Silent misery (BTS depression story)

Gotta go back

(12 hours before Jins jump)

Jungkook 

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I could hear the pitter patter of the water as I stepped out of my car. I had almost fully recovered my legs mobility. The stinging in my heart was unstoppable. Every step was another agonizing wait. Every moment was another punch to the gut. 

I was sent by Namjoon who I'd forgiven for getting me drunk all that time ago. He told me I'd have to go back eventually to retrieve some of the stuff. I told him no. I begged him to go instead. Yet here I am. I pulled out the spare key my body shook as I walked to the door. Wether it was the cold or my fear I shuddered as I inserted the key and turned it. 

I could never describe what it felt like going back. I was hit by memories. Good and bad. I was hit by warmth from the house and the atmosphere which was replaced by a harsh coldness. Not from the outside. From the inside. 

I walked in. The scent of him, I could smell it. I missed it. I walked past the pictures hanging on the wall letting my hand gently touch each frame. I sighed whenever my eyes would land upon him. I stopped in my tracks looking down. The was were he layed. Dead. I reached down. Touching the wood. I slid my finger across lifting to inspect. 

Dust. Then it hit me. I knew it before but I felt it now. Jimin is dead, he died here. I'm in his house. I looked around me. The room had never felt more quiet. No noise. Only the sound of my breathing. Only my heartbeat. I looked down at the dark oak floor once more. Feeling a warming drop roll down my cheek and hit the hard wood below me. I touched my cheek. Im crying? I didn't even notice. I stood stepping over the spot and I walked to his room. 

Oh how boring and empty this house was without him. Was I ready? Was I asking myself this as a question of if I'm ready to enter or if I'm ready to move on? I didn't know. I just opened the door and walked in. My hand slipping limply off the door handle and falling to my side. It's strange how much easier it always was to think in his presence like he was some sort of light bulb that would give us idea. Life. 

I noticed the power was out. Namjoon hasn't payed the electricity bills for this place. I sighed. I bent down and began grabbing things. His house was incredibly clean and arranged. I remember Yoongi did this a few days after he calmed down from his rage over Jimin's death. He made everything perfect. The way he beilived Jimin would want it. 

We didn't tell Yoongi we were going to come and take Jimin's stuff back to our houses. Although I'm sure he would be fine with it he cared more about Jimin's grave than anything. I had packed and was prepared to leave when I tripped. I looked down. Jins video camera? Why was this here? 

I picked it up. I set up the old projector Jimin stole from Jin a long time ago and hooked the video camera to it. Sitting down. The first video was set a few years before his death. It opened with Jin  recording me and taehyung laughing and hugging each other. Then Jin passed the camera to Namjoon and he recorded all three of us plus Jimin. Jimin was smiling and holding a daisy. I remember Jin picked it for him. He laughed when I snatched it and put behind his ear like he was some pretty girl. 

Jin sighed smiling and took the camera back and Hobi ran up with a smile. "Hey look Jimin were almost to the car to go to the beach I'm so excited arnt you?!" Jimin laughed. "Of course I am I love the beach!" Then Hobi grabbed his hand leading the way. Jimin then grabbed the camera laughing it showed his face for a few more seconds before he looked down and cut the camera. 

The next film was 4 minutes. It was Jin and Jimin walking along the beach smiling and laughing telling jokes. Then Jin turned to Jimin with a serious expression. "We're so glad your apart of bangtan. Your such an amazing singer." The beautiful ocean crashed against the sand and Jimin's smile widened. "I could say the same to you Jin-hyung." Jin then laughed and ran off to get the camera and the film cut. 

The next film was 2 minutes. It was Jimin singing. He sang his part of spring day while we all stared mesmerized by him. Yoongi laughed and smiled and sat next to Jimin and began rapping his part then the camera cut. 

The next film made my heart drop. It was the date of his funeral. It was his funeral. It showed each of us standing to say something. I could tell it was Taehyungs mom recording. I could hear her crying. I remember what I said. "I never thought I'd be here today. I never thought I'd need to be. But someone we all care for deeply. Has been lost. Their are no words to make this better. Their is no needle and thread to sew our broken hearts back together. There is no bringing him back. No waking up and realising this is a dream. This is the reality we must live with. Ive had faith all my life that everyone dies for a reason...

But this boy. This star. This person. This ray of light on a dark sad day. Did not deserve this. I don't know why. I have no answer. I don't know why this boy deserved to die. He was my friend. And ubove all. Someone I loved and cherished. I will never forget nor will I ever stop missing or loving the person we lost. Park Jimin." I remember how I had to choke back tears while speaking. I remember my heart shattering saying his name. I remember how hard I cried for months after. 

The film then ended sense I was last to give my speech. Then a film showed. 

The date was set as today. It was a film of the house. A hand grabbing a pill bottle that used to belong to Hobi before Jimin took them so he'd stop overdosing.  Dropping the camera then the film ended. 

Oh my god. That was Jin.

(Is Jin REALLY dead? Or will I bring him back?)