to get better."

My heart drops at the mention of Malina.

Seeing my wife crumpled in my arms like this hurts. I want to chalk this up as another self loathing moment. I want to not care. I want to be irate over her infidelity, but who am I? I just did the same.

Either way, this time is different, she's never apologized. She's never said that she wanted to quit drinking or at least reel it in, so I need to hear her say it.

"Are you saying, you want to get sober?" I ask.

Tiana looks at me. Tears pooled in her large eyes.

She nods, "yes, yes I want to quit drinking... But Adeen, I'm fucking terrified."

So... I've forgiven her, so I can forgive myself right?

"We're going to get through all of this together," I say staring past her.

Tiana bursts into tears again, I hold her against me as she does.

Now would be the time to tell her. Just say the words, I cheated on you too.

The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I never do it.

I never tell her, what is the truth.

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