For The Love Of Parker

18 | So Bad

P A R K E R

18 | so bad

MY POOR TOYOTA came to a slow stop at the place I decided to park. With my hands on the steering wheel, I looked past the glass with the aid of my front lights blaring at the entire graveyard. I wondered for a brief moment if I had startled the sleeping souls and mentally apologized to them.

I don't know why but for some reason I prefer coming here at night. The yard was always peaceful, night or day but there's just something about the night. Maybe at this time, I feel closer to Bryce. If ghost or spirits exist, I'm guessing they would probably show themselves at night rather than day. Not that I'm counting on seeing Bryce or anything. Sigh.

I reach for my touch light and bunch of lilies. They are my favourite flowers. Bryce never said he liked any particular flowers but he always said, "whatever you like, I do to". I don't think he's spirit self has changed. I hope not. I lock up my car, look around me before heading for the rusty, creaking iron gate. Everywhere is silent and I don't really need the touch light, the full moon is doing it's job real well.

I walk straight, making sure I don't step on anybody's stone and if I accidentally do, I apologize immediately. When I finally arrive Bryce's spot, my breath gets caught up. I read the words on his headstone.

Bryce Grant Bryan

Loving son and boyfriend

1998 - 2017

I sigh and lower myself to the ground. After reading the headstone over and over, I use my palm to wipe on it. I push off all the fallen dry leaves and take out as much dust as I can. Then I place the Lillie's on top and watch. I watch and watch, nothing happens. I don't really know if I expect something to happen or what exactly I expect to happen but after about ten minutes or more, I croak out—

"Hi." My voice is super dry and I swallow saliva before going on. "Long time, no see." I smile. "Well, I saw you recently but that's just my mind conjuring you up. Does that sound weird? It's weird." I agree. "But you know what's weirder? How real it is. You do everything you usually do. Even your voice is the same and you say the exact things you would. Or in this case, what I think you would. The doctors say its not healthy to create another you in my head but it's not like that. They don't understand."

I pick a stalk of lily up. "You've been with me all my life. It's hard not having you around. I didn't know what it's like living without you and now I'm forced to do it. Its really really hard. You were always there. We were a duo. Bryce and Parker, a pair of socks." I chuckle. "I know. Socks? Who the hell compares themselves to socks?"

I tasted salt on my lips and my hands automatically went up to wipe my eyes. "Oh and Sean's back. I know right, unbelievable. Who would have thought? Of all the times he choose to come home, its now. I'm still mad at him but he's different now you know. He's nicer to me. Its like something in him has snapped. He's also team quarterback. Blake was doing awful without you. And yea, Riley is still a bitch. I also made a new friend, Clementina." I laugh. "Don't tell her I said that. She's fun, different and I don't think she's the kind to run away when I tell her to."

Silence.

I run my hand over my face, trying to stop the tears. "I can't do this. Come back. I'm sorry. I'd rather suffer from my food poisoning forever than to have you die. Please come back. Tell me this was all a really bad nightmare. Please. Please." I didn't even know I was hitting my fist on the gravestone until a sharp pain coursed through my bones, shaking my whole being. I watched my hand, it throbbed but that just pushed me to hit it more. I continued hitting and hitting ignoring the numbing pain. It's like I'm punishing myself, just like with the mirror and wrist incident and it wasn't enough. Not nearly, someone died because of me.