"Ruin and Redemption"

An Affair in Charleston

Derrick had found his way back to Charleston, despite the War. After Scarlett had told him she hoped to sell herself, and he had hit her, he had needed to leave town. He had never before struck a woman, and he felt shaky and disoriented and immensely guilty. The thought that one of the great loves of his life would sell herself to another man, just to get away from him had infuriated and disgusted him. It was even worse than thinking she had been with one of the slaves…that she would just exchange him for another white man, as if he were nothing but that! He loved her! Scarlett meant the world to him.

He found himself looking in the windows of boutiques, almost against his will, for something nice for her. Lizzie had made him promise not to spend too much money on this trip. And he had agreed, but still, he couldn't help thinking of what Scarlett might like. Would any of these dainties be enough to cause her to throw her arms around his neck and kiss his cheek? Could he hope for that much?

 Would Scarlett even be there when he got back? He doubted she would succeed in selling herself, but what if she did? He felt like collapsing into the walls and bawling his eyes out. Not Scarlett! It couldn’t be Scarlett that wanted to leave him! Not Scarlett whom he thought had loved him so much! The thought was hideous. Beyond comprehension, even.

 He wanted to see Esme and drown his grief in her arms, but how could he even go there like this? He felt so unattractive and ugly right now. Just a body to be replaced. How could he take this? What if he were unable to make love to her properly, let alone as good as she was expecting it to be? For all he knew, his penis might not even work right now. He had been without a lover for so many weeks now; It seemed like ages! He felt dejected and hopeless, and like an infant compared to his father, who had probably never let a day pass without making love to someone!

 He walked back to the window, not daring to go in. There were so many beautiful gowns and so much lovely jewelery. He desperately wanted to bring back something grand for Lizzie and Scarlett, but he heeded his wife’s words, and sighing with disappointment, went into the first bar he spotted instead. After all, liquor was much less expensive than the latest fashions.

He was surprised to see one of his business associates coming out of the bar. The last thing he wanted to do right now was discuss business! Thankfully, the man left after a brief conversation, sensing Derrick’s reluctance to communicate further. But it had felt good to talk to someone he knew for a moment. Safe. He at least had people who considered him a friend, who wanted to talk to him. Maybe he was a real person after all, not just some white plantation owner who could be replaced by another like him.

 He went up to the bar and ordered a couple of drinks, even talking and joking a bit with the fellow next to him. He found himself, almost against his will, spilling the beans about his love life to the stranger, though he was careful to conceal the fact that Scarlett was his slave. The story didn’t make nearly as much sense once he had edited it down, but he was grateful for the genuine sympathy, and the pat on the back he got from the stranger.

“Women! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. Far as I can tell, the best type are hookers. Sex is guaranteed, and you already know she’s screwing you for the pay. No need to worry about love.”

 But the thought of not having love was distressing in the extreme. He could go and have sex right now. Yes, he was sure now, things would work out properly, and even if they didn’t Esme was tactful enough to overlook it. After all, she was being paid, regardless.

But what about love? Where would he find that? Scarlett so obviously did not love him anymore, if ever she had. And Lizzie seemed merely to tolerate his presence now--- He was having a hard time even remembering the last time they had made love, even though he could find no evidence of any other lover. He had certainly spent enough time looking. She must really be determined not to have given in to him by now, or else she no longer loved him, either.