Carry On SnowBaz

Third Story: Snowday

Simon

When I wake up, it's still dark outside. I don't know how late it is. I could reach for my phone, which lays on the desk next to me and look up the time but I don't. I don't care how late it is. I just stare at the dark ceiling and try to calm down. I try to breathe. I pant for the cold air from the open window.

I still sleep with an open window. Even if I'm not afraid of burning anymore. I can't go off. But I dreamt about it. Again.

My body is full of sweat and I'm shaking. Shivers run over my back like a waterfall. Like a hot waterfall.

I don't know where my blanket is. I guess I pushed it away while dreaming. I don't remember what I dreamt but in the end, I went off. Like always.

After a few minutes, I can breathe normally again but I still can't close my eyes. I just can't. And while I lay there, alone in my dark room, I start to think. I think about Christmas. About Baz. About College. About Penny. About magic. About the Mage. About Watford. About Ebb. About the Humdrum. About Watford. About Baz. About magic. About magic....

Burning tears run over my cheeks. I don't know why; they're just there. Just like this sting in my stomach. And this heaviness in my head – in my mind. This is the reason why I usually don't think. It only brings all the things to the surface you're worrying about. All the things you can't have. All you lost. All you miss. All the feelings you usually try to block out. Because they hurt like hell and you can't change anything. They just make you burn.

On my first day at Watford, I was afraid of the last. I was afraid of the day when I had to leave Watford. Because I loved to be surrounded by magic. To be magic. Well, I didn't know I would ever make it to the end. I mean, I was the Chosen One. The great hope of the world of mages. My destiny was written. And then everything changed...

I wasn't the answer; I was the problem. From the very beginning. And now I'm ... I don't know. What am I? I have no more magic. No more written destiny. I've no more purpose. There isn't a plan for me. There's just me...

Sometimes I have these days. These thoughts. These days with these thoughts which devour my mind. And then I can't see any light – any light at the end of the tunnel. Because there's no tunnel anymore. There's just me. But I know there's a light. I really do. Because I'm free and I can do whatever I want. There are no high expectations for me anymore. I don't have to fight and win the war. I don't have to control my magic anymore...

Sometimes it's hard to see those lights. For these moments I created a list. A list of everything that's worth it. Everything that carries me on. It's not like that I have to remember myself of the sense of life every day. No. I am happy. Really. In all my dreams I'd never thought I would survive this war and live happily ever after with the people I love. But sometimes I fall back into this black hole. Like the one, I fell in after the Mage's death. After Ebb's. After I found out I was the Humdrum. After I lost my magic. I guess it was Baz who helped me to climb out of it. And Penny of course.

Anyway. Every time I fall back into this hole, I get out this list:

No. 1: Baz

He should be really proud of himself that I didn't set Sour Cherry Scones on the first place. Because they're worth it. But Baz... He's a reason to carry on. I think I wouldn't have carried on at all without him. After all this mess last year. And I need him to carry on in the following. I really do.

No. 2: Penelope

I need Penny. I just need her. I think there's nothing more to say.

No. 3: Magic

Even if I have no more magic inside me, there's still a lot of magic around me every day because of Penny and Baz. Sometimes it makes me sad. Because I'm not like them. I can't even feel the magic. But often it makes me happy. Because it remembers me that it's still there. That I'm not a Normal. I'm still a part of this magickal world. That's one of the reasons I keep my wings anyway. Because it remembers me of what I used to be. What I was able to do. It makes me magic.

Before I even get to the fourth point on my list, there's a knock on my door. For a moment I wonder who would dare to wake me in the middle of the night, but then I recognize that the sun has started to rise. It's almost day outside. How long did I lay here? It's knocking again. I'm sure it's Penelope. She's not a late riser. (So, me neither.)

"Simon?" she's shouting through the door. "Are you awake?"

I don't answer. I don't want to get up. At all.

"You really should," Penny says with a loud voice. "It's almost nine. You have to get into a healthy rhythm again. Only two days till school."

I press my face into my pillow and wait for her to leave. But then she bursts through the door.

"You're awake!" she complains and puts her hands on her hips, standing in front of my bed. "Why don't you answer me?"