"Ruin and Redemption"

Time to Begin Again

Derrick found himself in Scarlett’s cabin later on despite his better judgement. He had asked Lizzie to carry him in, apologizing on the way over. Lizzie did his bidding, letting him drape his arm around her as he hopped down the stairs on one leg, the strain evident on his face. Politely, and humbly she waited on him to catch his breath at the foot of the stairs, before walking with him to the porch door. She carried him respectfully, as any slave would.

 As the reality set in that her time of having Derrick to herself was coming to a close, Lizzie allowed a few errant tears to drip down her face, stopping briefly to wipe them away. She was humiliated that her husband had to see her weakness; She was too old and gray for these silly tears now. She wasn’t a gay young girl, or even a young woman in her first years of marriage. Now she had reached the age where half her life had passed away and she had nothing to show for it, but a husband that she couldn’t satisfy, the guilt and burden of enslaved people dependent on her, and two teaching certificates which she wasn’t allowed to use. What, she wondered, was the point of her life? She doubted things would ever get any better. She accepted Scarlett now as an inevitable part of her life; She only wished Scarlett could like her, that they could at least get along. Lizzie felt that two women sharing the same man, living in the same area, and of the same race ought to have some type of friendship. It was too bad Scarlett couldn’t forgive her and be her friend. After all, she hadn’t punished Scarlett when she found her in Derrick’s and hers bed; it had been Derrick she had had words with. And she was the one who usually brought Derrick out of the house to see Scarlett. Scarlett had a decent home of her own, and her children were treated well. Surely all of this was evidence that Lizzie had changed; Surely she deserved Scarlett’s forgiveness and friendship now. It would be so wonderful to have a really close female friend. Somehow she just couldn’t bring herself to see Mindy as more than an ordinary friend, Patsy was like a mother, and Izzie, it seemed preferred to spend most of her time alone in the woods hunting and bringing home food for Mindy. Although it hurt sharing Derrick, Lizzie wondered if she couldn’t still be a real friend to Scarlett. They were both mulattoes; they were both women growing older together and sharing many of the same joys and sorrows. It seemed a terrible shame to Lizzie that they couldn’t share more of the life they were both living.

Derrick noticed Lizzie’s tears and felt regretful. Maybe he should ask Lizzie to take him back upstairs and try again to convince her that she was beautiful enough to make love to, that he could care less about her gray hair or her being a mulatto, that she was still his wife.

“Lizzie,” he started.

She looked at him expectantly.

“I love you.” He said. “I’m sorry you’re crying.” He finished lamely, wishing he had the courage to say more. He just couldn’t take the thought of making it all the way back upstairs and being shot down again. He needed to spend a night with Scarlett to fortify his masculine pride and reassure himself that everything was still working fine down there. He would hate to lose the ability to make love to a woman at all! His father had frowned on his plan to attempt monogamy with Lizzie, scorning him for not seeing his lovers. Telling him that if he wasn’t going to make love to Scarlett, he might as well put her back to work on the plantation, and Henri hoped he did.

Lizzie continued to look at him expectantly, sensing there was something more he wished to say to her.

“I suppose that’s it,” Derrick said, and swallowed the saliva over a lump in his throat. He hated what this was doing to Lizzie. He could see her becoming more rigid under his very eyes.

Lizzie paused for a few moments, gathering her strength to continue on what seemed an interminable journey over to Scarlett’s cabin, given her feelings of the moment.