"Ruin and Redemption"

Lizzie Confesses her Troubles to a Friend

“Josiah I don’t want to go home,” She cried, feeling ashamed of herself for admitting it. “How could he rape her, Josiah? How could he do that?”

“I don’t know, Lizzie. I don’t know. Maybe I was too hard on ‘im, though, Lizzie. Who knows what he thought he was doin’? What crazy things were goin’ on in his head?” Josiah reasoned. He had made horrible mistakes himself.

“But it isn’t right and he knows it’s not right! He always swore up and down that that was one thing he didn’t approve of! That as long as slaves did their jobs, they had no right to be raped or whipped or anything! And CiCi did her job to perfection!! And then he does it! He knew it wasn’t right, but he did it anyway!” She was out of her chair, beating her fist against her hand in frustration.

“Well, we all know it isn’t right, Lizzie. I ain’t sayin’ it is. An’ now I’ve got a hard time with CiCi ‘cause of it. But I’m jus’ sayin’ ya don’t know why Derrick did it, or what was goin’ on with him, an’ neither do I.” Josiah sighed.

“But he’s not even sorry!” She cried, but she wasn’t sure that was true. He wouldn’t say he was, but she could tell by the way he hung his head sometimes that he was deeply ashamed about something, and she guessed she knew what that thing was.

“Maybe he is. I think Ben might be sorry too, Lizzie. Told me once when we was drinkin’ that he was sorry he ever got involved in that mess anyway. But he’s too sorry, Lizzie. Too sorry, and too scared he’ll feel even worse about it, if he talks to you. That’s the reason he don’t ‘pologize for what he he’ped to do. ‘Sides that, he’s ‘fraid of bringin’ shame to you if he makes a real apology, if he ‘pologizes for what he actually did, not just ruinin’ some nice piece of prop’ty.”

“Is that all Michael was?!” She shouted at him, growing hoarse from shouting through her tears.

“No! You got me all wrong. What I mean is we all know Michael meant a lot more to you than that. That you meant more to each other… But nobody ‘sides me I guess, wants to ‘pologize for killin’ yer best friend, an’ maybe the man you were in love with. Too ‘fraid you’d tell ‘em you were a lady and how dare they suggest anythin’ of the sort? I mean, you are a lady, too! But I’m sorry for takin’ ‘im away from ya, Lizzie. An’ I’m sorry for sayin’ you couldn’t be with a black man if you wanted to be.” He looked down; it was hard to admit he might have been wrong about that. It was still hard for him to imagine her with a black man. But maybe she loved him too much not to marry him, even if he was black and she was white.

She was crying in earnest now.

“Lizzie, I’m sorry I made you lose him. If I’d done my job like I was ‘sposed to, maybe things would have turned out diff’rent! I’m sorry you had to end up with Derrick, ‘stead of Michael ‘cause I killed him, an’ didn’t give you no choice.”

She threw her arms around his neck and continued crying.

“I miss him so much, Josiah! I really, really miss him! She cried. “And I miss you, too, Josiah! I lost your friendship, Josiah, because I couldn’t forgive you soon enough, and I married Derrick because I was lonely and he wanted to marry me. And now I don’t know what to do! I love Derrick but he’s changed everything! It’s all ruined! I can’t be an overseer; I can’t be a teacher; I can’t plant a garden, I can’t visit my friends! I have to wear a corset all the time, just in case we have visitors! I’m so bored and lonely, there’s nothing for me to do! I’m not even allowed to educate Michael’s children, even though they’re supposed to be free!”

“Aww, Lizzie, I’m really, really sorry things turned out this way. I shoulda married ya when I had the chance rather than thinkin’ ‘bout everythin’ else, I guess. I jus’ knew you weren’t used to hard work all the time like I was, an’ you woulda had to work hard without Michael around! We both would have. I’m sorry I turned you down, though. I didn’t think you liked me well enough to be marryin’ me,"   He told her apologetically. He winced at what she had been through, but he still wasn't entirely certain he'd made a mistake in not marrying her, though sometimes it felt that way.