Suicidal Dreams

Child in Time

My foot tapped impatiently as I waited for the boys to leave the diner so Jet could help me. Recently I had been shot in the arm after a small mishap in the city. I thought it would be a bright idea to set off a bomb but as I planted it I got shot.

Obviously I didn't check it out at the time seeing as it was alright. That's until I saw it got infected so here we are now, letting Jet Star check my arm out.

"It could be worse," he stated.

He went to grab a brown bottle and a cloth. I gave him a skeptical glance before he flipped the bottle over and onto the cloth. He placed the bottle down and grabbed ahold of my arm again. The wet cloth came into contact with the open wound.

"Fuck!"

He laughed, "oh so that hurts."

I whined and hissed from the burning sensation it brought. He removed the cloth and wrapped it with a thin white gauze.

"While we are here, do you happen to have the stick?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. I coughed so I could clear my throat.

"You know the stick."

He walked out the room and came back with a small purplish box. He tossed on the bed next to me as he opened the door to the bathroom. I watched as he turned on the light to the dusty bathroom.

"I doubt it'll turn out positive, seeing as your medical records from BL/ind show your chances."

I got up from the bed to slowly walk into the bathroom. The door had to close with force or it wouldn't lock. I took out the stick from the box and stared at it.

"Oh god," I said as I placed the stick on the bathroom counter.

I paced in the bathroom while I waited. Occasionally looking at the directions on the box to see if I had done everything correctly. There were so many emotions going through me that it was hard to distinguish what I really felt.

I could feel happy but fear over took that. Fear was replaced with worry. Worry was demolished by saddens to be soon replaced with happiness. A cycle of fucking trauma washed over me in a quick motion. Only to realize if the stick turned out positive then Id be a horrible parent.

"If it's positive then it's okay, if it's negative then there will be other times."

I kept repeating that as I tried to pick up the stupid stick. As I neared it tho something just felt distant, very unsettling.

My hand shook from the anxiety as I put it into my sight. I stared at the lines on the small plastic screen. I checked the box and tried to snap myself from a daze.

"Holy fucking shit!"

I walked out the bathroom in a state of dejavú. Completely afraid of the results the stick had yet to give me.

"I've been reading your file," Jet interrupted my thoughts.

I saw a gigantic-thick yellow folder with my picture on the front. He skimmed through pages and completely absorbed the pages with important information on me.

"You were a very sick child," he skipped a page.

Slowly my head nodded, "my dad absolutely hated it."

When he looked up at me all I could see was pity. Not this crap again, I'd grown up with it for so long.

I found myself back in the bathroom to look at the stick. Except this time I was more calm about the situation. I tossed it in the trash and shook my head when he asked what the results were.

"I thought so," he gave me a soft smile.

It was a relief to know nothing had happened but deep down I would have loved to have a kid. Of course it's horrible I think like this because we live in hell.

"Party would have killed me," I joked.

He laughed along, trying to find some sort of joy into my fucked up head.

...

Oranges and pinks of all sorts of tints consumed the sky. I felt as if the blood of all the Dracs had somehow infected the sky.

"A blind man walks into a bar," I start to say as Mikey sat across from me in the booth. His hand passed me a can of nasty power pup.

I continued, "a table, a chair, and a wall."

He looked at me confused. As for me I was cracking up.

"Get it cause he's blind!"

I laughed even more at how stupid my joke was. He finally caught on and chuckled a bit until it died down.

His smile remained in tact as I just kept laughing at how stupid I could be.