I Wouldn't Love You Enough // Harry Styles ✓ [wattys 2020]

29. Home

Its been a very bad month for me as each morning when I hear Anna whine, I have to take her to the bathroom to watch her throw up which only reminds me of how little time she is left with.

Each morning is the same. At 5:30 I hear her whining and whimpering from besides me. I get up and pick her up and carry her to the bathroom. I hold her hair back when she throws up all of her stomach contents.

She sits there all by herself, trying to feel calm. I sit besides her and rub her hand to provide some comfort. She just stares somewhere and ignores making eye contact with me.

I feel bad for her. I dont want her to feel guilty for leaving me. I cannot understand the pain she is going through and I only want it to end. Though I fear losing her.

A week ago she said she wanted to meet Dr. Steve and didnt want me to be there. I nodded and lwt her meet him. Coming back home, though, I cried my eyes out.

It might seem strange to people to see a man crying. But its not strange. Every person cries one or the other time in his life for some reason. And mine happened to be that the love of my life is leaving me. I cried for about an hour until she called me again to ask me to pick her up.

I knew today was going to be the absolute same. Just like every other day.

I heard her groan from besides me. I stirred knowing I'll have to wake up soon.

"Harry..." I heard her small voice. "I need to..."

I didnt let her finish her sentence as I got up and picked her up. I carried hee to the bathroom quitely while she rested her hand against my chest. I placed her down on the floor as she emptied her contents into the toilet.

I held her hair back as she did so. She threw up a little more and then rested her back against the wall. I helped her up and she washed her face. She was about to turn around when her body suddenly lost control and she was about to fall down. I caught her at the right time, though.

I pick her up and let her sit on the platform of the sink. She lazily closes her eyes, again avoiding eye contact with me.

But I have had enough.

"Anna," I sternly say.

"What, Harry?" She asks, her voice breaking.

"Look at me." I grab her chin softly and tilt it up to look at me.

She opens her eyes and they look straight into mine. Her eyes have always given away everything she has on her mind. And right now I notice something in them.

Fear.

That's what it is.

"Anna, its okay."

"How?!" She shouts even though she diesnt have the energy to. "How the fuck is it okay?! I am dying Harry! In less than a week! Why are you acting like everything is fine when its clearly not?!"

"I am trying not to burden you!" I scream louder. "I am trying to make things easy for you because I fucking love you! Do you think it is easy for me to stay up all through the night just so I wont be sleeping my ass off when you need me because you dont even have the energy to wake me up! I dont sleep, Anna. Because I know you will wake me up because you need my help. And I dont want to be absent to do that."

This was just like every other night. Expect for the fact that, I finally snapped.

She stays quite which encourages me to speak more. "Do you see that I spend 24 hours of a day with you just to make you feel better? I am doing so much to make this work out before it all falls apart into a million pieces. But do you see that? No! All you see is that I am acting normal. Well I want everything to be normal but un-fucking-fortunately it cant be normal. So let me just pretend that it is!"

She sobs.

Good job, Harold. What a fucking bastard you are.

"I am sorry." I calm down my voice. "I didnt mean all-"

"Cut it, Harry." She looked up at me. "I know you meant it."

"Anna, I am sorry. But you need to know I am only trying to make this better for you, by behaving normally."

I rub her thigh up and down as a soothing gesture. She slowly nods. I pick her up and carry her back to the bed. I tuck her into the sheets while I sit with her hed lying on my lap.

I massage her scalp and run my hand through her short hair. She hums in satisfaction.

"Harry?"

"Yeah, love?"

"If we ever had child, what would you name it?" She asks out of the blue.

I never really thought she would ask me that. It brings tears to my eyes. But I smiled wide. I had all the names planned.

"If its a boy, then Ansel. And if its a girl, then Belle." I grinned down at her. She simply chuckled.

"Those are beautiful names." She yawns.

"Why did you ask?"

"I dont know." She shrugs. "Just came to my mind."

"Hmm."

"I am sorry."

And after that her breathing evens out. She drifts to a peaceful sleep. Whereas I stay awake all night. And as creepy as it sounds, I watch her face.

Her eyes scrunch up when she shifts in her sleep. Her lip twitches all of a sudden. All the little thing that I have noticed before, but never thought they would so much to me.

When you lose someone so close to you, its like everything you ever had has been snatched away from you. Its weird to know that the person who was always around you, wouldnt be there. I wonder how my life would be without Anna.

I dont know how I would ever be able to say goodbye to her. Its impossible. She is someone that I cannot live without.

Even if you know what's coming, you are never prepared for how it feels.

Tears start forming in my eyes. I have never cried in my life so much. Watching the brunnette in my lap, sleeping peacefully makes me sob. My throat tightens as I am not able to hold in my cries.

I softly pick up Anna's head from my lap and place it on a pillow. She shifts a little but doesnt wake up. I get up from the bed and walk towards the kitchen. I sit on one of the stool and hold my head in my hands. I try to control my cries but I cant.

I grab my keys and walk to my car. The car vrooms as I accelerate it and drive to where I want to be at the moment.

The beach.

The car comes to a hault and I walk out and land myself on the sand. The sky is full of beautiful stars twinkling. The moon in the sky looks bright as ever. And I decide to call a person that I never thought I would call.

"Hey, mate." He picks up on the first ring.

"Hey, Luke, are you around? Would you want to um, you know, come down to the beach."

In matters of minutes, I see Luke plopping down besides me on the sand. My read puffy eyes look up at him and he seems to pity me.

"How you holding up?" He asks.

"Can you not tell that looking at my face?"

We both fall into a deep silence after that. We both dont know what to talk about. And I have no idea why I called him here, but he doesnt seem to care. I finally break the silence.

"You know, the night before my and Anna's wedding, I brought her here. We had a walk down the shore. It was a blissful night." I whisper.

"You know, Harry? You are a lucky man."

"I know." I look at him and smile. "You fucked up bad."

"I did." He looks back at the moon.

"I dont know how I am gonna live after she is gone." I sigh. "I'll be like a depressed piece of shit."

He laughs. And surprisingly, I join him.

***

Hello. I know I update so less. So, sorry. It was my birthday yesterday hehe.