Suicidal Dreams

How Many More Times

Memories from the past week hit me during different hours of my day. As each one came back to me it was a flood of pure pain, my brain not being able to comprehend who I was or what I've done.

"Oh come on a few drinks won't hurt!" Party shouted in my ear as he tried to hold his balance near me.

He looked like he was about to drop dead right in front of me, but the others assured me if it happened to just make sure he was breathing.

This of course surprised me because Party didn't come off as a hard core drinker to the point people would see him on floor and say it's normal. I could see why he would drink tho, it got him numb enough.

At times I felt so nauseous just remembering how Party achieved to get me shit faced. This somehow prevented me from fighting because I wanted to hurl out my guts when ever I was in stance with Kobra.

"Loosen up!" He laughed and slid another drink towards my way.

I took the mini shot glass and took it quickly so I could slam the glass back on the table. I hiccuped and laughed when Party started coughing from how strong his drink was.

Slowly I made my way outside of the diner and went to sit on the hood of the car. Just wanting to watch the boys train without me.

"Are you going to join us?" Jet asked.

I shook my head and took this as my time to do what Party would do. Bask in the sun.

After what had probably been thirty minutes they all gathered near the car.

"So are we on for tonight?" Kobra forced me to open my eyes. The sun struck my eyes briefly before I decided to shut them once again.

My head nodded, "of course Mikey."

"I still don't understand why she knows his name and he doesn't," Party interjected.

I got up slowly and searched for him to at least answer his answer.

"My real name, really? What's so important about it?"

Ghoul sat beside me and begged to know, "guys it's dangerous that I know his name, I'm not putting myself in more risk because of a silly name given at birth."

"She has a point," Party agreed with me.

I got up and dusted off the dust from the car off of my jeans. With this in mind I remembered Kobra promised me new clothes from Triggers shop.

As we walked into the diner for a quick lunch, I kept repeating my real name in my head.

"Jet Star What do you think of my name?" I whispered to him when he sat besides me in the booth.

He looked up at the boys who were causing to much ruckus to mind us any attention.

"Charlize," he said said it soothingly. "I love how it sounds."

I smiled at his kind comment.

I had three different names.

1. Honey Trap, this of course being my killjoy name. Someone had mentioned how I was a death trap waiting for its prey to prance right in. This gave me the idea of Trap and then Honey was added because majority of the killjoys called me that no matter what.

2. Samantha DeLaTre, a name made up when I first walked into the city. This of course ended up saving me big time because it's like I never existed in their city.

3. Charlize Antoinette Prescott, my birth name. I've never actually found it charming to say my name like others have growing up. They made it seem like it was a royal name.

Once the boys had settled in the booth I finally decided to tell them.

"It's Charlize," I stated my name proudly for once.

Kobra Kid lentes his head to stare at me, clearly trying to math the name with my face. The food in his mouth was chewed up a bit more and swallowed before he spoke.

Unfortunately his brother had beat him to it, "do we get a middle or last name?"

"Only if you guys say your names," I rolled my eyes at how stupid his idea was.

Did he really think I would just drop my whole name? As if.

"Gerard," Party smiled at me as he took a spoonful of power pup.

"Im Frank," Ghoul added in a cheerful tone. 

I gave Jet Star a look to see if he was willing to say his name, "Uh fine, it's Ray."

My smile did not once fall because I was pleased to finally know who they are. Sure enough knowing their names wasn't much, but it was a major trust barrier out here in the zones.

"Charlize Antoinette Prescott."

Kobra got up to throw the empty van in the trash and leaned on the counter.

"That's a name alright," he whistled.

He turned his head and tried to direct my attention to the door.

"Oh sorry babe, uh well I'll see you guys tonight."

The said their goodbyes as Kobra and I walked out the diner. I hesitated on choosing a way to get where Kobra wanted to go. At last I chose the trans am. The trans am had finally found a place in my heart even if it was beat up.

"Charlize, you don't understand how badly I'm going to love saying that when we do it," he smirked.

I gagged at how awful Kobra could be sometimes. Kobra was just an other person whenever I was near. Usually he became more perverted, but I didn't mind it as much. I paid more attention to how his body relaxed when I'm near or when he hears my voice. It's calming to see his eyes hold soft features instead of cold dead ones. Along with other numerous small things he did when we were left alone.

"Michael," I gave off a warning tone to him while holding a small playful smile.

Best believe I was having too much fun at this moment. I enjoyed how our hair flew chaotically in the wind and glowed in the sun. My breath was taken away at how stunning Kobra looked when he was having a good time, his smile causing butterflies to erupt through my stomach. The music playing in the background made this ten times better because somehow Zeppelin was being aired.

Just being in this car with my sweetheart made me burst with giddy. If someone were to ask if I was going to date anyone during this time, I would have said no. Completely curing them and laughing at how absurd they thought.

Now I realize that love couldn't be stopped even if I wanted to neglect as much as possible. It would in the end hurt worse than being in denial.

"God I really love you," I said out of the blue.

Kobra took his eyes off the road briefly, "marry me?"

I sat their in shook for a while. His words not having set into my brain because I wasn't reacting. Soon enough I came to my senses and nodded like a madman.

"To the end."

He took his right hand off the steering wheel to hold my left hand. They both grasped into each other so we could know we were together. If this moment was real at all or if we were real.

"To the end doll," he repeated.