anxiety; trixya

two

the waiting room was stuffy. it didn't feel clinical, it was just hot and the leather chair kept sticking to the underside of trixies thighs. she was so nervous. so fucking nervous. her leg was shaking and even with kim's steady hand placed on top of it, she still couldn't help the feeling that she was going to pass out any second.

they waited for about 20 minutes until trixies name was called. "miss beatrice mattel?" a tall slender woman called from the first room of the three consulting rooms in the therapy office.

'this can't be ms. zamolodchikova.' trixie thought. she was too gorgeous, too young to be a therapist. "beatrice?" she called again. "uh here." kim said and dragged trixie up. "this is trixie." kim said and gently pushed trixie towards the room. "are you coming in with trixie?" the blonde woman asked. "n-n-no, it's fine kim, i can do this." she said. kim hugged her and promised to wait outside until she was finished.

"please sit down beatrice." the woman said and trixie sat down on a plush sofa whilst the therapist sat opposite her. trixie was so nervous that she couldn't even tell the woman that she hated being called beatrice. she had hated it ever since she could talk and the only time she ever got called beatrice was when her mum was angry at her.

trixie could feel a panic attack coming on, she could feel the tightening in her chest, the breathlessness and the overwhelming fear of having to talk to a stranger. katya zamolodchikova was obviously trained in spotting the signs of a panic attack and she instantly tried to calm trixie down.

"beatrice please look at me. tell me 5 things you can see in this room and 5 things you can hear." said katya. this was a very common technique to help ground someone when they were having a panic attack. trixie felt her breaths return to normal as she named katyas white teeth, a pencil, a magazine, horrible wallpaper and the sofa.  she didn't even need to list five things she could hear as she felt a lot more relaxed.

"thank you ms. zamolodchikova." trixie whispered. "please, call me katya. ms. zamolodchikova makes me feel old and makes this whole thing seem so formal." said katya, flashing a bright white smile. "so beatrice, tell me about yourself. i just want to get to know you in this session before we chat about deeper things." she said and sat back down on the chair across from trixie.

"firstly, i don't like being called beatrice, if it's okay could you call me trixie?" trixie asked. "of course." said katya, in a very soothing voice. "well i'm 19, in college but i don't go, often. i live with my only friends aja and kim, kim is the one waiting outside for me. i guess the only other thing interesting about me, is that i'm a lesbian." trixie whispered.

trixie being a lesbian wasn't a secret but she wasn't exactly proud of it either. her dad hated her for it and even disowned her. her mum and step-dad were still coming to terms with it, the only people that were supportive of her were aja and kim and that trixie was grateful for.

"that is very brave to tell me that." said katya, smiling softly. "trust me i completely understand how hard it is to come out." she said and pointed to the small pride flag on her desk. "y-your gay?" trixie whispered, flinching at the word gay, almost as if she was scared of it. "yes." said katya, flashing another bright smile.

"look trixie, i know how hard this is going to be for you to open up to someone and i want to help you in every way possible to improve and get better. i will give you my phone number so you can text me whenever you get a panic attack, feel really down and depressed or even if you're just feeling anxious. i will pick up any time of day because it's my job to help you get better. if that's all you want to talk about today, we can arrange an appointment for this time next week?" said katya. "that would be great." said trixie.

she got up to leave and katya showed her to the door. "thank you for wanting to fix me." trixie said in a small voice before leaving.