I'm trans and problematic

today was not my day

I was in a group with bs in reading and oof he's just as pretty up close my dude. 

That was pretty much the highlight of my day. 

oof slight mentions of self-harm coming up I guess

This morning my dad didn't have a car since it was in the shop so my sister had to drive me to school but he hadn't told her until 5 minutes until she wanted to leave. 

Then they got into a huge fight and they both know I can't deal with yelling and that stuff and I legit walked past them with my nails digging into the back of my neck and neither of them cared. and then my sister tried to get gas but she couldn't and all this stuff happened and she tried to give me a drink despite her knowing I can't drink anything during the day because I avoid the school bathroom at all costs. I also didn't say thanks or bye when she dropped me off because I can't talk when I'm having anxiety attacks. And then another thing: the vice principal walked right by me and I was obviously distressed but she didn't do anything. 

So that brings us to now. I didn't understand the homework so my friend helped me with it and hopefully, I didn't mess everything up because I'm trying to not fail this quarter. Anyways, as I was trying to do my homework my sister came downstairs and started yelling at me for this morning so I told her I was busy and she just got even angrier. I find that pulling on my hair until it sorta burns helps. 

I had a breakdown after she left and yeah.

Something that really bothers me though is that I recognize when my sister is really anxious or not doing great and I know how to act. But then when I'm in a situation where I'm not okay literally everyone that lives in my house goes out of their way to make it worse. I had a day-long panic attack because of my dad and his girlfriend and no one cared. 

My sister treats my dysphoria as though it isn't real. I had to walk home today and I couldn't breathe because of my backpack and my binder and I mentioned it to her and she got mad at me. I tried explaining that I would rather pass out and die a horrible horrible horrible horrible death than take my binder off in public. but she didn't care. The worst part is that I love her so much but it hurts even more when she treats me like how our dad treats her. 

my problems are so irrelevant I'm just a baby. 

I want to go to sleep in the next like 30 minutes because I just want to sleep for as long as possible.