Dabbling in Danger

Blood Moon

Adeen

Having time to think on every thing that has gone on since being here, I'm repulsed by my actions. It's too late to be sorry about any of it now though, won't change what's been done.

Sad part of it all is, I've turned into exactly what I swore I never would and that's a carbon copy of my god damn father.

I'm sure if he were alive today and I told him what I'd done, he'd smile at me for once. Maybe he'd even give me a pat on the back and a puff from his cigar.

Arturo Fuente, that's the brand he liked. When I was younger I would choke on the odor just walking by the room he was in.

Augistin... That man. I hate him and yet all I want is his respect and to feel I've honored him. It's idiotic I know, because he's far from role model material, I know he wasn't a good man.

There was a side of him that my mother didn't like to acknowledge, a side that I knew very well. This part of him was ruthless and unapolegetic.

If he drank too much in the night, there was a high chance he'd pester you, push your buttons until a reaction boiled out. But don't even think to bring up your hurt feelings the next day. Most times he wouldn't bother to respond, that is unless he was particularly agitated that day. Then you'd get an earful on how worthless and deserving you are of a lot worse than a few brute comments.

Augistin also enjoyed his women. I know my mother knew, hell I knew by the age of eight, but neither of us were dumb enough to bring it up.

When my mother started travelling a lot for her catering, one night my dad decided to bring a woman home. I was maybe thirteen or so, it was during summer so if I wasn't with a friend, I was at home goofing off and whatnot.

I remember it was raining that night and I was in the kitchen when I heard the front door open.

Rain drops were pattering, squeaky shoes against the wooden floor and an unfamiliar laugh cackled.

I peaked around the corner just in time to see my father going up the stairs leading along a woman in a bright red dress with red lipstick to match.

I wasn't stupid, only my parents' bedroom and bathroom were on the second floor, I knew what he was doing with her and I was pissed.

I remember how badly I wanted to bring it up, how much I wanted my mother to acknowledge and do something about it... I wanted him to know that I knew and sometimes I liked to think that he did. I started to wonder if he did it just so I could see.

Boasting he'd say,

"This is what a man does, see here son?"

After a while it all became normalized and I expected to see women hanging off my father when mom wasn't around.

It's funny, no matter how much I tried to not be like him, I only internalized his faulty personality and became more of a replica... Well I like to think that I have a little more empathy than him, maybe empathy is what is getting me into trouble. I can't behave the way I am and turn around and feel sorry for what I've done...

I need to make a decision, it's one way or the other. That's what dad would have said.

I'm sure if I were able to tell him how I behaved with Malina, he'd tell me to do it again.

I shrug, "maybe I should," I sigh and get up from the sofa.

"Maybe, I should..."