"Ruin and Redemption"

Reading, Writing and Book Burning

“No! I’m not, Esme.” Lizzie was surprised to hear herself say. Damn Patsy and her encouragement to be a lady. What had being a lady ever done for her? It had not given her her husband’s love; it had not protected her. It had not kept Derrick from taking lovers. It had not even kept Derrick from taking another woman and putting her in Lizzie’s house!

“Why not, Lizzie? Aren’t you happy with the way things are going here? Monsieur Derrick and Patsy both thought you would be pleased with the education system and the cabin rebuilding, Lizzie. Derrick said you had wanted these things for some time, non?” Esme asked.

“Yes, I have, Esme.” Lizzie said, feeling humiliated and ashamed for losing her temper over things she herself had wanted. And Esme seemed genuinely not to see any fault in her actions. How could Lizzie even dare to complain?

“But something is wrong? Are you upset with me? With Derrick? Are you displeased with our arrangement? Derrick thought you would be glad to be freed of the burden, the discomfort some women feel with a man.”

“No, Esme. The only discomfort I feel with a man is that he married me, But all he wants is you and Scarlett, ----and before you came, every slave on the plantation, too! Esme, I don’t know what he’s told you, but there is nothing whatsoever wrong with me. I feel no discomfort with Derrick. In fact, I enjoy being with him, Esme…and I, he, doesn’t seem displeased with me, Esme. Though obviously he prefers you. Obviously he’s in love with you, and Scarlett. He never fell in love with me. He married me, in fact, he wanted to marry me. Very badly at the time. But he just didn’t fall in love with me. He fell in love with you, instead.”

“Oh, Lizzie. What can I do with that? Would you like him to come to you again? Because that can be arranged. He will make love with you if I wish. We thought you were happy. We thought you only wanted companionship, that you would be happy to be freed of an unnecessary burden.” Esme explained,

“No, I don’t feel freed! Derrick is my husband, and I have no other lover. Nor would Derrick allow me to have one besides him. I had a lover once and Derrick had him killed before he could run away...I’m a normal woman, Esme. I am not frigid as Derrick told you… Maybe he thought you would feel better being with him if you thought his wife was uninterested. But it isn’t true; It’s never been true! I’ve wanted to be with him ever since our first night together,” Lizzie answered honestly.

“Oh, but he says you are cold, Lizzie. That is true, c’est vrai?”

“Cold? Well, cold, sometimes. Yes, but not frigid, Esme. He pushes me to the side for other lovers and still expects to share my bed. Shouldn’t I be cold sometimes? Why can’t he be faithful to me, Esme? Why can’t he be my lover the way I am his?”

“What do you mean? What kind of lover are you?”

“I’m a fine lover! And Derrick is my only lover, Esme! The only one that is current. The only one since we were married nearly fifteen years ago, Esme! How can he even care about a man that has been dead so long? I’ve never been unfaithful to Derrick! Why can’t he just forget what happened before we were married? Is he supposed to be the only man I’ve ever kissed, or held or loved? Isn’t it enough that I married him and give him all myself now?”

“Oh, then there really is no problem. Derrick is jealous of your old lover. That is all…But Lizzie, he is a man, and men are not faithful. How can you cast blame upon me? I am here to help, and if you want to share Derrick, I won’t complain. If its something you want, I won’t let you be deprived of it. Let’s be friends, please. Am I not helping you with the things you want here? If Derrick is unfaithful, will he not be so whether or not I am here? Truly I want to help you, Lizzie. Let me help you, please.”